This principle is both global and personal. Jesus charged all His followers and those who were follower-leaders to be propelled out of Jerusalem (home territory), into Judea (regional influence) and Samaria (crossing into foreign soil) and to the uttermost parts of the world (the universe of humankind itself). And so Christian leadership in its healthiest and bravest form is an expansive mission at one level tracked by distances charted on a world map, but at another level counted one person at a time. We are called to deal with the dregs of human suffering, the whirlpools of intellectual dilemmas and the outer space of lostness. None of it is easy.

This mission is intensely personal. The trajectory toward the uttermost parts of the earth begins with the next simple step that we take, by meeting people we have never met before, going to places we have never been to before, creating ministry that we have not engaged in before. But true exploration, made possible by solid faith and courage, is how we find the leading edge of the kingdom of God.

Everyone wants to discover something new and fresh. Discovery is intriguing and invigorating. Discovery reminds us that our lives are not over yet, that there is more to life than what we can see right now, and that any of us may have yet-undiscovered potential.

Discovery-leading is telling people that you, the influencer, are driven by a conviction that something new is around the corner and that others can join in the quest. You don’t even fully know what it is yet, but you know the direction is right, light is spilling over the horizon ahead, and no one has yet arrived at the final destination. Leaders don’t motivate people by their knowledge of the future, but by their anticipation of what is possible. Discovery-leading could be in the form of a mission organization, a small group, a business venture or a church home.

Some leaders believe that they must always project a concrete vision of the future and define the vision in detail. But spiritual influence is often most effective when people are drawn into a vision not yet fully formed, so they get to be part of the discovery. People do not want to be herded like cattle. They want to be fellow explorers.

So, for example, one person has a burden for the profound needs of a refugee population in his city. He starts to talk with others about the need, and the burden gradually becomes a vision in his mind. Not a vision with details and how-to’s, but a mental picture of the grace of God flowing to the refugee group through many possible mercy initiatives. He shares that vision with a broader base of people, asking, “What do you think?”

Two things happen. Others begin to see the same need and sense the same burden; and they contribute specific ideas: What about education needs? job placement? housing? a church plant? They brainstorm about possible resources: funding, expertise, networks of similar work, key leaders, constituencies who would have an interest. Gradually a plan emerges. It is just a one-year plan, not a ten-year plan, because the leaders see this as an exploration with many unforeseen challenges and opportunities. In the first year a couple dozen people are involved, but in the second and third year a couple hundred people sign on and a nonprofit organization is founded to carry on the work.

Four years in and the organization has discovered three main ways to help the refugee group and has discarded five efforts that were dead end roads. They regularly interact with a network of similar enterprises around the country, and their experiences help shape other organizations. Though they have established best practices, they still keep an attitude of discovery about the work, knowing that God may have new horizons for them that they would never come up with on their own.

A drive to discover can be the engine of spiritual influence. Sometimes it takes the form of an expedition—the mobilizing of large numbers of people to go on a multiyear quest. But discovery can happen as an everyday experience as well. Discovery does not need a budget, and it does not need to wait for committee approval. In the next twenty-four hours, or at least in the next week or month, any of us can find some place of discovery that is nearby and does not take months of preparation:

Read Scripture daily and register one new or renewed insight each reading.

Meet another leader outside the circles you normally move in.

Go to a needy place you’ve never visited before—whether it is in the next neighborhood or another part of the world. But be prepared to give up preconceptions of the spiritual or physical poverty you think you will find there, and look for the grace of God. Be open to discovering your own spiritual poverty.

Visit a place of refuge and linger there—a hospital, nursing facility, rescue mission, storefront ministry, hospice.

Mentor a struggling coworker.

Volunteer to lead a risky project.

Do something you have never done before. Take a temporary chaplaincy role, spend a weekend with an urban ministry, lead a Bible study in a prison, offer counsel to a couple about to be married, offer to arbitrate a dispute, tutor at-risk kids, be a mentor to someone in a substance-abuse program.

We all must know our comfort zones so that we can stretch beyond them. However, do not seek discomfort for its own sake, and certainly do not try to be some kind of hero. Another way of saying “go beyond your comfort zone” is “discover the undiscovered.” Once we leave behind the familiar we will start to see the work God is already doing. And then, in the divine/human nexus, God will wonderfully co-opt us to work where we previously would not have imagined.

Adapted with permission from Spiritual Influence by Mel Lawrenz (Zondervan) Copyright 2012.

Paul wrote to his friends and told them to live a life worthy of the calling they had received. In other words, aim for your own target, not everyone else’s. If you want to do something honoring for God, stop trying to be someone else and go be you. Figure out your ambition. Own it. Take aim at it. Pull the trigger.

Confusing someone else’s dream for your own, or thinking your dream should be more like theirs, will cost you the prize. God made you gifted at some things and you stink at others. Run your own race. We can tie our hearts together without tying our shoelaces together.

We all have wonderfully different ambitions. Putting aside evil, morally wrong, harmful or unjust ambitions, our part isn’t to score or handicap the ambitions of others. Tend to your own fire. Don’t get on the same page; get on your page. If you want to restore a plane, climb a mountain, or create a new element on the periodic table, mazel tov. Don’t worry about building consensus; get busy building that rocket ship that was supposed to be your life. If you find someone who wants the same things, you don’t need to sync up with them and pursue agreement. Just delight in knowing you’ve found a kindred spirit. Sure, be likeminded. Be “one” the way Jesus said He wanted us to be, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that “oneness” means sameness. It doesn’t.

Whatever dreams are bubbling up in your heart, there are probably a few people who have done something similar. It’s easy to fall into the trap that you have to do things the way they did. It’s tempting to think that had an easier path than the one you’re facing. Chasing after your dreams requires clear-headedness and wide eyes that accept the specific path in front of you, not the path that was in front of them.

There was a guy named Aaron who worked at my law firm for years as a paralegal. I asked him about his ambitions, and he told me he really wanted to be a lawyer. Here was the problem. He didn’t have three years for law school; he had three kids and a wife. He also didn’t have two hundred grand to spend on tuition at a fancy law school. Here’s what we did. We went to the State Bar Association in Washington. I explained that I’d been teaching at Pepperdine Law School for a decade and was pretty good at it. We asked if we could have our own law school with one student — Aaron. It was like we had done a Jedi thing, because they said yes.

For the next four years, all of the lawyers at my law firm took turns teaching Aaron law school. We all got hoodies with the law school name on it so we knew we were official. Graduation day came and we made Aaron give the valedictorian speech. He was also last in the class. Get this. Aaron took the bar exam and passed it. He was as surprised as we were when it happened.

He got his finale. He didn’t take the traditional path but still ended up at his intended destination. The world is going to tell you there are only a few ways to achieve your ambitions, but that’s simply not true. Comparing your path to someone else’s or assuming you have to do it the way someone else demands will rob you of a pretty great adventure.

If you want to find more purpose in your life, if you’re looking to find your own ambitions, help others find the path forward with their ambitions without comparison. Stay in your lane with your ambitions too. It will be a little scary and your family won’t understand when you’re getting together at Thanksgiving. But you’ll know you’re on the right track.

People don’t often applaud the twisting journey, but they can’t deny when you’ve crossed the finish line. Grab a few friends, buy a unicycle or a pogo stick and get headed in the right direction. You never know, your untraditional approach may just inspire someone else to do it with a hot air balloon or a hover board. Plus, you’ll build a bigger community of people who care less about what the world thinks and more about what their dreams can actually accomplish in the world around them.

Used with permission from Thomas Nelson Publishers from Dream Big by Bob Goff.

Here are 20 things to accomplish before your 40th birthday:

Read the Entire Bible Cover-to-Cover

Reading the Bible from front to back may sound like a daunting task, but with read the Bible in year resources like the YouVersion app, it’s a manageable goal. Even though you may have already read most of scripture throughout the course of your life, reading it as a linear narrative, one book at a time, gives you a new perspective on the story of the Gospel.

See Your Favorite Band Live at Least Once

One day, you’ll want to tell your kids, friends or family about that time you drove all night to see U2 play a stadium in Chicago, found tickets to a sold-out Sufjan Stevens show at a small venue in your hometown or saw Sigur Ros under the stars at an amphitheater. Concert tickets can be expensive, but it’s worth it to see a great band live.

Run a Marathon (or Some Kind of Endurance Race)

No matter what your current fitness level is, there are lots of options for you to take part in an endurance race. Whether it’s a 5K, Tough Mudder or a full-length marathon, choose a distance you’ll actually have to train for a few months to complete. Part of the joy of the accomplishment is looking back at all of the hard work you put in.

Watch Every Film on the AFI Top 100

Back in 1998, the American Film Institute polled 1,500 leaders in the film community and asked them to help assemble the top 100 American movies ever made. The list (which was updated in 2007) contains some movies that you’ve probably already seen (like Rocky, Forest Gump, Star Wars and Jaws) but its the deeper cuts (like Rear Window, Stagecoach, Duck Soup and All Quiet on the Western Front) showcasing the evolution of filmmaking and American pop culture, that make the task of watching each film such a rich experience.

Pick a Country and Go Visit

Before you turn 40, pick at least one country that you’ve always wanted to visit, and make it happen. Create a plan to save a little money and store up some vacation time to go to the one place you’ve always wanted to see.

Speak a Second Language

If you are picking a country to go visit, why not try to also learn the language spoken there?

Write Letters to the Five People Who Have Most Impacted Your Life

Don’t make the mistake of not telling the important people in your life how much they’ve impacted you. Even if the letters are short, sometime before you turn 40, think of the five people who have helped shape you as an adult, and let them know what they’ve meant to you.

Watch Every Season of a Few Great TV Shows

We are living in a golden age of television, in which critically acclaimed shows are the new Great American Novels. Pick out a few of the shows that will be remembered for making serialized TV important again, and watch them in their entirety. Marathon through a series like Arrested Development, The Walking Dead, The Wire or Breaking Bad, and see how the medium of television was reinvented in your generation.

Give Away Something Really Expensive

Before you turn 40, you should know the feeling of giving something away that costs a lot of money. Maybe you pool money with a couple of friends to buy a car for a single mom in need. Maybe it’s plane tickets for friend to go on a mission trip. Maybe it’s a bunch of really nice Christmas presents for kids who wouldn’t get any otherwise. At some point in your twenties or thirties, make it your personal goal to save enough money to give someone else something amazing.

Make Amends With Any ‘Enemies’

Once you hit your late twenties, you are officially too old to still harbor bitterness toward anyone else. Before you hit 40, make an effort to make amends with anyone in your life that you have any ill feeling toward. As Christians, there’s no excuse to carry unforgiveness—especially through adulthood.

Apply for Your Dream Job

Don’t look back later in life with regret, wondering what could have been. Even if you don’t think you’re qualified for the job you’ve always dreamed of, at some point in your twenties or thirties, apply for the job you’ve always wanted. It may not lead to any dramatic career choice, but unless you give it a shot, you will never know.

Take the Stage. Alone

Preach a sermon. Try stand-up comedy. Deliver a TED-like lecture. Find an opportunity to be alone on a stage in front of a crowd with nothing to move them but a microphone and your own thoughts. Public speaking can be terrifying—but it can also be exhilarating .

Go on a Road Trip of at Least a Thousand Miles

There’s something philosophical that happens when you’re on the road for more than 15 hours, exploring America through highways and interstates. Just consult the work of Jack Kerouac and you’ll see that the journey isn’t about the destination—it’s about the road trip.

Write a Short Story

Everyone has a good story in them. Take the time to craft at least one good short story at some point in your twenties or thirties. You don’t ever have to publish it or even share it with anyone else, but it’s an exercise of self-analysis that everyone should go through at least once.

Go On a Mission/Humanitarian Aid Trip

Sure, sometimes “short-term mission trips” have been criticized for offering short-term solutions to long-term needs, but if you find the right destination and the right cause, it can be a life-changing experience. But remember, the point of a trip isn’t to teach others about what you know—it’s also about allowing them to teach you from what they have been through.

Learn to Play an Instrument

Grab that old guitar sitting in the attic, pick up a harmonic or go ahead and purchase that drum set you’ve always wanted. Who knows? Maybe you even a have a hidden talent that’s just waiting to be discovered.

Find a Mentor and a Mentee

You’re never too old to learn from someone older than you—and to teach someone younger.

Memorize the Lord’s Prayer, the Apostle’s Creed, the Great Commission and the Beatitudes

By memorizing these relatively short items, you’ll be able to recite four key principles of Christian faith—how to pray (the Lord’s Prayer), your calling (the Great Commission), the teachings of the Gospel (the Apostle’s Creed) and how to live (the Beatitudes).

Face Your Fear

Whether it’s public speaking, an aversion to water, the fear of rejection or a dislike of flying, you don’t have to totally conquer your fears in your twenties or thirties, but you should face them. Sign up for swimming lessons, go to Toast Masters or even seek counseling. Taking steps to control your fear as an adult will make sure it doesn’t have to control you.

Sponsor a Child

There are a ton of organizations (World Vision, Compassion International, ChildFund International), that will let you sponsor a child in need for less than your cell phone bill. Sometime between before your 40th birthday, commit to a year—the letters you’ll receive alone make the whole experience worth it.

I felt like I was in that scene from the movie Swingers with Vince Vaughn. Vaughn’s character, Trent, goes up to a group of ladies and says, “How are you ladies doing?” One of the ladies, instead of answering the question, asks him, “What kind of car do you drive?” Trent is confused, so she asks again and Trent answers, “A Cavalier.” She rolled her eyes and starts talking to her friends. Trent, trying to justify his answer says, “It’s red.”

Needless to say, that was the first and only date I had with this girl.

Dating is such an interesting phenomenon. What if we could simplify it and focus on communication, rather than trying to impress our date with money we want them to think we have?

Below is a list of six date ideas you can use this weekend that will organically open fruitful conversation about life, culture and faith—and they’re all free!

The Beach or Park

Since I live in Southern California, the beach is usually my first choice. My first date with my wife was at the beach. After we started talking I checked out her social media and found out what she liked, so I prepared a picnic for her before I “taught” her how to surf. I think she was impressed that I put thought into the first date as opposed to being weirded-out by me checking her out online. Regardless, it worked.

The beach is nice because you can park on a side street, walk around in the sand and have great conversation all in the midst of God’s creation.

The park is another similar idea to the beach. It’s another opportunity to get to know one another in a refreshing environment and a place where you can usually feed the ducks.

Serve Together

A great way to discover more about the character of a person is to see if they are willing to serve. When we serve, we are making ourselves less and elevating others. If serving others is important to you (like it was and is to Jesus), this will show what your date’s perspective is.

You can serve at a soup kitchen, participate in a citywide clean-up day or even volunteer at a rescue mission.

Farmers Market

Farmers markets are a great place to peruse a selection of fresh produce or handcrafted products, hear live music from local musicians or even run into some friends.

The last time I was at a farmers market I was amazed at the multitude of styles of wallets and what they were made out of. And even the street entertainers are amazing! Part of the appeal is seeing creativity like never before. You don’t even have to buy anything, just wandering through the markets is interesting and fun.

Concert in the Park

I remember growing up going to concerts in the park. There would be well over a thousand people in attendance—and it was free! They had big band, jazz, classical, etc. For the most part I would not normally listen to this type of music but it was a great cultural experience in a peaceful environment.

Often times, cities—in addition to having concerts in the park—will also have musicals in the park. These musicals are usually performed by local professionals, and seeing one is a great way to support the arts. Some cities will also show movies in the park.

The great part about these concerts is they can open the conversation up to talk about the arts and are a great chance to get outdoors and enjoy the scenery.

Go on a Hike

Going on a hike is another way to be in God’s creation and enjoy it with your date. Maybe you know of a waterfall, an open pasture where wild animals roam or a peaceful creek. The more thought put into the location, the more appreciation your date will have for your thoughtfulness.

God’s beauty is experienced as you walk, which is a great opportunity for conversations about faith.

Movie Night—But Not “Netflix and Chill”

It’s important to set boundaries in dating. Boundaries develop trust and communicate respect. So for this type of date, it is best to invite friends over. Maybe you decide to watch a movie your group usually wouldn’t like a foreign film, a B-rated movie or a movie from the year you were born.

Chances are you will mock the movie, but you are creating fun memories and probably a lot of inside jokes to be overused over the years!

The wonderful part about this date is you’re surrounded with friends, creating memories instead of dealing with sexual temptation.

No BMW Needed

In order to go on these dates, you do not need a BMW. All you need is someone you are interested in and want to get to know a little better. Since these dates are free, the focus will be on developing the relationship and having great conversation.

At least, that’s what Brittney Moses thinks. This LA native has dedicated her life to transforming the way her generation thinks about mental health. She’s working on her thesis at UCLA Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior and in the meantime, hosting a terrific podcast on the subject in addition to her website, which has all kinds of great resources. We’ve talked to her before here at RELEVANT, but wanted to get her thoughts on how people in the middle of their quarterlife should be thinking about mental health, and how to be more intentional about it.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

What are some of the big misconceptions are about getting a counselor or a therapist in your 20s? Where do people tend to go awry in their thinking there?

Thankfully, I do think that this generation is a lot more open about therapy than previous generations and I think that social media has a lot to do with that. I think people now brag about having a therapist, which is actually pretty cool.

But there still can be some stigma out there. I know for me, personally, at that time, I was a newly single mom and trying to navigate going back to school and working. I had just gotten so used to figuring things out on my own that when you’re struggling with your mental health, when you’re dealing with depression or anxiety, you’re just kind of barely surviving. You feel like, “This is my problem. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my issue. I’m going to try to figure this out on my own.” And so if there was one thing I could tell myself in my early twenties, it would be that it’s never too early to get help, if you can.

Something that has been difficult, at least for me, is getting sort of paralyzed by options out there. There are so many people offering mental health services and you don’t necessarily have a metric for knowing when someone is a good fit for you or not. It can make it tough to know where to begin or if you’re really getting the best possible experience with counseling.

I relate looking for a therapist or to dating. You’re looking around, you know what fits, right?

One thing I want to tell people is to at first: Give it a little bit of time. In the beginning of having therapy services or a health care provider, you’re building a relationship. There’s a lot of intake where the therapist is just trying to get to know what is fully going on with you and do an assessment. So I would give it that time. Sometimes in therapy, it can feel worse before it gets better. You’re unearthing things that you haven’t really talked about before. It’s getting a little uncomfortable. That’s completely normal.

But there are some checkboxes for when you’re going into therapy. They should definitely be doing an assessment, asking what your symptoms over the past few years have been? What are your goals? That’s the thing that makes the difference between going to therapy and say, talking to your friend.

I know we like to say that our friends are our therapy and, sure, they’re probably supportive, but they’re likely not trained. And the difference is that a therapist is going to do an assessment with you. They’re going to help try to come up with goals with you that you want to work towards and provide evidence-based treatments — like cognitive behavioral therapy or some type of trauma-informed therapy — to help work on where you should start seeing some solutions. You should start feeling some relief in your life.

I also think that there’s still this idea out there that therapy is for when you have a problem. It’s like taking a car into the shop. You don’t call a mechanic when the car’s working fine. I think most younger generations understand that therapy is an option, but it’s not one they pursue until they’re actively struggling to the point where it’s creating real problems in their life.

This does apply for a lot of people who might consider themselves high functioning. It’s like, “We’re doing pretty decent. We might not have super low lows or be deep into the spectrum of different mental health challenges.” However, as long as you’re having a human experience, you’re going through things in life that are shaping you. You’re being faced with obstacles, with fears, even with messages that we internalize. Whether it’s on social media, about ourselves, about the world around us. And having someone to walk through that with you is a really beautiful thing.

I see a therapist biweekly. And sometimes I have really great weeks and I still check in with my therapist. It’s so great to have someone there who celebrates the small victories with you that you overlook. A lot of times, we think about mental health if it falls a lot into bad things like depression or anxiety. But another part of intuitive wisdom is saying, “Okay, what’s working in my life and why are those things working? How can I improve on those things? Or maybe I should keep doing those things because they’re working.” That’s another positive aspect. Therapy doesn’t have to be all negative. You don’t have to be in a crisis to have someone in your corner.

Two more quick questions and the first one is about resources. A lot of us don’t have a lot of them and mental health can be expensive. What are the options for someone who values mental health but doesn’t know if they can afford it?

There are definitely some like community grassroots options. For example, NAMI — the National Alliance of Mental Illness. I’m a Certified Recovery Support Group Facilitator there. They usually are planted in different cities throughout the country and they have support groups that are free. There’s also the National Crisis Text Line where you can text “home” to 741741. That was circulating a lot during the pandemic because a lot of people were struggling. I’ve been a trained crisis counselor on that line. And the people are wonderful, nonjudgmental. You don’t have to be suicidal. Any type of crisis that you’re going through, you can text in to check in with them.

As far as getting started seeing a therapist, if you don’t have insurance, I encourage checking out healthcare.gov to see if you can apply for some type of state or government insurance that should also cover mental health care. You can also go to your primary physician and be referred to a behavioral health specialist or therapist within that network. Those are some places to start. And especially, if you’re in college or you’re part of a program, they usually have some type of counseling services on campus that are included in your student services. So definitely check that out. They usually give you a certain amount of sessions per quarter or semester. And then if you need more help, they will refer you out word. So these are all different places to start.

Last question. Should Christians be seeking out Christian counselors? Is there a benefit to that?

There definitely are some benefits. I just had a conversation with Dr. Holly Oxhandler. She is a part of the Baylor social work program and she’s done some research in that area. They did find that when people’s faith was included in their therapeutic services, they tend to get better, faster.

So it definitely is  important for therapists to be asking about what your belief system is and what you believe and try to integrate that in some way. Or what helps you, what are positive coping faith statements that help you or practices and encouraging that? I think it’s really important for sure, if you can have it.

However, any competent therapist should be able to help you regardless of their faith background. They are not there to push their beliefs on you. That would be unethical at a therapy session. And they can still provide you with evidence-based therapies for anxiety, depression, bipolar or schizophrenia, or whatever it is to help you feel better.

I always advocate mental health as a system of support. It’s a toolkit, right? Sometimes we want to find everything in one person, kind of like dating. We want that one person to be everything.

But the truth is that even when it comes to mental health, you have your faith community. That’s really important for that social support and building your faith in that spiritual development. And then you have your therapist. And if you’re lucky enough and you found someone who can integrate both, that’s beautiful. But at the same time, they can still have the resources and tools to help alleviate those mental health challenges. And then maybe it’s getting outside and having movement. Trying to have a nutritious diet. All of these things are working together. So I encourage people to look at mental health care more as part of a toolkit and a system of support instead of trying to find all things in one person.

Thankfully, that vision for my life only lasted a year or two.

Then there was a time I wanted to be a stuntman. I killed many brain cells rolling down large hills and jumping out of moving vehicles.

That dream lasted until my mom put an end to it.

I wanted to be a comedian. A rock star. A circus lion tamer.

Yes, those ambitions were childish. No, I don’t think God placed those dreams in my heart. But I do believe there was a thin line connecting each of those silly professions that spoke to the real dream God had for me. He had put certain drives and dispositions inside me that would ultimately lead to the plans He had for me.

So the obvious question is, “How do I know my dream for my life is from God?”

It’s an important question. If your dream isn’t from God, it isn’t worth pursuing. It would be a waste of time and energy. It would ultimately lead to frustration and discouragement.

It’s not always easy to disentangle our selfish ambitions from our God-given dreams and desires, but there are a few filters you can run your idea through to begin to figure out if it’s really from God:

1. It Will Ultimately Bring Glory to God.

God made everything for His glory. So a God-given dream will bring Him glory in the end.

That doesn’t mean your dream has to be labeled with the Christian fish or cluttered with crucifixes. But it also means your dream won’t reflect poorly on God.

For instance, a dream that skirts legal lines and flirts with something unethical isn’t from God. God will never ask you to do something contrary to His Word. But a dream that demonstrates hope, love, peace—God gets glory in that.

“For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen” (Romans 11:36).

2. It Will Benefit Others.

God’s heartbeat is people, and He’s more concerned with how we treat others than with material success.

Any dream that involves taking advantage of people or capitalizing on someone else’s misfortune isn’t from God. Stay away from any business endeavor or plan like that.

Instead, God will ask you to do something that meets people’s needs. That might mean writing a book that offers hope. It might mean creating a truly decaffeinated cup of coffee. It might mean becoming a foster parent.

Look for ways others can benefit from your dream, and you’re one step closer to reaching the dreams and plans God has for you.

“Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows” (Isaiah 1:17).

3. It Will Seem Bigger Than What You Can Handle On Your Own.

God doesn’t give little dreams. God loves doing significant things through seemingly insignificant people.

For some, an audacious dream would be to raise godly children. For others, it might be to love their spouse in a way they never saw their parents love. Still for another, it could be to write a book. To make a movie. To start an orphanage. God loves giving us big dreams so that when we see them come to pass, we know it was because of God’s hand and not our own.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20).

Take a moment to evaluate the dream that’s in your heart right now. Does your dream fulfill these qualities? I’m willing to bet it does if you think about it. And I’m willing to bet that scares you a little bit. Doesn’t it? Knowing God has given you a dream increases your level of responsibility in the matter.

A dream from God is not trivial. It’s vital. It’s not childish. It’s powerful.

If God gave you a dream, you should pursue it. You should fight for it. Don’t ignore a dream God has given you. Your dream matters.

I wanted to impress people with this dream. We all want to be known for something, right? I wanted people in my hometown to think of me when they thought of the big shiny city of New York.

Well, after choosing to really submit to Jesus and follow Him wholeheartedly in the early stages of college, I realized I couldn’t keep consuming myself with this dream. It would never fulfill me.

Fast-forward to today, I’m living in Manhattan and I am full-on pursuing that “dream job.” I never thought it would really happen. However, I realized I could take this interest of mine and use it as a gateway to Him. I could be a light in this dark industry and show people that it doesn’t have to consume or control you. Well, that’s much easier said than done.

Right before Christmas break, an acquaintance texted me asking how New York is. We briefly talked about what was going on in our lives and in the midst of it, he said something along the lines of, “I don’t really care what I do for money. I’ll figure that out when I get there but all that matters is loving people and that’s my priority.” That is something simple, I know. Of course we’re supposed to love God and our neighbors. But for some reason that night, what he said hit me hard.

I began to realize how easy it was going to be for me to seek my identity in a job title. It sounds so “cool” for people to know me as the writer or the New Yorker or the fashion girl—or whatever. It’s hard in the city especially. You meet new people and their first question is about what you “do.” There’s a lot of pressure there to say something that will impress them.

There is a quote from Brennan Manning that reads, “Define yourself as one radically loved by God. This is your true self, every other identity is an illusion.” My identity is not in my job title. It is not found in the city I’m living in. And it certainly is not found in others’ perspective of me. I am a child of the King. That’s my main title. All the rest is just details of where we live out our calling, to love God and to love His people. Paul refers to himself in scripture as “One beloved by God.”

Why would it be so crazy to respond to questions about what I do by saying, “I am one beloved by God.”

One evening back when I was doing ministry in Ohio, prior to moving to the city, I was at a high school football game with a girl I had grown fairly close to. She turned to me and said, “Megan, my mom always asks me what you do. I kind of laughed and was like, ‘I don’t even know. She’s just a girl who lives life. A cool girl who lives a cool life.’”

This may sound funny, but I have not forgotten those words she said to me that night. That high school girl saw me hang around her school and with girls her age, fairly younger than me, and she knew I was doing it all because of one thing, Jesus. I had never received such satisfaction from how someone described me as she had that night. And there was nothing attached to that description. No fancy job, no big city and no impressive title. I could be making a paycheck literally anywhere for all they knew.

We all want to impress others with what our resumes say, where we went to school or what profession we have. But I have been so humbly reminded that if that’s how we define ourselves, that’s making it about us. Are we compelled by the fact that He loves us? That is the most important thing. Not what we do, but that He loves us! What’s so true is that we so often have to be reminded of lessons we’ve already learned. Just like the other night, it was like learning this truth all over again. This is not my story, it is His. My friends, let’s not forget who we are or whose we are. That is our identity. The rest is just the details.

I quit my job, sold my stuff and set out on a journey across the world. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve seen some of my loved ones, driven on the right side of the road, or tasted the sweet chocolaty goodness of a Wendy’s Frosty.

I did what everyone in our generation at least thinks about doing, in hopes that clarity, passion, dreams and transformation would shake my hand and smile at me.

And travel has been romantic, idealistic, freeing—and the most difficult year and a half of my life so far.

I left home in search of a better, more fulfilling life and a richer faith, but found out that it’s tricky to run from yourself. Travel hasn’t answered all of my questions. Satisfaction hasn’t landed in my lap because I went chasing after my dreams. Still, I was certain that somehow, somewhere in this seeming lostness we would find ourselves.

In some ways we have. But not in any of the ways I expected.

Traveling can be wonderful, but there are four unexpected lessons I’ve learned along the way:

Traveling Doesn’t Solve Your Problems

The struggles and insecurities and imperfections I championed back home are the same ones I carted on my back these past 5,000 miles. In dreaming of a better, more fulfilling, more exciting life somewhere else, I forgot that most worthwhile change is a process.

God plants us in season, not as fully formed and blossoming fruit trees, but as seeds (Matthew 13). Travel, it turns out, does not mean an automatic tree transplant. I don’t immediately become someone else with fewer problems and an increased amount of awesomeness. I don’t suddenly discover the meaning and purpose of life. I don’t automatically have the answers I was looking for back home. Because God is patient, even when I’m not.

Travel is not the solution to our dissatisfaction. Only God satisfies. But perhaps travel can be the right soil for the right time.

Traveling Can Make You Feel Superior

I wouldn’t have said that a year and a half ago. Pick out any quote on the subject and it may seem like those who choose to follow priorities and commitments other than travel are narrow-minded, self-absorbed and obsessed with material possessions. But I’ve come to realize that my choice to travel is not superior to anyone else’s choice otherwise. I’m not better than anyone just because I’ve visited more countries than they have.

There is great value in creating a God-honoring life through the building of a family, career and home. Those accomplishments don’t come easy on the road, and it has taken my own lostness in order to recognize the beauty of a grounded foundness. I assure you, I have reason to envy your stable, routine life just as much as you may envy my vagabond one.

Travel Comes With Its Own Frustrations

At some point, the novelties wear off, all the ooh’s and ahh’s fade, and all the frustrations of living out of a backpack finally catch up to you.

I still wake up. Still go to work. Still make mistakes. Still have bad days when nothing goes my way. Still choose my kindness or lack thereof. I still commit each day to following God’s way, or don’t make the time. And it’s important for me to realize that where I am, as great as it can be, pales compared to Who I am following. The same will be true when the now turns to a not-so-adrenaline-fueled later.

Traveling Often Comes at the Cost of Community

As the song goes, “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name,” and a life on the road doesn’t tend to lend itself to such an investment. You certainly can experience community while traveling, but hopping from one place to the next doesn’t really allow you to fully plug in.

Our desires to bring good into the world often piggyback on the influence of our presence. In the consistent showing up of everyday life, we get to know one another. Somewhere in that sharing of our lives, God transforms us into his image—as individuals, but maybe more importantly, as communities.

As I travel, I try to build community around me. I’m not interested in making this journey all about me. I want to serve and I’m trying my best to do just that. I hope I can be a breath of fresh air for the people I come across, but there is no doubt that the nourishing rains come from those who have settled into a community with a commitment to grow, flourish and produce lasting fruit through all seasons. That takes time. And some permanence.

While I cannot imagine my life without the global network of friends I now have, I look forward to finding a community where everybody knows more about me than just my name.

Traveling has taught me so much. It has opened my eyes to more of what God is up to, who He is, and who He is creating me to be. However, one of the big lessons I’ve learned is how important it is to be open to God’s leading on my life no matter where it takes me—whether that means traveling the globe or settling into a more predictable stable routine in one place.

Honestly, much of me is ready to find myself back home where I can incorporate all we’ve experienced on the road into an intentional caring for the world around us. But we’re not there yet. We’re here. And if I’ve learned anything at all over the last year and a half, it’s to be mindful of God in the present moment.

Otherwise, we forever run the risk of missing Him here with us now. And travel or not, that is the real tragedy.

One of the things our brains are capable of is overthinking. Think of it as the ability to have persistent, repetitive thoughts. Overthinking is essentially when your brain spins on a thought or an idea for longer than you anticipated. Unfortunately, overthinking tends to lean toward the negative. Left to its own devices, it will naturally gravitate toward things you don’t want to dwell on. I’ll give you a few examples.

Have you ever had to work hard to remind yourself of something dumb you said a long time ago? Did you need a to-do list to overthink an embarrassing situation from the eighth grade, even though you’re now in your thirties? Did you need a note on your calendar to make sure you’d spend the whole weekend thinking about why your boss called a meeting with you on Monday morning?

“I’ve got a wave of dread scheduled for this Saturday at 2 p.m.!” Is that what you did, or did those thoughts just show up unexpectedly, not at all connected to anything else you were doing at the time?

Those are called broken soundtracks, negative stories you tell yourself about yourself and your world. They play automatically without any invitation or effort from you. Fear does not take work. Doubt does not take work. Insecurity does not take work.

I know all about broken soundtracks like that because they cost me seven years of opportunity. 

I started my first blog in 2001. I was sharing ridiculous, personal content online three years before Facebook existed, four years before YouTube, five years before Twitter, and sixteen years before TikTok. I wasn’t a tech pioneer, because I didn’t own enough hoodies, but I was way ahead of the curve. Record labels were reaching out, readers were finding the content organically, and the faintest hints of momentum were sprouting. Things were moving along, but then I started overthinking everything.

“What if someone finds out I don’t really know what I’m doing?” 

“Where is this even going?”

“What’s the point if I don’t have a perfect plan to grow it?”

Those three soundtracks and a thousand more knocked me off the internet for seven straight years. I didn’t start another blog until 2008. Who knows how much further I’d be if I’d spent those seven years growing my audience and content? 

The most frustrating thing is that all those broken soundtracks showed up in my life completely uninvited. 

Your brain builds on overthinking’s habit of negativity by doing three additional things:

1. Lying about your memories

2. Confusing fake trauma with real trauma

3. Believing what it already believes

Now that you know your brain can be a real jerk, do you want to leave your thoughts to chance? Where would successful people be if they hadn’t made a decision to choose new soundtracks to listen to? Think of all the opportunities and adventures you’ll miss out on if broken soundtracks are in charge of your actions.

Broken soundtracks are one of the most persuasive forms of fear because every time you listen to one it gets easier to believe it the next time. Have you ever judged an idea as too dumb to even write down? That’s a broken soundtrack. Have you ever told yourself the same story I do about why someone didn’t text back? That’s a broken soundtrack. Has it ever felt like you have a pocket jury with you, cross-examining each new opportunity until you dare not chase it? That’s a broken soundtrack.

The good news is that you’re bigger than your brain. It’s just one part of you, and it’s under your control in the same way an arm or leg is. We know this because you and I have the great fortune of living in the age of neuroplasticity. Your parents’ generation didn’t know they could change the shape and function of their brains. Their parents’ generation thought cigarettes were good for cyclists in the Tour de France because the nicotine opened the capillaries in their lungs. Maybe my kids’ generation will be the ones who figure out how to make vegan queso not taste like organic sand. Every generation learns something new. 

Neuroplasticity, which is the power to physically change our brains by changing our thoughts, means that the solution to overthinking isn’t to stop thinking. Why would we ever get rid of such a powerful, efficient tool? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just run our brains with different soundtracks instead of the broken ones? A plane can drop a bomb or food. A syringe can deliver poison or medicine. A stallion can start a stampede or win a race. The same is true of our thoughts.

If you can worry, you can wonder. If you can doubt, you can dominate. If you can spin, you can soar.

The same brain that told you for years that you couldn’t write a book can be taught to tell you just the opposite. “You can write a book! You must write a book! It’s time to do it!”  I should know. I published zero books the first thirty-three years of my life. I published seven over the next eleven years. How? I started listening to a new soundtrack.

I didn’t just give myself a boost of encouragement in 2008 when I chose to believe I could become a professional public speaker. I started changing my soundtracks in ways that changed the shape of my brain. Not just one day but every day, which was all the easier because of neurogenesis. With neurogenesis, “every morning when you wake up, new baby nerve cells have been born while you were sleeping that are there at your disposal to be used in tearing down toxic thoughts and rebuilding healthy thoughts.”9

Your brain is waiting for you each day. It’s waiting to be told what to think. It’s waiting to see what kind of soundtracks you’ll choose.

It’s waiting to see if you really want to build a different life.

Tapping Into the Power of Overthinking in Three Steps

My entire world started to change when I decided to choose what soundtracks I listen to.

The best part is that the process is a lot simpler than you’d expect. When I first started transforming my overthinking, I figured it would take approximately ninety-two different steps, fourteen techniques, and at least a few dozen acronyms. I was wrong. 

There are three actions to change your thoughts from a super problem into a superpower:

1. Retire your broken soundtracks.

2. Replace them with new ones.

3. Repeat them until they’re as automatic as the old ones.

Retire. Replace. Repeat.

That’s it.

I don’t know what your dream is; it’s probably different from mine. But I do know one thing: overthinking is getting in the way.

It’s time to do something about that.

But it doesn’t have to be.

This isn’t about shaming anyone or holding up a measuring stick to see where the shortcomings are. Instead, it’s a reminder that life is simply too short to weigh it down with unnecessary clutter. And while some of these habits are easier to break than others, all of them get in the way of the wild, radical lives we were created to live out.

1. Comparing Yourself to Others

Social media has made this an easy habit to cultivate, but sitting around wishing you were traveling Europe with your old college roommate or that your job was as cool as that guy’s from church is a recipe for misery. Kick the habit of wishing your life was more exciting and go out and live it instead.

2. Putting Off That Project You Keep Meaning to Start

Whether it’s a novel, a painting, a new porch or even meeting the neighbors, you’ll feel much better once you just get going on it. Schedule it in if you have to. Set aside a day, an afternoon, even half an hour, and just start.

3. Wasting Food

About 40 percent of all food in the U.S. gets thrown out instead of eaten. A lot of us are contributing to that waste just out of habit of buying more food than we need or simply not using everything that’s sitting in our fridges.

4. Waiting for the ‘Next Big Thing’

Life won’t begin when you get married, get your dream job, move to a new city, finally take that trip around the world or anything else. Life is made in the big events and the small moments.

5. Being Critical Without Being Productive

There’s nothing wrong with pointing out things that need change, but it can become a bad habit if you don’t also work to help make the changes happen.

6. Getting Into Un-Winnable Arguments on Social Media

Let’s face it: No matter how many great points are made, arguing in the comments section doesn’t change anyone’s mind.

7. Saying You’ll ‘Read More’ When You Have Time

Unfortunately, you’re never going to magically have more time. You’ll have to make a habit of making more.

8. Saying You’ll ‘Pray More’ When You Have Time

This is another one where discipline is the real trick. Making time in your schedule is difficult, but the results will change your life.

9. Sleeping Till Noon on Saturday

Weekends are precious, and they’re best enjoyed when you’re well-rested, not oversleeping.

10. Living Paycheck to Paycheck

The reality is, you won’t always be able to put money away. But whenever possible, saving money—even just a little, here and there—is a habit your future self will thank you for.

11. Talking Down to Yourself

You’re not a failure, you’re not dumb and you’re good at what you do. Don’t just kick the habit of thinking badly about yourself, work to replace the negatives with positives.

12. Watching More Than an Hour of TV Per Day

In the age of Netflix, with a lot of great television out there, it’s easy (and fun) to binge once in a while. But if this becomes a regular activity, it’s time to find a new hobby.

13. Making Your Phone the Last Thing You See Before You Go to Sleep …

Studies have found that people who sleep with their phone close by take longer to fall asleep and spend less time in the deep stages of sleep.

14. …Or When You Wake Up

Siri doesn’t have to set the tone for your day.

15. Worrying About Things That Are Outside of Your Control

Worry can easily consume your life, but it can be controlled. Start by surrendering the things that no amount of worry can change.

16. Checking Social Media at Every Available Moment

There’s a better use for those little pauses (in line at the grocery store, at a red light, etc.) than checking status updates. Pray, think of ways to help make someone else’s day or maybe even just be still for a second.

17. Skipping Breakfast

It’s the most important meal of the day, and it also provides you with a little time to take stock of your emotional and spiritual life before the day gets away from you.

18. Impulse Shopping

Add a little patience to your spending habits and make sure you’re buying things that add actual value to your life.

19. Keeping Tabs on Exes via Instagram

Past relationships should generally be just that: in the past. Keeping tabs on former flames can be invite a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

20. Beating Yourself Up If You Don’t Get Over Every Single Habit

These are all things worth working on, but none of them are worth kicking yourself over. God isn’t going to run out of grace for you, and you don’t have to run out of grace for yourself.

In a developing marriage, it’s as if you’re watching a magician, but you’ve demystified his tricks. The magic has become normal. It’s no longer thrilling or mesmerizing.

The question marriage blogs, podcasts and seminars have trained us to ask is, ‘How do we put the magic back into our marriage?’ That’s the wrong question. We should be asking: ‘Is there something better than magic?’

On an episode of This American Life, host Ira Glass shared this quote by magician Ricky Jay:

“There are many effects in magic where what’s going on behind the scenes is actually much more interesting than what the audience sees. And as a magician, you sort of want to say, if only you could know what’s really happening here…”

That last line, “If only you could know what’s really happening here…” is the perspective of someone who is still amazed even after the magic is exposed as an illusion. The same is true of marriage. From the outside, marriage can seem like a cocoon that works in reverse, transforming your beautiful, spontaneous butterfly of love into a bill-paying, baby-making caterpillar. Within a marriage, however, the opposite is true. A boring marriage can become better than the goosebumps it replaced.

In The Meaning Of Marriage, pastor and author Tim Keller wrote:

“While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears; humbling defeats and exhausting victories.”

If you’re looking for a magical relationship in which you complete one another, your husband exceeds your expectations and your wife helps you find your true self, you’re going to be disappointed. That’s not what marriage is for. Marriage is designed to make us more like Christ.

In other words, marriage is like a foundry, designed to melt our pride and mold us into something glorious. And like metalwork, marriage is a slow process that requires heat and pressure. “Till death do us part” isn’t sexy, nor is it magical. In fact, the traditional wedding vows are specifically about the wonder and beauty that remains in marriage after the magic has disappeared: “…For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…”

Your spouse won’t complete you, your marriage won’t perfectly satisfy you and your life together will never be enough if the goal of your marriage is to fulfill your happiness. Because marriage isn’t meant to make you happy. It’s meant to bring you lasting joy. And the frustrating reality about life is that while temporary happiness and lasting joy sometimes look alike on the surface, they are often in complete opposition to each other.

In a New York Times article called, “A Roomful of Yearning and Regret,” Wendy Plump describes the difference between happiness and joy when she writes about an affair she had during her first marriage:

“When you have an affair you already know you will have passionate sex — the urgency, newness and illicit nature of the affair practically guarantee that… What you don’t allow yourself to think about, is that your life will become an unbearable mix of yearning and regret because of it.”

At the end of the article, Plump contrasts her affair with her parents’ beautiful and ‘boring’ marriage.

“I look at my parents and at how much simpler their lives are at the ages of 75, mostly because they haven’t marred the landscape with grand-scale deceit. They have this marriage of 50-some years behind them, and it is a monument to success. A few weeks or months of illicit passion could not hold a candle to it.

If you imagine yourself in such a situation, where would you fit an affair in neatly? If you were 75, which would you rather have: years of steady if occasionally strained devotion, or something that looks a little bit like the Iraqi city of Fallujah, cratered with spent artillery?”

Marriage is a lifelong relationship between two people who, on their best days, love one another and feel it, and on their worst days, choose to love one another even when they don’t feel it. Marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness, but it promises lasting joy.

Marriage sometimes brings laughter, googly-eyes and fun date nights. Other times it brings sleepless babies, budgeting and scheduled sex. That may not sound romantic from the outside, but when reality punches you in the gut, there’s nothing more comforting than knowing no matter what— for better or worse — tomorrow morning your spouse will be there ready to take on the world with you.

Disillusionment with marriage is not a red flag. It’s not a reason to panic and it’s not an indicator that you’re falling out of love. Actually, it might be the beginning of understanding the truth of love that’s unconditional.

I felt stuck and lost and like I was floating in the middle of the ocean with no sign of dry land. And while that feeling is absolutely terrifying, it forced me to stop and take inventory of myself and my goals. Here are four things I learned from that year—my year of not having it all together:

Live Up to the Right Expectations

We all have an idea of what we want to be in our heads. And we’re constantly trying to live up to those expectations. In high school, I had a very clear picture of where I would be by the time I was 25. I would be wildly successful at whatever line of work I had very logically picked out based on median pay and market growth.

Then, as I grew closer and closer to that quarterlife landmark, I started to panic. There’s no way I could achieve my “plans” by 25.

But why was I trying to achieve goals I don’t even want anymore?

I didn’t want to be a tight-rope walker in the circus with Chris O’Donnell’s character from Batman and Robin anymore (just kidding, I’ll always want to be that). Who made 17-year-old me the arbiter of my own success?

Goals are always changing, because we are always changing. And if you hold yourself to an outdated standard, based on old desires—or worse, the desires of people around you—you’re limiting your ability to hear God’s calling on your life.

And let’s be honest, His is the only standard that matters. (And trust me, He wants you to be a tight-rope walking circus performer.)

Social Media Can Lie to You

Social media should come with a warning label. “WARNING: I used 15 filters to make this look white-washed and beautiful, and I also spilled that artful latte all down my shirt 15 seconds after I posted this.”

Social media can be a source of inspiration and an invaluable tool to stay connected with people. But it can be incredibly difficult not to compare yourself to those glamour shots and perfectly gridded minimalist pictures in your perfectly curated stream of Instagram images.

That’s not real life. It’s not as put together as the streams of beautiful photos make it all seem.

Life isn’t a minimalist living room with perfect lighting and antlers hanging above a whitewashed brick fireplace. Nobody leaves their belongings around their house placed in perfect grids. Behind every selfie there’s about 50 almost identical pictures that didn’t make the cut because there were traces of double chin.
People don’t ride off into the #nofilter sunset.

Real life has hardships, awkward conversations, horrifyingly embarrassing moments, rejection, loss and uncertainty. Except those aren’t the things that make it onto Instagram. Nobody is as perfect at they seem on the internet. You don’t have to be either.

Sometimes Quitting Is the Right Answer

Andrew and Peter had stable jobs. They were fishermen when Jesus called them into ministry. They literally dropped their nets and left. That doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone should quit their jobs and go work in ministry. But it does go against every instinct we have to stick it out and persevere.

Working hard obviously isn’t a bad thing. But sticking something out just for the sake of sticking it out can be a dangerous thing. Because, if you’re honest with yourself, you’re choosing between God’s calling, your pride or your security. God’s calling should always win that contest. Sometimes quitting is the answer.

Failure Can Be Your Friend

Since the beginning of my time on earth, I have been more afraid of failure than anything. I feared failure more than I feared injury, bankruptcy, or even Guy Fieri’s hair.

Fear of failure keeps you on the sidelines. It makes you a spectator. It keeps you from trying out for teams, joining clubs, getting on stage and generally doing anything fulfilling.

But what’s so bad about failing?

Say you do fail. You try something new, you apply for a job, you audition for a play, you put your art out there for the very first time and then you absolutely fail. And you’re right back where you started. But if you hadn’t tried in the first place, you’d still be in that exact same spot. The ball is going to that catcher’s mitt whether you swing or not; the least you could do is try. (Sports reference. Nailed it.)

Jesus, too, warns against fear of failure in the parable of the three servants. Jesus tells the story of a man who calls his servants together and entrusts them each with a sum of money while he is away.

The first servant invests the money, and doubles his share. The second servant goes to work, and also doubles his share. The third servant, the complete ding-dong of the story, digs a hole in the ground and hides the money, afraid that he will lose it. The master comes home and praises the first two servants and to the ding-dong he says, “You wicked, lazy servant!…Take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

That’s what the God of the universe thinks about wasting the valuable currency He’s given you. And if you think your talents and abilities aren’t currency, you’re dreaming. (You can’t see me but I’m dropping the mic.)

(Now I’m awkwardly walking back on the stage to pick the mic back up, because I just have one more thing to say)

Anybody who is successful didn’t get there by accident. They got there through a series of failures. Every time you fail, you learn something that teaches you how to be better.

You know, Thomas Edison tried and failed nearly 2,000 times to develop the carbonized cotton-thread filament for the incandescent light bulb. And when asked about it, he said “I didn’t fail; I found out 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb,” but he only needed one way to make it work. And that is something I totally made up and I definitely didn’t just quote National Treasure (which is not, as the name implies, a very good movie). So, fail. Fail, fail, then fail again, then get it right and fail at something else.

Like Thomas Edison and National Treasure, fail hard.

Contentment is all about a shift in your perspective—a daily decision to trust God in all circumstances and to see Him at work in every chapter of your life. Here are a few keys to contentment during a season of singleness:

Cultivate a Heart of Gratitude

Your praise and thanksgiving is a powerful weapon. Instead of focusing on what you lack, remember and acknowledge all that you have. By doing so, you can fight those feelings of discouragement and give God the opportunity to remind you of His favor and many blessings.

Singleness is not God’s way of depriving you or punishing you. Don’t get so caught up in hoping and searching for a significant other that you forget about all the blessings God has given you—in other important relationships in your life, in the talents He’s given you, even in whatever freedoms you are able to enjoy as a single person. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, it says that we should “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Invest in Your Family/Friend Relationships

Cherish every moment, conversation and experience with the people you love. Although family and friends will always be a part of your life, relationship dynamics change when that “special someone” enters the scene. As a single, you have the ability to dedicate your time and primary focus to nurturing these family and friend relationships. By looking beyond our own personal gratification, our vision is cleared and our awareness of others’ needs increases.

Pursue Your God-Given Dreams

Regardless of your relationship status, go after your goals, dreams and God-given aspirations. Do not wait! One of the biggest mistakes singles often make is waiting to chase their dreams until they have someone to do so with them. In doing so, they miss out on the wonderful things this season has to offer.

Don’t put your ambitions and passions on hold until you find someone. Rather, as you dedicate your time and energy to fulfilling God’s call on your life, He will bless you with a teammate along the way—someone who will support your endeavors and challenge you to become all that you can be.

Maintain High Standards

The longer you’re single, the more tempting it can be to just date whoever expresses interest, even if you know you’re not compatible. Don’t settle for second best or get caught up in the wrong relationships out of desperation. Obviously, there’s no perfect person who will meet every one of your expectations, but you shouldn’t compromise your core standards.

Keep Up Spiritual Practices

Regardless of your relationship status, things like prayer, time in the Word and journaling are important for keeping your spiritual life healthy. Prayer not only brings you peace, but it reminds you of who is in control. We often take this responsibility upon ourselves as though we have the capability to orchestrate every tiny detail of our lives. However, the truth of the matter is God has asked us to surrender our plans to Him—trusting that He knows best.

Instead of spending your time worrying, dive into Scripture and allow God’s Word to replenish your soul. I like to think of God and His words as the ultimate power source. When we plug into this power source, we receive His joy, strength and wisdom.

Surrender Control

In a season of singleness, it is easy to doubt God, especially when we can’t see the big picture. It can be tempting to think that it’s your responsibility to go out and find someone. But as you practice patience, be encouraged and know that as you wait and seek God, He is working behind the scenes and orchestrating your larger story. He is shaping you and maturing you into the man or woman He has called you to be. If God knit you together in your mother’s womb, then He must understand you better than anyone else. Do you trust Him with your future? Do you believe He knows not only what is best for you, but the timing in which it will all pan out?

Encourage and Serve Others

During this season, God has given you tasks and responsibilities to serve and provide lasting hope to those in need. Whether serving on the mission field, on your school and church campus or in your local community, you have a unique purpose and contribution to society. Every act of kindness, loving embrace or word of encouragement makes a difference in the global community. Changing the world begins with you.

God’s plan for your life is beyond anything you could ever dream up on your own, and His plan for you doesn’t begin or end with you finding a spouse. Let Him turn your worries and anxieties into contentment for the present and great excitement and anticipation for what lays ahead. Give God the pen and let Him write your story. It is going to be amazing.

Unfortunately, it seems like many young singles struggle to figure out just how to handle dating–and I’m not the only one who’s noticed how weird the Christian dating scene can be. As my friend Lindsey, married and in her thirties, recently remarked, “I’m sure glad I wasn’t much of a Christian when I started dating my husband!”

Whether over coffee in my kitchen or on the hallowed ground of women’s small groups, I hear these murmurs constantly. “My daughter was interested in this nice Christian boy, but he strung her along for a year and a half. The next one did too.” Or, “Jeremy acted like they were friends but she told me later that they were hooking up on the side.” With that kind of dismal dating culture at play, let’s consider the options:

First, there’s “Duggar Dating.” Duggar dating is the modern-day form of arranged marriages. I don’t have first-hand knowledge, but thanks to reality TV, I believe it appears to involve asking the woman’s dad if she is available to date, and possibly not kissing until the actual wedding.

Outside the Duggar-verse, there is the less overt but just as prevalent “ideal spouse” dating. This involves judging a potential guy or girl for the 38 qualities you are looking for in an ideal mate—before even grabbing coffee together. It’s like arranged marriages where no one is making the arrangements, and it doesn’t seem to work very well.

At the opposite extreme, there is “Faux Christian Dating”—in which young Christians have no idea what to do with dating, so they avoid it. Instead of dating, lots of “hanging out” occurs. “Hanging out” leads to all kinds of mixed feelings. Does he like me? Is she flirting? What does this text mean? Why did he sit next to me at church? Did she want my sweatshirt because she was cold, or because she likes me?

Sometimes the “hanging out” leads to hooking up, sans dating, which is another uber-confusing side effect of the Faux Christian Dating cycle.

But what if there was another option? What if Christians just began to date like normal people—not dating toward immediate marriage and not eschewing dating for the less-desirable “hanging out” no man’s land? Here’s what I think it would require:

1) Date Indiscriminately

Stop evaluating whether the guy who’s taken an interest in you is strong and tenderhearted enough to raise your future kids. Stop evaluating whether the new girl at church is hot enough and “low-maintenance” enough for your liking.

If you take notice, if you are intrigued or interested, make a date! Get together—one on one. We are talking about one afternoon or evening together, not a lifetime. And unless someone’s making arrangements for you, it’s worth spending at least a little bit of time with the person before you decide if they are worth marrying.

2) Date Casually

Not every date needs to be a total success. But it’s foolish to think that the way a girl or guy acts in a group of friends is the same as how they’ll act one on one. Dating helps two people sort out what it would be like to be together, to be in a friendship. Most of marriage involves time together, one on one, in a friendship. And spending intentional one-on-one time—not too serious, just time—allows both parties to experience what it would be like to continue in the relationship.

I can’t say it clearly enough: Hanging out in groups will not be enough information to determine who is worth marrying. Everyone is different when you get them one-on-one.

3) Date Often

When we were still in college, my husband had 38 first job interviews before he landed a second one. He was horrible at interviews, but by the 38th one, he had learned how to engage with good questions, talk about himself an appropriate amount and gauge interest from himself and the interviewer. He didn’t get necessarily smarter–he got more experienced. Dating can be like that too. Sometimes we all need a little practice with figuring out what we really want–not in terms of our “ideal spouse” but a real flesh-and-blood human.

4) Date Toward Interest, Not Toward Marriage

“Do you think Christian girls make dating too serious?” I asked several guys recently. “I need a buffer of at least five dates before I’m thinking of any future at all!” said one young man.

What if you completely jettison the idea of finding your husband or wife via dating, at least for the first five dates? What if dating is about getting to know someone and gauging interest, not lifelong compatibility?

The great thing about changing expectations is that it lowers the pressure on grabbing dinner together and figuring out if the two of you even like talking to one another!

Of course, one of the biggest obstacles toward casual dating is the inevitable “ending.” So many of us equate kindness with never saying anything hard to anyone. In truth, kindness is not about passivity. Kindness is honoring someone in your treatment of them, but kindness is also honoring them by ending a dating relationship if needed.

If you’ve maintained boundaries and treated your date with respect, you’ve protected him or her from false and premature intimacy. Will it be awkward? Sure, it will! But the purpose of dating isn’t to just accumulate boyfriends or girlfriends—it’s to find a best friend and partner for life. And when you find him or her, chances are, none of those other guys or gals you’ve casually dated will matter much in the light of your spouse.

The reality is that you can’t have it all. You can’t have the attention of multiple dates and still be pursuing a God-honoring relationship with one. You can’t maintain 10 flirty friendships and expect to make space in your heart for one awesome husband or wife. But you can start somewhere—slowly, and casually—and trust God to lead you into more.

It didn’t take long for my thoughts to overcome my faith. The questions came all at once: What am I supposed to do now? How am I going to pay the bills? How long will this last? Am I going to end up homeless? Admittedly, the last question tilts toward the dramatic, but you get the point. These are big questions that lack simple answers.

Initially, my response to unemployment was to hide. I avoided telling people I lost my job and kept a low profile. I didn’t even tell my parents. I started applying for jobs, assuming I would rebound quickly and nobody would need to know this happened.

I had these expectations of God swooping in and rescuing me quickly, providing a job that was far beyond what I could have hoped or imagined. Instead, there was silence. I told myself not to freak out. I just needed to persevere. Give it another month. Something great is on the horizon.

It wasn’t.

I applied for jobs every day, expecting my skills, experiences, and connections to come through. Any day, any minute this would all be over. In reality, there were a lot of no’s coming in creative ways. I felt alone and abandoned. My mind became consumed with second-guessing every decision I made that might have avoided this situation. I was filled with regret. Sitting in confusion, I began to fall into depression. I found myself repeatedly asking a four-word question: where are you, God?

Eighty-eight days into unemployment I somehow found myself watching the sunrise while standing on the shore of the Atlantic Ocean. As I looked out over the horizon, the breakers were crashing over my feet. I remembered words from a Psalm I learned a while back.

“Deep calls to deep, in the roar of your waterfalls, all your waves and breakers have swept over me.” (Psalm 42:7)

My troubles crashed over me like never-ending waves. The trials I faced seemed to get deeper. I felt as though I was drowning. I felt the words of Psalm 42:11

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.” (Psalm 42:11)

Here the psalmist is in this gut-wrenching fight with himself. He’s battling against his own discouragement while rebuking himself for being discouraged in the first place. With the breakers of life sweeping over me, I felt hope rising as I began to remember who God is and what He has done. Over these months, God was not meeting my expectations. This prompted the question; will I follow Jesus when I don’t understand Him?

I faced that question head on. Though I was still confused, angry, and feeling as though the darkness would never subside, I walked away from the ocean feeling hopeful. I felt the desperation for a job lessen as my longing for God increased. I was determined to let these next few days be a reset as my heart was turning toward God with an eagerness that had been lost.

Later that evening, I opened my journal for the first time in a while. For me, the magic of a journal comes when it forces contemplation and interaction with God. My negative self-talk looks different on paper than in my head. When I write, I can hear God’s voice gently turning my heart from the lies and leading me toward truth.

I listed the ways God was showing up for my family during this season. He was meeting our needs in extraordinary ways. I thought back to previous seasons where I desperately needed God to come through and remembered He always has. This is why I put my hope in Him.

Journal writing tends to lead me toward prayer. When I see the words on the pages, I find myself wanting to say more to God than I write. There were some tough prayer walks that week and the weeks ahead. God becomes easier to see the more honest we get, so I poured out my soul. I lamented how I felt this was unfair, and I didn’t understand why He hadn’t come through. I shared how hard it was to constantly be rejected all while feeling like I should be projecting more faith.

I forced myself to text a few people who I knew would offer support. It was a hard thing to do, yet it turned out exactly as you’d expect. I received love, encouragement, wisdom, and more. I didn’t have to walk through this alone anymore.

Today, those 137 days of unemployment are behind me. God met me in my confusion, darkness, and questioning. He was not deterred by the mess, and what a mess it was. In my journal, I have Psalm 121 written out. It was, is, and will forever be my guide.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2)

God will not always offer answers, but He will offer His presence. He is our help. We do not walk through these seasons alone. He stands on the shore with us, hand in hand, inviting us to put our hope in Him and follow in obedience, one step at a time. 

As anyone without a mental disorder would be, my friend was surprised by my response but in all honestly, this struggle has been the biggest source of my own personal growth and transforming more into Christ’s likeness each day. Whether it’s a mental illness or a more common struggle, isn’t it true that our greatest challenges shape us the most?

Here are three ways I’ve seen my own unique struggle used to bring me further into God’s purpose:

Learning empathy for others who are marginalized

Experiencing mental health struggles has helped me to have empathy for others who suffer, whether that be mental health related or not. Personally, I grew up in an affluent family in a country where I had rights and many opportunities. Those of us who grew up in countries where we had opportunities at our doorstep may find it challenging to empathize with those less fortunate.

As someone with a disability, I can empathize with others who struggle with a mental illness, another disability or just unfortunate life circumstances. Given my upbringing, if I had not experienced challenges with my mental health, I think I would likely be more self-centered and judgmental. Christ wants to shape us to be closer to his image, he wants to mold us into people who care for others, especially those on the margins. In my case, Jesus has used my mental illness to help shape me into who He wants me to be. Understanding challenges that life may bring helps us advocate for people in the midst of them.

Learning how to rely solely on God

During the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder, the one constant reliable source of hope and peace has been God. Family has been supportive, friends have been there for me, but Jesus is the one whose presence was always felt and who guided me through difficult times. In my most depressed state, it was God who kept me moving forward, even though I felt like giving into despair at times.

When you rely solely on Jesus and draw closer to Him, you grow to be more like Christ. Paul illustrates how weakness can be viewed in a positive light.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians: 7-10)

Advocating for mental health awareness and dispelling stigma

Stigma around mental illness is a sad reality. Personally, I have experienced many cases of stigma-related negative encounters with people. Though this originally seems like a negative thing, there can always be a way to turn things around. I have had many opportunities to educate people about mental health challenges.

Using my own story, I can tell people about bipolar disorder. When people have negative reactions to me having bipolar disorder, I tend to view this as an opportunity to educate someone, rather than take it personally. It has taken a while for me to get here though. I used to take it very personally if someone didn’t want to be my friend based on me having a mental illness. Now I know that I have enough friends, and only want friends who accept me as I am.

Jesus combated stigma in his day; people with leprosy or who were disabled were outcasts by society. Jesus advocated for these people, and aligned himself with them. We can do the same as insiders, advocate for people who have a mental illness. Dispelling myths and fear around mental health challenges is doing work Christ would want us to do.

God didn’t put us on this Earth to have a comfortable life. He wants us to fight injustice and care for those struggling whether through direct ministry, advocacy or words of encouragement. Jesus wants us to align ourselves with those who suffer, and it is often easier to do this if we have experienced suffering ourselves. He wants us to rely on Him and trust that God will bring us out of situations that were difficult, but which helped shape us into being more like Christ.

After all, isn’t that the goal of a Christian, to walk in the footsteps of Jesus and be His hands and feet to the world? Any follower of Christ can do this, but people with mental health challenges have a unique role and calling as members of a misunderstood people group: the power to change the opinion of those around us about mental illness and share how it has made us personally more like Jesus is especially unique.

So, the question Patricia asked me was, “If you could wish away your mental illness, and the struggles it has caused you, would you?” My answer remains the same, the person I am today is someone I am proud of.

Here are five financial tips from Bible characters that are still applicable today.

5. Solomon: Prioritize Wisdom Over Wealth

Solomon is famously known for his unparalleled wisdom, but his financial acumen is equally impressive. In the Book of Proverbs, Solomon emphasizes that wisdom is far more valuable than wealth. He writes, “Better to have little with godliness than to be rich and dishonest” (Proverbs 16:8). This verse reminds us that true financial genius involves prioritizing integrity and wisdom over the mere accumulation of riches. In today’s world, this translates to making ethical financial decisions and valuing long-term benefits over short-term gains.

4. The Servant Who Invested the Talents: Take Calculated Risks

In Jesus’ parable of the talents, a master entrusts his servants with money before going on a journey. The first two servants invest their talents and double their amounts, while the third buries his out of fear. When the master returns, he praises the first two servants as “good and faithful” but rebukes the third as “wicked and slothful” (Matthew 25:14-30). This story highlights the importance of taking calculated risks with your finances. While investment involves risk, it is often necessary for growth. The lesson here is to avoid letting fear paralyze you and to seek opportunities that can yield fruitful returns.

3. Joseph: Prepare for the Future

Joseph, sold into slavery by his brothers, rises to become Pharaoh’s right-hand man in Egypt. During seven years of plenty, Joseph stores surplus grain, which saves Egypt during the subsequent seven years of famine (Genesis 41). Joseph’s foresight and prudent planning underscore the importance of saving and preparing for future uncertainties. In modern terms, this means building an emergency fund and investing in insurance to safeguard against unexpected financial hardships.

2. The Proverbs 31 Woman: Manage Your Resources Wisely

The Proverbs 31 woman is often celebrated for her virtuous character, but she also provides an excellent example of financial management. She engages in trade, invests in a vineyard, and ensures her household’s needs are met (Proverbs 31:16-18). Her diligence and entrepreneurial spirit illustrate the importance of managing resources wisely and diversifying income streams. Today, this might mean budgeting effectively, exploring investment opportunities, and seeking additional sources of income.

1. Zacchaeus: Use Wealth for Good

Zacchaeus, a tax collector, encounters Jesus and undergoes a profound transformation. He pledges to give half of his possessions to the poor and repay those he has wronged four times over (Luke 19:8). Zacchaeus’s story teaches us about the redemptive power of using wealth for good. It reminds us that financial success should not come at the expense of others and that true prosperity involves generosity and restitution. Modern application of this principle includes charitable giving and engaging in socially responsible investing.

Most Christians are familiar with this phenomenon and the tyranny of the urgent. But there is another phenomenon that we talk about less, probably because it’s a little newer. It hasn’t settled into the Christian imagination yet, but we’re familiar with it. It’s the social media effect. The constant pull of notifications, new content, replies, likes and affirmations. Some interactions from a friend. A new headline to get mad about. There is always something, some reason to pull out our phone and check. It makes sitting silently anywhere for any period of time a dicey prospect, which is why we’re so loathe to be without our phones in the bathroom or at the airport.

But for prayer and Bible reading, sitting quietly is the name of the game. It is literally called a “quiet time.”

It’s a time we set aside not just to talk to God, but to exercise the practice of listening to God. It’s a discipline of true silence, the attempt to quiet the soul and discern the work of the Holy Spirit in your heart. For a Christian, there are very few more important things to do regularly. And this very practice of sitting quietly, with no distractions, is actively under assault in our society.

At this point, we’re well aware that social media companies are heavily invested in getting us addicted to their product. Some of the greatest minds of our generation are handsomely paid to find ways to tie us closer and closer to our devices, devising new ways of keeping us glued to them. Any free minute is a minute we could be on our phone, using their app, driving up their profits. These people have been very successful.

So now, when we wake up in the morning, the first thing many of us do is roll over and check our phone. It’s also the last thing many of us look at before bed. In our most undisturbed moments, social media has become — for many of us — a default position. And we would be pretty naive to not realize the impact this has on the rest of our lives — especially our prayer lives, which are so vulnerable to distraction anyway.

Because the Bible’s call to pray without ceasing is really a call to constant communion with God. Paul isn’t asking us to have a running monologue to God in our heads, he’s telling us to devote our waking moments to listening for God’s voice. It has always been easy for humans to drown that voice out. There have always been temptations to fill our waking thoughts with things other than God. But maybe never before has our attention been so monetized. People are fighting over our every waking moment, raising their hands and screaming for us to pick them at all hours, every day. Social media has a lot of benefits. It’s done a lot of good. But if you let it, it can and will terrorize your prayer life.

In 1 Kings 19, the prophet Elijah is standing on a mountain, looking to give God a piece of his mind. A windstorm ensues, so strong that it actually breaks rocks apart. But God was not in the wind. The windstorm is followed by an earthquake, but God is not in the earthquake either. And then came a raging fire, but God wasn’ there either.

And then, from the mouth of a cave, 1 Kings says Elijah heard a “still small voice.” Some translations have it as a “delicate, whispering” voice. Upon hearing it, Elijah wraps his face in a mantle, because he knows he’s found God at last. And only then does God ask him: “What are doing here, Elijah?”

Finding God’s voice takes deliberation and, just as importantly, concentration. God’s communion with you may be still, small, delicate and whispering. It’s the sort of thing that’s easy to miss, especially if you’re distracted.

This isn’t a plea to get rid of your social media. It is an observation about what this social media world might be doing to us, and a reminder of something important: Ignoring the urge to look at your phone is a revolutionary act, an act of defiance against those who are trying to make a profit off of your attention span. And if you can turn that urge into an impulse to open yourself up to the still, small voice of God instead, who knows what sort of transformation you might experience?

Many of us are sometimes caught off guard, berating ourselves for not catching the signs much sooner. Feelings of regret, anger and disbelief collide in one single moment of realization: How could this person slander and gossip about me? How could this person jump to false conclusions about me? How could this person fool himself into thinking I will not find out about it one day?

Before we strike the gavel and pronounce the verdict, let’s examine three signs to understand how a relationship, unbeknownst to us, can turn toxic so quickly.

There is an imbalance in the friendship.

A healthy relationship exists when two people are committed to building and developing it together. If you catch yourself being the constant giver and counselor, then you are in trouble. You are no one’s savior. You cannot provide all the answers a person needs—it is not fair for you to become the parent or guardian in the friendship.

Recognize your own limitations and bring this friendship before God. 

There is a sense of guilt to prove yourself in this friendship.

Apostle Paul says it best with the following exhortation: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” The biblical sense of honor does not imply self-denial, stooping low and compromising your own beliefs, values and ideas for the sake of winning another brother or sister.

Neither does the Bible teach us that honoring means submitting blindly to another person, especially when God’s Word is compromised or taken out of context. If you find yourself currently in a guilt-ridden relationship, it is time to come out into the open. Confront yourself before confronting the person involved in a manner that is Christ-honoring. Trace and evaluate the root causes of your fear and guilt in this friendship. Then seek to reconcile and communicate with your friend, inviting the Holy Spirit to take hold of the situation.

There is passive-aggressive behavior in this relationship.

According to the English Oxford Dictionary, a passive-aggressive person is defined as: “A personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.” Passive-aggressive behavior is the harbinger of toxicity and destruction in any relationship. This is the type of behavior that waters the weeds of gossip to grow, leading to a vicious cycle of slandering and rumor spreading. It’s much more convenient to talk behind a person’s back in the disguise of seeking refuge and consolation from other fellow believers.

It’s much more convenient to play the victim, leveraging the sympathy and support of others. It’s much more convenient to rant in criticism behind the person’s back instead of mustering the courage to speak a single word to them. Do not be fooled. For a moment, you convinced yourself that you honored your friend by not shaming him directly. This is false honor. This is the beginning of cruelly setting a relationship on fire. “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body” (James 3:5-6).

Take the time to pray and reflect on these three signs. For those of you who identify at least one sign emerging in your friendships, bring this friendship before the Lord. Ask the Lord for direction in speaking with your friend. If you’re unsure how to approach this friendship, make sure to surround yourself with a solid community of Spirit-filled believers who can support you and reach out to you and your friend.

If you’re biting your tongue as you read this, it is time for you to seriously re-evaluate your relationship with this person. It is time to humbly pray and surrender this friendship to God.

If the Lord is beckoning you to let go and move on from this friendship (in the event that you tried reconciling, but to no avail), take the time to grieve and mourn, then move on. During this process, pray continually, discern and seek godly confirmations from Scripture, the Church and trusted brothers and sisters. Keep in mind, the ministry of reconciliation is at the heart of the Father and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Whatever you decide to do, speak and act graciously so that our Father in Heaven is glorified.

As far as Gen Z and millennials are concerned, dating apps are in their flop era.

A new report from Eventbrite, an event management site, found that young adults are increasingly turning to live events like speed dating and singles mixers to meet potential matches instead of dating apps. Last year, searches for live singles events increased 43 percent from the year prio, with over 1.5 million searches for it on Eventbrite’s platform.

Faith often gets deconstructed in people’s twenties. Jobs are accepted with pride and social-media announcements.  Two-week-notices are submitted with trembling hands. Your friends birth babies. Your friends get divorced. You dissect your purpose like you may never have peace about it. You feel alive in ways that make you wonder if you’ll ever experience them again.

The brain fully forms in this decade, which is weird. You realize what your generation is called and that people have opinions about it. Loss happens that informs what type of tool box you’re going to need for your mental, physical and spiritual health going forward. You begin to name your trauma and triggers. Relationships solidify that will see you through several versions of yourself. You become a little more of who you are becoming, and consider whether you can live with that or not.

As someone who is three and half years out of her twenties, as well as someone who spent most of that decade running an intentional community house of twenty-somethings, I have a special affection for the lives that get lived between 19 and 30. With that sentiment and experience in mind, I’ve compiled a list of 10 things to consider doing before one turns 30:

Do some ego work.

Fr. Richard Rohr writes that, “The ego is that part of the self that wants to be significant, central and important by itself, apart from anybody else. It wants to be both separate and superior. It is defended and self-protective by its very nature.” Therefore, ego work is personal exploration that helps you see what of your existence is your God-given true self, and what false self you have implemented to survive the world, despite the harm it may cause you or others. Before you get out of your twenties, dive into the work of the mystics, the desert mothers and fathers, or systems like the enneagram to get a better look at how and why you’ve been experiencing the world as you have.

Welcome doubt, embrace tension.

Certainty is boring. Confident answers are so teen years. You’re in your twenties now, baby – doubt and tension are in! Make friends with them, even and especially in your faith. Trust them as guides into a better world, a better theology, a better you. Meet them with welcome, not war.

Live communally.

And by this, I mean live interdependently. Maybe this means as a resident of an intentional community house. Maybe this means as a roommate to a couple others. Maybe this means that your neighbor uses your lawn mower and you use their washing machine, or that you’re part of a group of people who are creating your own health insurance opportunities, house church experiences, or dividing dinner responsibilities. Either way, plant seeds in shared soil. It subverts the toxicity of American capitalist independence and keeps us aware of our need for each other.

Find a counselor.

And accept the truth that you don’t have to feel depressed, anxious, traumatized, or at the end of yourself to make a counseling appointment. You can feel underwhelmed, confused, curious, sad, bitter, unsettled, relieved, proud, grieved, pressed, miserable, afraid, uncomfortable, burned out, calm, guilty, exhausted, inadequate, triggered, grateful, all the things at once, or nothing at all. You need not wait on a remarkable reason to explore therapy. And if you need permission? Here it is: make the appointment.

Ask questions about your history.

In an era of DNA tests, the World Wide Web and our elderly living longer, humanity has never had such access to our stories. Find out more about what blood runs through your veins. Who first lived on the land under your feet? Is the story of your family one of oppressed, oppressor, or both? How did those in your lineage demonstrate resilience and changed minds? On whose shoulders are you standing? How will this knowledge inform what you do with your time and resources going forward?

Chase curiosity over passion.

Author Elizabeth Gilbert writes, “We are constantly being told to pursue our passions in life, but there are times when passion is a tall order, and really hard to reach. But curiosity, I have found, is always within reach. Passion is a tower of flame, but curiosity is a tiny tap on the shoulder.” For many, one’s twenties can feel like there are ticking timers around every corner to find the right job, right partner, right city, right calling. This can put a lot of pressure on the presence of passion rather than the breadcrumbs of curiosity. Grow comfortable with the idea that the Spirit guides in next hints and faint whispers, too.

Get behind a justice issue.

With countless communities suffering at any given moment, it can be hard to know how to invest and where to start with issues of justice. The border? The climate? Anti-racism efforts? Gun violence? Nodding toward the idea of chasing curiosity, consider a thing that is excruciating to hear about for you. What tears your heart in two and threatens your hope for humanity? Let that be an invitation into the work of learning more and becoming involved in small and big ways.

Establish traditions.

As chaos rages around us, personal traditions can act as stabilizers, and season-markers. They can also give footing to the new identities we are exploring and the old connections we want to continue. And hey . . . you do not have to have a mortgage to have traditions. Learn how to can vegetables in the summer. Make an Advent calendar for your kitchen table. Pick a recipe to revisit every New Years Eve. Light a candle to remember those who were taken from us too soon. Take walks on Sundays, meditate in the calm morning hours, end your birthday with an email to yourself. Build your altars of remembrance, even in shifting sand.

Set a boundary.

Learn that your, “yes,” to one thing is always a, “no,” to something else, and that boundaries hurt but don’t harm. Practice unapologetic rest and margin-protection. Make a habit out of leaving room to be surprised by life. 

Forgive yourself.

And lastly, in this non-exhaustive list, look back on the old you with compassion and mercy. Embrace them with care, not embarrassment. Make room for the you that is evolving so that you can learn better how to make room for others who are on their way to their next conversion as well. Picture your old self as the wounded, road-side man in the Good Samaritan story and your new self as the Samaritan, or your current self on the roadside and your future self as the Samaritan. Allow that to inform how you refuse to box others into the one way you experienced them in one place at one time. Press into loving people as you love yourself by first forgiving yourself for being the growing, glorious human that you are.

Best of all? They can each be an investment into your life and that of your neighbor; an investment into a better world for all. Good luck, you, in these brilliant and heart-wrenching years of becoming. In the future, may you look back on them in wonder and gratitude. In the present, may you have peace.

To answer these questions, we asked Dr. Dharius Daniels, pastor of Change Church and all-around relationship expert. Daniels’s book Relational Intelligence examines the role relationships play in our spiritual, physical, financial, emotional and professional lives. 

We spoke with Daniels about why relationships today seem difficult, how we can make them healthier, and how we can handle them when they don’t live up to our hopes. 

This conversation has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

When you look at the landscape of the common mistakes you see young people making in relationships today, are there any common themes you see an extra amount of in our culture?

I think in every generation you’ll see patterns and trends. One of those is an underestimation of the power of emotional attachments. There is this assumption that you can casually date without making emotional attachments. What you’re really doing is rolling the dice with your heart and the impact that some of these relationships have on you emotionally, professionally or spiritually.

I think short-term dating is another trend. When it comes to long-term relationships like marriage, you are more than just people who date, you’re life partners. I think obviously, everybody that you date you probably aren’t going to marry, yet at the same time, I think there’s some danger to being shortsighted in your dating.

There’s not really a blueprint in our society right now for how to date without creating potentially unhealthy emotional attachments. What does that practically look like? And how do you know if you’ve found the one?

Use dating for data. I think when we look at the average dating experience, I don’t know how much data people are gathering. Dating shouldn’t feel like an interview or interrogation, but upon the initial stages of conversation, if people were more intentional about getting some data, then they would be able to make a more informed decision about whether or not they feel emotionally safe with that person.

I do think sometimes discernment comes through experimentation. It takes knowing what’s not the one to have a clear picture of who the one actually is. But here are three things that I think are really important: Is it healthy? Is it helpful? And is it holy? By that I mean does the quality of my life improve or does it get worse as a result of this relationship? Other than that, I don’t know. It gets tricky. 

Is there such a thing as two people who are right for each other in every way, but either their career or passion in life makes the relationship “not meant to be”?

I think everyone has to be clear on what are “my non-negotiables” and what are “my preferences.” Because I don’t think any two people are going to align in every way. Especially in the context of marriage, nothing would be sanctifying about it if that was the case. Marriage forces you to grow in a way that’s unique. Part of the growth comes from these differences and these tension points and you having to lay down some preferences and make adjustments and consider someone else before you consider yourself.

So I don’t think you align in every way, yet at the same time, I do think that there have to be some areas where there is alignment. I think to some degree a person has to sort through and ask themselves, “Do these two or three areas weigh more or matter more to me than the 12 areas where I feel like we’re in harmony?” 

You’ve said before that you believe in breakups. Speaking for myself, I was raised with a fear of breaking up and I never got very good at breaking up with people. From your personal experience, when it’s time to break up, is there a better way to go about that? 

One of the reasons I said I believe in breakups is I broke up with somebody in college that I thought I was going to be in a long-term relationship with. But months after that breakup, I met my wife. [There are] necessary endings sometimes. I didn’t know I was going to meet my wife. 

Sometimes breakups aren’t really you doing anything; sometimes breakups are acknowledging that the relationship is broken. It’s two people facing the facts that this isn’t what we thought it was and it’s not going to be what we thought it was going to be. I feel like they are necessary from time to time. 

I think the way we should go about doing it should really line up with the golden rule. The idea of doing unto others what I would have them do unto me. If someone’s going to end the relationship with me, I would think through how would I want that done? I feel like it’s important to try to do your best to deliver it in that way, because if you’re breaking up, you want to see yourself as releasing them and you into God’s next for you both. And you want to do it in a way where you minimize the trauma.

When I use that word trauma, pain, anything like that that could create bitterness or resentment or lower self-esteem, I think if a person has ever been on the other end of a breakup, it does cause some self-reflection. There are cases where someone’s done something wrong and you want to separate the behavior from the person in those kind of cases, but on the flip side, there are times where it’s just not working. You can minimize the trauma by not necessarily making the breakup seem as if this is happening because you’re inferior in some way, or you are not enough in some way, as opposed to this simply wasn’t meant to be. I do think that we’ve got a responsibility, even if we aren’t successful at it, to be conscious of how you do it because it is going to have an impact on someone else.

What would you say to somebody who has been the one who was dumped and is experiencing self-doubt and loneliness from the breakup?

First, most people have been dumped, even those that wanted it. But I think sometimes the pain is exacerbated because you feel unique, like you’re the only one. And secondly, I really believe that sometimes when there’s a breakup, the issue is not your value. Sometimes the issue is someone else’s values, but there’s nothing wrong with your value. There are also instances where it’s not an issue of value and values, it’s an issue of this simply isn’t meant to be. But I don’t think you should keep revisiting things you can’t revise.

Here’s what I mean: Doctors (or, for the sake of this question, counselors) don’t heal. Even incredible counselors who love Jesus and have been doing therapy for 30 years don’t heal people.

God heals people.

Think of it this way: if you break your arm and go to a doctor, they’ll give you x-rays, a cast and send you on your merry way. Now, if you’re like me, you’ll be tempted to assume that the doctor just fixed your arm. However, as you walk out of that doctor’s office, your arm is still as broken as when you went in. The only difference is that now, your arm is in a much more favorable posture for fusing back together—which is where God comes in. Inside your arm, an imperceptibly small yet miraculous event is occurring. Here’s a description of what’s going on in there. (Please note, this passage is from a kid’s medical website—which is the only description I could understand):

“Your bones are natural healers. At the location of the fracture, your bones will produce lots of new cells and tiny blood vessels that rebuild the bone. These cells cover both ends of the broken part of the bone and close up the break until it’s as good as new.”

Now that is God’s handiwork. What’s happening inside your broken—and now fusing—arm is nothing short of miraculous. And while the doctor gets credit for aiding in the onset of that miracle, when it really comes to the healing, the wellness, the regeneration—God’s doing that on a microscopic level as you go about your day.

What counselors do is invite people into the story that God is writing in the patient’s life. A good counselor doesn’t think they’re the great healer, or even the expert. They think they’re the luckiest person in the room because they’re about to witness God doing some pretty remarkable things. So to think that there’s some general truth that counselors are somehow taking the place of God not only diminishes God, but really makes counseling something that it’s not. Which begs the question, what is counseling?

Fundamentally, counseling is a conversation about the thoughts, feelings, attitudes and circumstances that surround a belief or a traumatic event. When you sit down for your counseling session, it won’t be like what you see in the movies where you’re laying on a leather sofa and some Freudian entity is sitting behind you, taking notes and letting you unravel.

What it will actually be is you sitting in a room, across from a very friendly person, who is genuinely interested in your story. He or she will ask questions like, “Can you tell me what brought you to counseling today?” and “What was running through your mind as that happened?” And then, they’ll listen.

And while they’re listening, they’ll be thinking things like, “Interesting, I see God in that situation, but I wonder if they do, I’ll ask about that later,” or “I’m so sad you got hurt in that way.” Believe me, a good counselor isn’t flipping through some mental diagnostic manual trying to put you in a box. What they’re doing is drawing on their academic training and professional experience to ask questions that get you to think about angles and feelings that may be helpful for you to explore so that—wait for it—God has a clearer pathway to work in you. Or, put more accurately, you have a clearer pathway to see God working in the midst of your pain.

One of my favorite grad school professors, Dr. Toddy Holeman (what a great name, right?), summed up the role of a counselor in this way: “At the end of the day, the job of a counselor is to be a hope peddler.”

And she was right. Seeing a counselor isn’t taking the place of God, it’s sitting with someone who knows that God is working and that any movement out of the quicksand going to be because we hope. In the words of the great Edward Mote hymn:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

So, go see a counselor. Find a good therapist who believes in God (maybe ask your pastor about this), and make an appointment today. Then, when you go to the appointment, and when you feel comfortable enough to open up (it may not happen right away, which is OK), share with that counselor what happened and how you feel about it. Then, watch God heal.

Some people may want more money to buy the things they want and need. Others may want more money to save for retirement or their children’s education. Still others may want more money to give to charity or help others in need.

If you find yourself constantly chasing after more money, it’s important to ask yourself why. Are you trying to fill an emotional void? Are you trying to keep up with the Joneses? Or are you simply trying to make a better life for yourself and your family?

What I’m trying to say is: Is it OK to want to be rich? 

As members of the Church, we’ve all been exposed to various levels of teachings on prosperity and blessings. Honestly, all of the talk gets kind of confusing after a while. There are extremes on both sides—from those who believe that God wants to make us materially wealthy and that suffering means you aren’t right with God, to those who believe that material wealth is evil and we are only guaranteed trials this side of eternity.

What’s tricky is that everyone seems to have a verse to back up their beliefs. So what is the truth? If the Bible says, “We rejoice in our sufferings (Romans 5:3),” and also, “Test me in this … and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it (Malachi 3:10),” then what can we really expect in this lifetime in regard to prosperity and wealth?

Here are three points that have helped me find greater clarity when it comes to the complicated relationship between money and faith:

1. Our earthly possessions aren’t inherently sinful, but they are temporary.

In Matthew 19, Jesus was approached by a wealthy man who asked him, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” The man tells Jesus that he has already followed the commands of the law and asks, “What still do I lack?” Jesus responds, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” The man left upset because he was rich, and Jesus told His disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Many people interpret this passage to mean that rich people can’t enter heaven. We picture the tiny eye of a sewing needle and think about how impossible it would be to put any human being through that small hole. But in his Companion Bible, E.W. Bullinger explains what Jesus was really referring to: “the eye of the needle, a small door fixed in a gate and opened after dark. To pass through, the camel must be unloaded. Hence the difficulty of the rich man. He must be unloaded … ”

Entering heaven is like entering through this small door. If we are carrying all of our possessions with us and are unwilling to lay them down, we will not be able to pass through. I love the way Bullinger words it: He must be unloaded. In order to enter heaven, we all must be unloaded of our possessions in order to enter the narrow gate and receive the real blessings on the other side.

2. When you “count everything as loss,” you become more thankful for your material wealth, but also less attached to it.

Most of us know of the passage in Philippians 3:7-8, where Paul writes, “But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.” In my life, “considering everything as loss” was a process of giving up the temporary joy that I found in my “stuff.” It wasn’t an especially pleasurable process. For a while, I felt like nothing around me could make me happy ever again—until I realized how much joy could be found in Christ. Now, the joy that I find in my possessions is in knowing that anything that I do have is simply a physical expression of God’s love for me. I enjoy my things more now, because the love that they display to me will last much longer than they will. At any moment, I’m willing to surrender any of these things to God for His purpose, because really, they all belong to Him.

3. Suffering is a blessing.

I think that when we go through trials or when God calls us to give things up for Him, we get it in our head that we are doing this 1) to make ourselves worthy before God or 2) to prove our love to Him. But the truth is that your greatest, grandest sacrifice does absolutely nothing to earn favor from God. In fact, such thinking shows that our view of God is far lower than it should be. If God is set apart and holy, then we could never work hard enough to earn right standing with Him. That’s why Jesus had to die. His once and for all sacrifice means that anything we do now to serve God couldn’t possibly be for the purpose of earning our place.

So then, why do we suffer? I don’t wholly know the answer to that, but I do know that in our suffering, it is God’s overwhelming love for us that allows us to be transformed. God wants to bless us, but our hearts are so hardened, especially to the spiritual things that He desires to give us. If He were to reveal everything He has for us, we would not be able to receive or understand it. So suffering becomes the training ground; it retrains our hearts and prepares us to receive the good things He has in store.

Does God want to bless you? I believe He does. His desire is to “pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” This doesn’t look exactly the same for everyone, and blessing is not a synonym for wealth, so we can’t measure it simply by comparing bank accounts. While He does meet our needs and provide us with material things, I believe we’ll discover that the spiritual blessings of experiencing His love and living it out in our lives are the most satisfying blessings we could receive.

The latter reminds me of a question I received years ago from a 26-year-old who was constantly fighting with her dad.

“My dad and I get in a fight almost every time I go home,” the email read. “I know I probably play some part in this, but it feels like he is intentionally picking out things in my life to criticize and then it just turns into a yelling match. It really upsets me and my mom. I try to make up with him after, but he never really apologizes. Since this keeps happening, I’m getting bitter toward him and finding it harder and harder to forgive him. How can I learn to forgive him and keep the relationship even if he won’t apologize?”

Unfortunately, she’s not the only one to experience this. Many people have had similar interactions with their dad. So how do you deal with a dad who won’t apologize?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. But there are a few key things to keep in mind when figuring out how to move forward. Let’s break down the situation:

“It feels like he is intentionally picking out things in my life to criticize and then it just turns into a yelling match.”

There’s something to be learned here. And even though you already know this article is going to land with me affirming that he shouldn’t yell at you, ever, there’s still something to glean from what’s happening.

This is a classic cycle of miscommunication between you and padre. Here’s the scenario: You go home for dinner and he says something, I don’t know what it is, but that something makes you feel negative (sad, hurt, embarrassed, offended, I don’t know—but it’s not good) and in turn, you reply with something else (which makes dad feel negative)—and now the oven is getting pre-heated. So, your little something else makes him mad, and now he’s out to get you, which he does. And what was once a little quip or comment explodes, which is when the yelling starts, and any hope of any actual communication, progress or civility is tossed out the window. You’re both burning hot and out to hurt.

The problem with this cycle is that nobody gets heard. Whatever his little something was at the beginning is now lost, and nothing changes. You leave and then you come home again, and it all repeats itself. What’s sad about this, outside of the obvious arguing, is that you probably both have something valid to share. His comments may hurt you, and they may be wrapped in unkindness, but he may actually have some wisdom – but who would know that? It’s cloaked in anger. Which leads me to your next thought …

“…I try to make up with him after, but he never really apologizes.”

This part of the problem always breaks me. A dad’s anger is one thing (and it’s a big thing), but to not apologize is indicative of a problem that’s akin to cancer coursing through his body. That is, a person who doesn’t apologize doesn’t know grace—and that’s terminal.

His inability to apologize either means that he feels no remorse, feels remorse and can’t express it, or feels remorse and chooses not to express it. Either way, he is locked into a place that makes it impossible for him to love well. And what’s worse? To apologize is to forgive, and to forgive is to realize you have been forgiven. I want him to know that whatever he’s locked in, whatever he’s done, and whatever motivation cause him to lash out and hurt his girl can be forgiven. Until he knows that, the cycle continues—despite your best efforts.

Which leads us to the last thought …

“…Since this keeps happening, I’m getting bitter toward him and finding it harder and harder to forgive him. How can I learn to forgive him and keep the relationship even if he won’t apologize?”

Listen, of course you’re getting bitter, how could you not? A dad—a protector—and in many ways the very earliest image of God that a child can conjure, isn’t supposed to yell and hurt and show no remorse. That’s a form of abuse. And no measure of relational progress can happen when the perpetrator of violence refuses to change. Which means you have a difficult choice ahead of you.

Do you try and break the cycle of miscommunication? You can. If he says something when you go home, you can turn the other cheek and not reply. This would stop the bleeding and prevent the fighting. However, it strips you of a voice, which ends the abuse but puts a nail in the coffin of any hope for a real relationship.

But what else can you do?

You can’t change him—he has to decide to go to go down the road of healing, and you can’t make him better. Again, Carlie, listen to this, you can’t make your dad better. All you can do is pray for him and hope to God that somehow he’s brought to his knees by his inner turmoil.

Until that time, you have to be the woman God has designed you to be. Which means you must remove yourself from the cycle by going home less (if at all), and then using the space away to mourn the loss of the dad you should have had.

We don’t all get the best dads, but we have a loving and gracious Father who cares, protects you and intervenes on our behalf. Allow Him to do that—and take of yourself.

A while back on the news, I listened to reporters praise a teenager for asking his Sports Illustrated supermodel crush (who was probably his mom’s age) to come with him to prom. How brave and courageous of him, they said. What an honorable thing to do in stepping out of his comfort zone and taking risks to engage his fantasies, they said.

To top it off, just last week I noticed the room of one of my friends’ teenage children plastered with posters of dreamy celebrities and attractive musicians staring at her each night as she dozed off to sleep.

It’s amazing how fixated we are on fantasy. So much so, that it’s almost become the norm.

We live in a society in which I’ve actually heard people claim they have literally fallen “in love” with celebrities, movie stars, porn stars and supermodels. But the problem is that they are falling in love from a distance.

There is something safe about keeping people at a distance. There is something appealing about the unknown that makes it attractive; something about the invisible that is seductive. Whether it’s the supermodel on the cover of a magazine or that guy at work who you’ve never actually talked to.

Somehow, keeping people at a distance makes us want them even more.

Because keeping people at a distance is never messy. Loving them from far away is never hard. It isn’t mixed with the reality of pain, vulnerability and selflessness; nor does it know the sacrifices of forgiveness and grace. But to really love, as C.S. Lewis says, is to be vulnerable.

So many men and women today are falling in love with a dream; falling in love with someone or something that doesn’t really exist, by taking the character of someone they don’t really know and adding the story that they find themselves living in the world of fantasy falling in love with a dream, falling in love with an idea, but ultimately falling in love with a lie.

And this isn’t just about crushing on Hollywood celebs, because fantasy can permeate so many other parts of our life.

Men and women are imprisoned within the confines of a dream whether its pornography, affairs, toxic relationships or anything else. You’ll find people stuck in a life they make up with people who don’t exist or don’t know them personally.

Fantasies in action

We’ve succumbed to a life fueled by fantasy rather than by reality.

The married man who glances at the beautiful office secretary, mentally engaging in a relationship with her, forgetting her flaws, neglecting her deficits.

The single woman, analyzing and obsessing over a man she’s hardly talked to imagining what life could be if and when—only to have her heart broken by his lack of interest.

The housewife, trapped in the fantasy and excitement of her romance novels, leaving her own reality behind instead of dealing with it.

The young woman stuck in an abusive marriage, making excuses and living for the dream of who he could be rather than acknowledging who he actually is and taking steps toward safety.

The lonely young man, spending hours every evening trapped by the pornographic images on his computer screen, growing numb to the beauty of the real woman—and of real life.

There is something provocative about living in a dream, but there is something even more paralyzing about it.

When we live in a dream, we lose sight of what’s real. We exchange our realities for something that can never actually exist. We live for what could be, and end up missing what really is. And in the end we are led into disappointment, disillusionment and destruction.

We set ourselves up for failure by seeking to find this thing that doesn’t actually exist, setting expectations that cannot be met by ourselves, much less anyone else.

When we live in a dream, we stop really living.

Though they might not be as easy as Hollywood romance, real life and real relationships are well worth the investment. With the help of God’s grace, forgiveness and selflessness they can flourish into far greater than a simple dream because they can become your glorious reality.

Close your eyes to the temptation of fantasy, and instead open your eyes to the reality of life here and now.

And if reality isn’t what you’d hoped for it to be, then make a change. Challenge yourself to learn and to grow; to forgive and mature. Deal with things in your past, face the things in your present and become the person you want to be. Don’t live a passive life, but instead create a reality you can be proud of.

Because only then are you able to truly live.

This article was originally posted at truelovedates.com.

I have. I used to hate my job so much I would pray for swine flu so I could have a legitimate reason not to go into the office. I complained about my coworkers to whoever would listen and left passive aggressive comments on social media about office politics. Looking back, I’m confident I stayed in the wrong position for way too long, but I never knew when to quit. How do we know when it’s time to find a new job or when to double down and reinvest in finding contentment where we are?

After leaving my job, I began consulting with people in this exact phase of life to help guide them as they decided on making a transition into a more meaningful job the way I did. Without fail the following four guidelines have helped me and many others find clarity around when to stay and when to hand in your resignation.

Decide whether or not your values are being violated.

Your core values are the principles and ideals you hold most essential to life. They are the CliffsNotes of your personal ethics and what you believe is key to your ability to show up with excitement, ready to engage in any aspect of life.

For example, you might believe collaboration is important and if you’re not working alongside someone else, the project isn’t worth doing. Or maybe you highly regard authenticity, and love moments when people are being vulnerable. Whatever your values are, they must be honored in your current job or you will eventually burn out and quit. The internal conflict of daily pouring energy into anything that violates what you most hold dear will lead you to long-term job dissatisfaction.

If you’re not sure of your core values, a great way to identify them is to ask yourself three questions:

• Where do I continually experience conflict or disappointment in my job and in my personal relationships?
• When I think of the person I most respect, which three qualities does this person have that I most admire?
• When was the last time I really had fun and experienced a deep sense of meaning at work?

Look for five to seven principles to guide you. If your organization cannot better uphold the values you’ve identified, it’s time to start tidying up your resume.

Explore how closely your job honors God’s unique purpose for your life.

If your job passes the core values test, but you still feel unhappy in your position, your discontentment might be a sign that God is telling you to move closer to your calling. That was my situation. I was well compensated and empowered to work with integrity and the constant change I so deeply valued, however I had this perpetual sense that I was in the wrong place. It felt like the skills God had given me weren’t being used, and I could feel my talents atrophying while I climbed up the ladder getting accolades for things I was good but not great at doing. I simply wasn’t living the purpose I was meant to live.

And God has a harsh rebuke for those of us who do not put the gifts we have been given to use for His good purpose. In the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25 we see three servants given talents of gold by their master and asked to steward these talents until the master’s return. The first two apply the talents, making a small return on their investment, much to the master’s delight. Well, done good and faithful servant. But the third, the one who played it safe burying the master’s gold underground to avoid risk—maybe choosing a great salary, medical benefits and a 401K over fulfilling his life purpose—he was thrown into utter darkness.

If you don’t know your true talents or have not yet unlocked your life’s calling, ask, seek and knock until you find it. It’s that important. Yes, we live under grace, but we will be asked what we have done with the gifts we have been given. A good place to start is by following Andy Crouch’s advice in Culture Making to look for the intersection of grace and the cross in your life. By this, Crouch means that special cross-section where you experience a divine multiplication of your effort and where you feel a special burden for the world’s pain. This rare intersection might be a clue to your calling. Work with a mentor or coach to help you refine and flesh out your talents so you can move out of your rut of complacency and begin to live a meaningful life.

Address the other places of frustration or pain in your life such as family, church and community.

Still discontent? Maybe your job isn’t the problem at all. Maybe it’s you. Often work frustrations can be an easy target for displaced disappointment in other domains of our lives. Dissatisfaction in our dating lives can lead us to feel annoyed by happily married coworkers. Spiritual apathy from being burned by our last church community can lead to disenchantment with the institutional vibe of a corporate gig. Don’t mistake fleeting work annoyances for long-term discontentment when you have legitimate unresolved issues elsewhere in your life. Focus on whole-life health. Reconcile broken relationships, kick destructive personal habits and reconnect to God before you jump ship from a good job temporarily gone bad.

Determine if there is realistic hope for a different outcome.

If your values are in alignment, you are working according to your life purpose and the rest of your life is humming but you still feel miserable going into work each day, it’s time to call it. Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings gives helpful criteria for when to say ultimately goodbye. He recommends cutting 1) anything that is good but not great and takes resources or energy from something with more promise, 2) anything sick that will not get well and 3) anything that is already dead and taking up space. This brutal process he calls pruning can be hard, but it’s nothing compared to the ongoing misery that comes from a job that is slowly killing you.

If you’re unhappy in your job, it might not just be you. Use these guidelines to help you discover if there are insurmountable issues behind the irritation. If there are, address those problems and move toward a more fulfilling life. Remember, God has a plan for you and His purpose is always good.

We asked the Internet to give us the worst, most cringe-worthy Christian excuses they’d ever heard for a break-up. The answers did not disappoint. You can check out the full list of cringed responses here, but we’ve included a few of our favorites below.

10. Was IM really the best option?

9. Then again, IM is better than this.

8. Of all the Biblical characters to be compared to…

7. Some of God’s ways are more mysterious than others.

6. The toughest one to bounce back from. Absolutely brutal.

5. Someone else in their life? Are they aware of this?

4. We’re simply too stunned to speak!

3. Crazy how God always seems to speak to only one person in the relationship.

2. Not the yokes …not the yokes.

1. At least this time they didn’t blame it on God?

Maybe not a terrible first date? I thought. It’s a bit intense but fair enough.

Charlie accepted and seemed to have a good time. The day after their wedding date – I mean, date-at-a-wedding – the woman appeared on a front porch with a wrapped present for Charlie.

Isn’t that sweet?

He opened it to find a framed picture of them at the wedding. Awkward!

Don’t couples wait to give printed photos of themselves until they are an actual couple? Where would you even place a photo of you and the gal from the first date? On the mantle above the fireplace? On your desk at work? In a box in the attic?

While your dating life may not include that kind of extreme experience, I’ll bet you’ve got your own awkward dating stories. But if we’re being honest, all dating is awkward – inside and outside the church. Here’s the key: dating is awkward, but it doesn’t have to be weird.

What’s the difference? Something (or someone) is awkward when it’s uncertain, ineffective, or precarious. We primarily use the word awkward to mean uncomfortable and clumsy. Picture a newborn giraffe attempting to stand – that’s awkward. Her legs are weak and shaky. She’s unstable. For many newborn animals, this is a normal process. Similarly, when we lack skills or try something new – like dancing or playing the guitar – it’s awkward. I stepped on more than one woman’s toes while learning East Coast Swing Dancing – klutzy to be sure, but par for the course. Weird, on the other hand, is bizarre. If that same awkward-but-adorable giraffe was born with six legs and pink and purple spots, then it’s weird. A creature like that would be completely irregular. Awkward is normal; weird is abnormal. 

Imagine dating a guy or gal, breaking up, and then ending up at the same small group. It would certainly feel awkward, but it’s also completely normal. Weird is when your ex shows up to the same meeting wearing a Halloween costume so you won’t recognize him or her. See the difference? 

The bottom line is that awkwardness is inevitable, but weirdness is optional. Christian dating at its best means accepting the awkwardness but minimizing the weirdness. 

On the other hand, somehow some followers of Jesus can elevate the natural awkwardness of dating to a new level and make it weird. Have you heard a Christian use any of these expressions?

• “God told me we were going to get married.”
• “God told me to break up with you.”
• “The Holy Spirit didn’t give me peace about you.”
• “I had a dream about you and it was from the Lord.”
• “God gave me this Bible verse for us.”

Although spiritual assertions like these might be sincere, mediating quotes from heaven is often incredibly confusing when it pertains to dating. Even worse, they can come across as spiritual manipulation. Dating is already an imperfect process, but adding superfluous religious lingo turns it into an enigmatic one. Our faith in Christ should make relationships easier not harder, right?

One guy abruptly approached a woman I know and claimed, “God told me that you would be my wife.” She was surprised, but told him she would pray about it. Days later, she returned and responded by saying that the Lord wasn’t speaking to her in the same way about him. He became upset, left in a huff, and accused her of not hearing God correctly. It ruined their relationship.

There is no one right way to choose a spouse, but there are many wrong ones. Touting that “God spoke to me” then getting angry that the other person doesn’t see it the same way is a wrong one. This man’s immature rebuttal only proved that he wasn’t ready to be with her anyway, because mature Christians are honest, open, and humble when they make mistakes. Maybe he could have won her heart by honoring her no, backing off, and humbly accepting her answer. If he felt the same way a few months later, he could have contacted her again and been direct: “I know you said you weren’t interested, and I’m sorry for how I acted. I really like you. I think we’d be great together. Has anything changed with you since we talked before? Or do you still see us only as friends?” No fluff, no room for ambiguity. If she said no a second time, then he could drop it altogether.

I’m not here to thwart how God wants to speak into your dating life, but I’d recommend waiting to share anything related to “God told me about you” until later in the relationship. You might scare off a viable mate. If you insist on staying prophetic, be open to being wrong, and immediately follow up you assertion with questions like, “What do you think?,” “How do you see it?,” and “Would you mind praying about this?” By showing humility, you’ll not only protect your reputation but honor your beloved’s ability to hear God’s voice.

It’s easy to outrun reality when we want something (or someone) so badly. In romance, feelings can cause fuzziness in our spiritual antennas. The combination of sexual attraction, excitement, and fear often jumble the signal. Understanding how God is communicating to you in romance is indispensable, but tread lightly and give it time. And apply His revelations to how He wants to guide your decision process, not someone else’s, in dating. If you question how God is speaking to you and prompting you to act, ask others. 

Of course, I’d be ecstatic to receive a booming voice from heaven on whom to marry. The truth is, visions, dreams, or spiritual liver-quivers aren’t needed to kick-start a godly relationship, and the lack of a sign from heaven doesn’t need to keep you from exploring a relationship with another Christian. Some believers are willing to let their lives pass them by as they needlessly wait for a sign on whom to ask out on a date. Stay open to the more mundane ways God might want to bring you and your future spouse together. Whether meeting in college, through a club, at church, through friends, or on the internet – every way God brings people together is holy. 

But just because God can write the name of your spouse across the sky, He probably won’t. He regularly allows unexpected twists and turns in relationships to grow you to be more like Him. The process of what you learn in dating is as important as the outcome. For example, being open, vulnerable, and sharing your feelings when you’re interested in someone is awkward, but, at the same time, a necessary stepping-stone to Christlikeness and emotional maturity. Furthermore, the normal ups and downs of dating allow you to grow in courage, display wisdom, and learn to hear His voice in a way that a one-off divine intervention wouldn’t. 

Thank goodness God still works in the midst of our dating blunders. Remember my friend Charlie who received the picture frame after the first date? That eyebrow-raising gift didn’t stop him. He asked her for another date, and they were married a year later. Go, awkward dating!

Adapted from How Should a Christian Date?: It’s Not as Complicated as You Think by Eric Demeter (© 2021). Published by Moody Publishers. Used by permission. 

Every time I see a photo celebrating a family’s newborn, I can’t help but think of my own experiences waiting and wandering in the hospital anticipating the birth of our son. Every time I hear of someone’s broken relationship with a parent, it calls to mind my own familial struggles, frustrations and hopes. So it’s not surprising that I’m once again connecting the dots, and these particular memories might be darker than most.

Reading news of recent suicides is forcing me to remembering a bit too vividly my own history of depression and suicidal thoughts. On a linear timeline, it was a long time ago, well over a decade, yet that shadow of myself never feels far from the present. The memories linger and remind me how close that version of me remains, just a couple steps down a slippery slope, despite the time that’s passed.

The news of a celebrity suicide brings a wave of mental health alarms. Concerned citizens will post, tweet and share phone numbers to call, urging those who are lost in a downward spiral to reach out and do something.

“Say something!”

“Reach out and get the help you need!”

“You are not alone! We are here if you need anything!”

Those sentiments are all well-intentioned, and in a perfect world, these statements actually would be helpful. A person in their right mind would hear a phrase like “call me if you need anything at all” and would respond in kind with a phone call confessing all manner of negative thoughts and destructive activities. Then again, someone in their “right mind” wouldn’t exactly need help with their mental state.

Here’s what I remember from the shadow side of life: I was physically, mentally and emotionally unable to call you in case I needed something. From the outside looking in, the answers look simple (and they really, really are), but therein is the issue. When you’re inside, everything is distorted. Everything.

There’s only one reason I am standing on the outside again: I had a friend who knew that everything was distorted and he entered into it anyway. He knew the circumstances of my life were less than ideal, and he’d also noticed I’d withdrawn. To be honest, I’m not even sure he knew what he was doing. He certainly didn’t have all the answers. It’s not that he was trained for such emergencies. He was simply willing to enter into a situation he didn’t understand, and he remained present long enough to lead me to some real help.

After the fact, when I was able to publicly talk about these feelings and events in hindsight, several friends and family members explained they were concerned during that period but were unsure how to proceed. They prayed behind closed doors, and they kept their worries to themselves.

That sentiment is relatable, even for me. Very few of us are willing to be invasive for the sake of reaching across the unknown in case someone is in need. In the same way you might refrain from asking someone if they’re pregnant in case they are not, our relational posture becomes passive for myriad reasons.

Yet passivity is hardly ever the correct posture in any situation, since it’s primarily rooted in fear. My friend might not have known what to say or even what was going on, but he was determined to be active rather than passive, to follow the clues to their end, one way or another, rather than waiting for a report from someone else.

It’s important to note my friend who reached out was not the one who provided the ultimate healing. He was simply a lifeline to try again. He didn’t have the answers (I didn’t know the questions), but he refused to let me sit alone in my depression, and his presence derailed my destructive thoughts. It was clear as he simply sat with me for long hours of silence or morbid conversations that I did have something to live for—that someone would care if I was there or not. That first step out of the spiral gave me just enough momentum to take the next one.

When I see the advice flying around, it heartens me to know concerned citizens are out there. I’m thankful for such services that exist to support those who seek help—suicide hotlines, recovery groups formed around an identified need or addiction, counselors who specialize in mental health.

However, I also know that a great many of those teetering on the edge between this life and the next are unlikely to dial those 11 digits or get dressed to go to that group that meets in the church basement. What they need is someone who will roll up their sleeves and enter into the void for them, someone who can bring that outside perspective into what feels like a bottomless pit.

Gen Z — emerging adults and adolescents born between the years 1997 and 2012 — is the first generation to grow up surrounded by smart devices. You Gen Z’ers use social media around four hours a day and realize it’s bad for you. You’re also at risk for mental illness — though of course, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of that.

And if you’re one of these young digital natives struggling to attain mental health and choose to turn to the internet for help, you will find apparently endless resources offering you conflicting and possibly unhelpful information. You will encounter page after page of possible diagnoses, complemented by hundreds of internet personalities trying to sell you a solution to the problem you think you might have.

In fact, there are strong links between precisely this relentless froth of information and mental illness itself.

Smartphone saturation and heavy social media use have diminished attention spans, increased body dysmorphia and depression, weakened in-person social skills and blurred the boundaries of our identities. Smartphones even disrupt our sleep. And all of us, without regard to age, are bombarded with news around the clock — much of it bad!

The same place many of you would seek answers is the very place where you could be the most deeply harmed. It can be discouraging and lonesome to try and heal alone, adrift in a sea of meaningless and contradictory digital noise.

In addition, mental health, just like mental illness, is a complicated and deeply personal phenomenon. None of the labels the internet might offer you can adequately describe any person’s mental illness or help people attain mental health without the relationships, stability, professional insight, and emotional integration humans need to truly flourish — particularly during adversity.

And your generational cohort has a lot to contend with at the moment.

You’re facing one of the most important transitions of your life, from childhood to adulthood. But you’re navigating it while burdened with more digital access than your still-developing brain could effectively handle. It’s natural to become anxious, lonely, depressed. Maladaptive coping behaviors often emerge.

Don’t blame yourself. You’re stuck trying to survive when you should be learning to thrive. Healthy, mentor-like relationships can help.

A recent Young Life study underscored the felt urgency of this need: Gen Z as a whole still values close relationships and face-to-face interactions above digitally centric ones. You’re digital natives, certainly, but you are still human. You need and want guidance, love, and security every bit as much or more than you did as children. Sometimes other generations need to be reminded of this, though I doubt you do.

After all, we humans need, and have always needed, healthy relationships to help us discover and understand ourselves. Gen Z is no exception — and the internet is no surrogate for community. The internet offers complexity and diversity where simplicity would serve us much better, at least to start.

Take the gendered differences we can observe in the expression of mental illness as an example. Men and boys tend to struggle with mental illness with externalizing types of behavior: Anger, aggression, and the like. Women and girls, on the other hand, tend to struggle with mental illness with more internalization; they withdraw, and become anxious and overly scrupulous.

But scrolling through even hundreds of articles on the internet can’t really help you dissect your mental health. The articles and research we often read as a form of diagnostic care don’t even account for things as simple as effective stress relief, let alone as complex as family dynamics, trauma, community stability, and innate talent or predisposition. So we can’t start with the internet when we want to heal.

We have to start by reaching out to those nearest and most important to us. We need to reflect on ourselves, as we are right here and now. More specifically, we can cultivate the trust, transparency, time, and talent we may or may not already have in our lives.

Cultivate authentic relationships with older mentors. Foster openness and genuine concern, in yourself and in your most important relationships. Allow yourself to trust people who are worthy of it.

Commit to transparent communication. Share your life experiences — both triumphs and challenges — no matter how difficult it might seem at first. Through transparency, you will develop both a richer community and greater self-awareness.

Invest your time in things that will nourish and support you. Don’t let distractions steal your days. Deliberately spend time with people and things that uplift, guide, and improve your heart and mind. Defend this time fiercely, no matter how easy it might seem to give it up in favor of work or distraction.

Learn how to accept yourself — particularly your talents. Learn to acknowledge, value, and nurture your unique talents and gifts. Seek out and rely on mentors who will provide opportunities for growth, development, and realization of your capabilities.

These four elements of trust, time, transparency, and talent will look completely different from one person to another. We’ve been made marvelously and each of us placed in different circumstances, with different adversities and advantages to contend with.

That’s why there are as many ways to find mental wholeness and healing as there are people. God made us unique, and He delights in our differences. He calls each of us to an unrepeatable journey of suffering, healing, grief, and joy.

Life is uncertain. You can feel uncertain about how God will show up. But you can be certain He always will.

Find the well-being and health He made you for through purposeful relationships and mentorship rooted in Christ.

Dr. Julie Yonker is a psychology professor and the public health program director at Calvin University in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

It’s a question that’s been uttered many, many times before—and yet for me, right then, they seemed the most daring words on earth for me to speak.

The pause permeated the entire park and pounded in my heart. My knees were on the ground, and my heart was in her hand. I held the ring, looked into her eyes and felt the weight of the moment while I waited for her answer.

As soon as she said yes, everything changed. One kind of waiting was over and another kind would begin. The clock started winding down: four months and 19 days is 3,408 hours, and that was all the time we would have to pass until our wedding day.

By definition, engagement is essentially a holding pattern. The beautifully maddening in-between. It’s a season of preparing and waiting. But in a sense, it’s also a season of being stuck behind the starting line. You’re told to “enjoy the moment,” but you also have to “get busy” and race to get everything done before the big day.

The moment you get engaged, everyone wants to give you marriage advice—some you should take and some you can safely leave behind. But rarely do people offer engagement advice, perhaps because they assume you’ll move through it quickly enough.

Yet between the stress of wedding planning and our impatience to enter the next stage of life with our beloved, is there more to engagement than we give it credit for? Is this time a necessary stopover to the next season of life, or is it a season in its own right, filled with unique lessons and experiences?

I would argue for the latter. Here’s a few ways to make the most of your engagement, from one engaged man to anyone else who’s ever wondered.

1. See your wedding for what it is.

Yes, your wedding is “your day”—but it’s also far more than that. It is a day that God created to bring Him glory, just like any other day. He is the only reason you have the ability to enter into this amazing relationship, and the fact that He has brought the two of you together is a great reason to throw a party. So celebrate! And don’t stress over the details.

2. Don’t let the wedding planning replace dating.

Of course, the logistics of hosting 100 people or so for dinner requires some planning. But here’s the bottom line: Don’t stop dating during the planning. Dudes, step up and help her plan the wedding. Ladies, respect the fact that he wants to marry you and not just have a wedding with you. Don’t turn all your conversations into planning the wedding.

3. Start practicing faithfulness now.

Waiting and saving your sexual purity for marriage is hard. But you’re almost there—press on a little while longer. If you need to, pray and confess your mistakes and know that, with Christ’s forgiveness, the past is over and done. Don’t drop out of the marathon now because you know you are going to marry this person. Your word and commitment matters—just as much now as it will after you’re married.

4. Reset your personal goals.

Sometimes it’s best to plan ahead, before you are living in your new reality. And the truth is, marriage changes everything. It will, in some way, change your life goals. Take an evening to refocus on some of your personal goals and what it would look like to write your future spouse into them. How does marriage change where you want to be in the next five, 10, 15 years? Then add their goals to your list. How do they work together? Talk through together what you both aspire to and how you can help each other reach your goals, both individual and shared.

5. Make time for friend time.

After the altar, your first commitment becomes your spouse. This is a beautiful gift of companionship that you can give each other; however, it affects your other relationships. So use the time of your engagement to value time with your friends more than you ever have. Also, try to understand that your friends aren’t as giddy as you are about this special day. Ask them about what’s going on in their lives, which are not consumed with what kind of cake everyone will be eating three months from now.

6. Pray and fast.

When was the last time you did anything as important as pledging yourself to another person for life? And when was the last time you set aside a time of prayer and fasting? Pick a day and mark your calendar to do just this as you approach your wedding. Marriage is likely one of the biggest decision you will ever make. Let yourself feel the weight of it, and respond by crying out to God for His mercy and strength as you start your lives together.

7. Reframe your expectations.

“Expectations” is a word thrown around a lot when it comes to preparing for marriage. And perhaps the biggest expectation we all need to adjust is this: Marriage is not the answer to all of your problems. It will not be enough to fill you up forever. He’s a great guy, and she’s an amazing girl, but neither will be enough. God must reign over you both. So start practicing this truth by giving each other a break and giving Jesus the reigning role in your life of making you whole.

It’s easy to float through this stage of the marital rite without acknowledging the value of the specific lessons that could be learned during this time. But your engagement can be so much more. Use this time to practice the truth that marriage is not about a 50/50 split but about going all in. Use this time to learn to love each other well and to love Jesus more—because this will never be time poorly spent.

As I grew older, I learned slowly to embrace my differences. In fact, I probably rely more on this uniqueness of my identity more than anything else, because I overcame so many obstacles to accept it and because albinism is widely misunderstood in society.

But a few years ago, a pastor challenged me on this, saying that I rely too much on the outward differences of my identity. I was not in a position to receive what he was saying. I thought he was attacking my dream to promote awareness for the albino community, and I was offended.

Then more recently, another pastor told me the same thing. He said that of course I can influence people, but that influence doesn’t have to rely on my physical appearance. This time, I was in a better place to receive what the pastor was saying. As I listened to his advice, things became clear to me: My albinism awareness efforts must flow out of my love for other people, rather than my personal need to affirm my identity. It should be a vehicle to show my love to others.

We tend to judge personal worth by external factors—race, gender, socioeconomic status, possessions, accomplishments, education and even job title. There are so many competing voices that attempt to define who we are and how we live our lives. The pressure to live up to these standards is enough to lead anyone straight into an identity crisis—and Christians aren’t exempt from this.

For many of us, there’s a constant struggle between how the world sees us and who we are called to be in Christ. The world may look at our accomplishments—or lack thereof—or categorize us according to our membership status to whatever larger group we’re part of. But God sees us as members of a chosen people, a royal priesthood. How do we balance these definitions of personal identity? Do they always have to compete? What do we have to do to find out who we really are?

Is it possible that our quest to discover who we are hasn’t gone far enough? As Christians, we’re called to live like Christ. And it’s our very identity in Him that requires us to then turn our attention to the needs of others. I realized that the outreach I do is not only about spreading awareness about wholeheartedly embracing this part of my identity, but also ought to be purposed in serving, accepting and loving others. My outreach—as well as yours—is a channel through which we have opportunities to show God’s love.

God made us who we are for a reason. It’s unrealistic to think we exist in a vacuum and that our identity doesn’t affect our relationships, our local community and even society as a whole. But first we have to know who we are, before we can effectively serve and bless others. Here are a few ways to discover who God has made you to be.

1. Learn who you are in Christ.

Relationships, career pressures, family expectations, media images and countless other sources tell us every day who we “should” be. But not all these messages will be good ones, so it’s crucial to discover who you are in Christ and to hold on to this, whatever comes your way.

Not only does God accept you, but He knew you before you were in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Knowing what Christ says about you empowers you to live your best life. It also guards you against letting your identity be defined by destructive influences. For instance, you might have the fancy job title now, but what will happen to you if you lose your job once you place your identity in it? Your job, status, physical appearance or social standing might pass away, but what Christ says and thinks about you will never pass away. In a storm of changes, your identity will never waver when it is staked in Christ.

2. Recognize that your identity is received, not achieved.

There are so many situations where we must work to prove ourselves—at work, in our friend circles, in a new relationship or even at home with family. It can be exhausting. Thankfully, we don’t have to “work hard” to prove ourselves to God because He already chose us. Ephesians 1:11 says, “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.” God’s love is not based on performance, gender, nationality or personal achievement. He chose you—knowing everything about you—on purpose, and that will never change.

So, accept this bottom-line truth about who you are—and walk into the world in confidence. When your confidence is challenged, come back to this promise—again and again.

3. Live fully in the world, but don’t let it define your identity.

When we receive salvation, we’re called to be a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17). But salvation is far more than just a one-time occurrence—it’s an active, ongoing process in which God renews, sanctifies and transforms us to be more like Him.

We must constantly renew our minds according to His truth (Romans 12:2). We cannot put our values and trust in the world—it’s a broken system. And if we let it define us, we will shape broken identities, when God has created us to be whole.

It’s not easy to reject the mold of expectations society would place us in. It’s not easy to reorient our self-worth by breaking from the norm of society’s expectations and turning instead to Christ and His view of us.

But the choice is always ours. And if we choose to invest in this ongoing process of discovering who God made us to be, we will become the best version of ourselves. And then we can help others to do the same.

We had lost one of our own.

I stood outside of the funeral home on the night of the visitation and stared, perplexed, at all the half-staff flags. I was here for the very same reason the flags were down. My husband and I didn’t know the soldier or family very well; we had transferred to this unit just a few weeks before the deployment started. But I stood at the funeral home with other wives from our unit, feeling the fear and the heartbreak that so many military wives have felt before.

We held hands and spoke prayers and expressed our support for the wife and family of the soldier who had given the ultimate sacrifice.

I left the funeral home at dusk. The last of the pink sunlight was clinging to the edges of the sky, and all the half-staff flags on the street were now dark silhouettes. All I could think was, I know why. I feel why those flags are lowered. For the rest of that week, every time I saw one of those flags at half-staff, I would remember. Remember, and mourn, and pray until my voice was hoarse that God would bring comfort, healing and peace.

The Importance of Remembrance

Remembering is important, because we live in a busy culture that makes us prone to lose sight of important things.

We are prone to forgetfulness. We make lists just so we can remember the things we need to accomplish today. Our minds get filled to capacity so quickly and we lose sight of things that are genuinely important. And even though we must focus on the here and now, living in the present circumstances God has given us, today is not all there is.

There are moments and events and people before us who have shaped our country, our families and our hearts. We can’t forget the people who have sacrificed for us. We can’t forget the families, many within our own Body, that have mourned and hurt and cried out to God in despair over the loss of their loved ones in war.

They are a part of us. They shape who we are.

Memorial Day is a time for remembering. We have a whole day set aside to remember the soldiers and families who have sacrificed so much for us. We celebrate our freedom. We mourn the sacrifices made. We meditate on the fact that God is sovereign over all of it and we thank Him for always being in control, even when there is heartbreak.

I know there will be barbecues to go to, family to see and potato salad that won’t make itself, but I’m asking you to commit with me to remembering and praying. Remember the sacrifices made for us. Remember the soldiers who dedicated their lives to our freedom, our protection, and the protection of others. Remember the families who are mourning and mourn with them.

But don’t stop at remembering—bring it all before God, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). God cares deeply for those who are hurting, and He is the one who can bring comfort, who continues to be sovereign over the difficulties we face.

The People We Remember

I don’t know where you stand on the military or the war. But this is not a day for political debates. Memorial Day is about people, probably some in your own community. Put aside the stances and questions for the day and focus on people. Focus on remembering and praying for people who are hurting, who have experienced loss, who have looked at a flag at half-staff and known too deeply why it was lowered.

When you see a flag on Monday, I want you to pause and take a breath. Stop, remember, then lift up our soldiers, military families, and our country to the One who holds it all in His steady hands.

This piece was originally published in 2013.

Though quiet spots are essential for spiritual strengthening and formation, they aren’t always attainable. As a musician, worship leader, father and New Yorker, I am always surrounded by noise. With everything going on in our nation, I am also easily sucked into media when I am not catching up on my Netflix. Because of this, I know I must make an effort for silence, reflection and meditation with the Lord to compensate the difference for the health of my soul. Solitude fuels us so we can be engaged and loving to the world. Solitude is our confidence when we are alone with Christ. 

Silence can simply be quieting your thoughts, listening to your heart and feeling your breath. It can be listening to the air and the sounds of nature. It can be acknowledging yourself as a living being, and can be reminding yourself that the universe is much bigger than you. Henry Nouwen wrote, “Silence is the home of our words. Silence gives strength and fruitfulness to our words. We can even say that words are meant to disclose the mystery of silence from which they come.”

Reflection looks like getting to a place—both physically and mentally—where we can contemplate our life, our worldview, and our faith. Reflecting on the Bible is critical to develop a rich spiritual life that is in flow with the word of God. This can make us more effective communicators and listeners because we are connected to the Divine presence. James 1:19 tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. In our seeking of the presence in us and around us, truth and love are found and enjoyed. 

Meditation zooms in on a specific element in the Bible or on a specific attribute of God and turns it over in our hearts. Meditation can also be a combination of silence and reflection with a specific intention. 

As someone who has been entrusted to lead music for worship gatherings, I have said my fair share of dumb things from the microphone over the years. Ever since I have made these practices a critical part of my day, I now find myself communicating and articulating my thoughts more clearly from the microphone. Christ always found time to break away from the noise to be alone with the Father. Christ was an excellent communicator. We must do the same in order to have equipped minds and hearts. To become more and more like Christ, we must be formed in His nature and follow His example.

Ever since my family moved to New York City, I have realized more and more why the Lord has led me on a journey to study these practices. There is always a siren in the distance, horns honking and shouting in the streets. Looking for opportunities to find silence can be quite difficult.

What I am discovering is that I need to find silence in the midst of chaos. In the middle of a crowded subway or walking 10 blocks to my destination, I can find opportunities for reflection and silence. I can be with the Lord when I decide to show up. I can create my own moments of solitude in my everyday routine. 

If we can choose to leave the headphones out and not always jump to entertain our boredom, we can learn to be fully present in the moment. And in that moment, we can close our eyes, and dwell on the peace and faithfulness of our Creator. When we consider the mercy and love dancing around us, we can find beauty in the absolute present. 

Trinity is in us and all around us. Trinity is waiting for us to show up and enjoy its presence. We must train ourselves to be present no matter where we are. And this can be our solitude.

But enough with the bad news. What about the good?

Even if failed relationships are all you’ve had to this point, here is a helpful perspective: You can’t change your past, but you can change direction now.

Whether you are in a relationship now or hoping for better in your future, here are five positive signs your relationship could go the distance.

Sign 1: You are both physically attracted and spiritually compatible.

While looks and physical chemistry aren’t enough to sustain a romantic relationship, those things do matter. Physical attraction is a real consideration, and if you’re not attracted to a person, by all means move on. Some Christians have a very odd tendency to disregard physical attraction as long as the other person loves Jesus. But this is romance, not a Bible quiz.

More Christians are on the opposite end of that spectrum, however, meaning they overlook a person’s walk, or lack thereof, with God as a deciding factor on whether or not they should date them. The truth is, whether or not both parties love Jesus should be an absolute deal breaker.

In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul actually makes a concession concerning divorce for believers left by an unbelieving spouse, saying to let them leave. “For you, wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Or you, husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?”

That, among many other scriptures, should bring real clarity as to whether or not a Christian should ever embark on a romantic relationship assuming that faith in or serious commitment to Jesus will come later.

Sign 2: You have real conversations about things that matter most.

Simply put, we date people because of how they make us feel, but we break up with them because of who they are. We come to recognize some fundamental incompatibility we have with them that we did not see until we were deeply involved.

People in good dating relationships explore matters that will vitally support or disintegrate the relationship long term. When you talk about your ideas of family and how you envision the roles of a career or ministry in your life, do you share a great degree of common understanding? If so, be very encouraged.

Sign 3: People you care about approve of the relationship.

While not everyone’s opinion deserves influence in our lives, we must also acknowledge the importance of counsel from wise friends and family. When a trustworthy person asks tough questions about our romance, it may be for good reason. If we are the only ones who see great things in someone we are dating, our vision may very well be impaired.

Pleasantly contrary to objections, however, is the shared excitement and support we experience when those who know us best and love us most feel we have found someone truly compatible. I can remember when I was dating my wife, Christal, my best friend told me bluntly, “If you don’t marry her, you’re stupid.”

What welcome words those were. I received similar affirmations from my father. These were good signs I paid attention to—and their reservations, though difficult to hear, should have been heeded in my rocky romantic past.

Sign 4: Your emotions are well-founded rather than foundational.

Extreme excitement is a component of most every romantic relationship—whether it last days or years. Because of that, we should admit to ourselves that intensity of feeling isn’t necessarily an indicator of lasting love. But for someone in a healthy relationship built on character, shared faith, and common life direction, such excitement is should be embraced and enjoyed.

After all, love and marriage are about more than emotion, but they shouldn’t be without emotion.

In Song of Solomon 1:2, a young woman extols not just the attractiveness of her love, but his very character and reputation: “Your name is like perfume poured out.” In other words, she is head-over-heels not just about how he looks, but who he is. If your romantic interest lost their looks today, would you be left with someone you had reason to adore?

Sign 5: You’re both have a commitment to Biblical values.

That sexual purity is difficult to maintain is undeniable. The more you love or are attracted to someone, the more you want to have sex with them.

Is it difficult? Yes! But it’s not like defying gravity, as long as you have a shared a commitment to honoring God. If you are a Christian in a serious relationship looking for strength or needing to do an about-face concerning sexual purity, know that your best-laid plans must be mutual.

And remember, if one or both of you has messed up in the past, that doesn’t define you and it doesn’t condemn you. The important thing isn’t where you’ve come from, but it’s your mutual commitment to each other now.

In our culture where marriages are not arranged, we can’t take the risk out of dating. I wouldn’t have it any other way; I love and still adore the woman I freely asked to spend the rest of her life with me.

Just as there were early signs that my past broken relationships were headed for disaster, so I can also see that these five signs were accurate indication of what would become a satisfying marriage.

Ask anyone this question, and you’ll get a variety of responses. I certainly have my own thoughts (which we will get to in a bit). Figuring out how you want to move forward is key, though. To help you answer this question, I need to start by posing a few questions to you:

Do you trust your spouse?

Now, I know you trust your spouse, I mean, you married them for Pete’s sake—I hope there’s trust there! However, trust isn’t a binary feeling. It’s an emotion that exists on a gradient.

For example, I trust a cab driver, and I trust my wife, but do I trust them equally? Of course not. I need to trust one of them just enough to drive me to my destination safely, while I need to trust the other with my very soul, my life, my hopes and fears—you get the idea.

And so my first question for you is, Do you fully trust your spouse? I mean completely, 100%, there isn’t an issue I could bring up (for example, finances) that you wouldn’t place your full confidence in her in knowing everything about. Deep, unwavering, trust. Do you trust him or her that way? If you do, keep reading. If you don’t, your question isn’t about joint checking accounts, it’s about the state of your union, and it’s time to start getting some help with this problem.

But, assuming that you do trust each other completely (congratulations on this, by the way) you’re ready to move on to the next question:

Will you be radically, unquestionably, fearlessly transparent with your spouse?

This is where it get’s tricky. Because it’s one thing to trust completely, but it’s quite another to let someone into every room of your life. Yet this is what we have to do to maintain a healthy marriage.

For couples in their newlywed stage who are asking this questions, I’m assuming things are currently rolling along pretty smoothly—which is great. However, when (not if) those issues arise, will your spouse have enough access to you to know about them and possibly even help?

This access not only comes in an emotional form (i.e., you being incredibly honest with them, even when it won’t be fun to do so), but it also comes in a more practical form. For example, will your spouse have every password to every social media, email and whatever else kind of account you own? Theyshould. Because while I’m sure you’ve got nothing to hide, giving him or her access to all your hiding spots will make it easier to ratchet up that trust to where it’s supposed to be.

Or how about another example: Will you allow your wife to see every penny you spend? Every. Single. Cent? I hope so. And really, you have to. Because if you don’t, you’ve married the cabbie, and your relationship is transactional and untethered.

Transparency builds trust, and trust anchors the relationship. I hope you’re radically committed to eliminating every hiding place. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Settle down! I was just asking a practical question about combining our accounts and now you’re hitting me with questions about trust and transparency?!”

Yes, and I’m asking you those questions because, while naysayers in your life may not be verbalizing it the same way, they share a common concern that keeping finances separate means more than just not wanting to be inconvenienced. We fear (because we’ve seen it happen to others) that separate accounts may be a symptom of separate lives. Which is why they (and I) are asking you to remove this hiding spot.

But maybe your desire to keep the accounts separated has nothing to do with any of this, and you really are incredibly trusting of each other. Well to that I’d say a few things:

First, I’m sorry you had to read this whole article just to get to the forthcoming answer.

Second, while it does seem easier and more advisable to have a single joint account, I get that there are extenuating circumstances that may necessitate more than just one joint checking and savings account (like your wife owning a company that, for tax purposes, needs to have separate accounting from your personal resources).

But at the end of the day, I would do all you can, in every sphere, to err on the side of caution. Does your wife need your email password right now? Probably not. She’d find nothing but fantasy football emails and Amazon orders. But, the safeguards of transparency are best erected when you don’t really need them.

Plenty of good marriages have separate accounts. But they do not have separate lives. My hope for you is that you prioritize radical transparency, and then and ask yourselves what the separate accounts really mean in your heart.

Jeff (not his actual name for anonymity sake) thought he and his wife were going to do great things in Hollywood, impacting the industry with hope and life. Rather, what resulted was a floundering marriage, a distance that would come between them, and an eventual divorce that left their family shattered. 

The trust they once held for one another was compromised by poor decisions made, as his now ex-wife became addicted to the lifestyle of fame and celebrity. Compromises of relational integrity always have repercussions. Jeff was left heartbroken and devastated in the midst of the separation, fearful of a life alone. How could he ever trust anyone again when his soul mate could leave him behind in the search of applause?

We have all suffered fractured relationships, whether it be romantic, platonic or familial. Everyone has lied to someone else—including me. I’ve lied and left promises undelivered far too many times than I care to admit. No one is immune to the fallen nature that leans towards falsehood over truth, hiding in the shadows rather than coming clean. It’s often that we look in the mirror and realize that we’ve even lied to ourselves in the effort to justify choices we’ve made that have derailed our life trajectory. Everyone is guilty—some more than others, of course, but all the same. Just as dishonesty and duplicity brought a distance between my friend and his ex-wife, so can it be with any relationship we form in this life.

One of the hardest things for me is to truly trust people on a deeply personal level. I’ll trust my family and closest friends, but it’s incredibly hard for me to take anyone else’s word seriously in a world where I’ve experienced far more broken promises than those that were fulfilled. Call it being jaded or being realistic, but I think we all know what I’m talking about. Every single one of us has suffered at the hands of empty words and fake relationships, with those “friends” eventually leaving us feeling used and hollow.

This is blasé and depressing; sorry to be a downer. And yet, the beauty of relationships is that God calls us to be gracious towards one another, forgiving the letdowns and the unmet promises. We will all let one another down at different times in this life, but grace is a gift we are all given that can be re-gifted to others. We aren’t called to be isolated, but rather to live in community with others that is filled with grace, love and compassion.

Even with grace being a redemptive factor in our human relationships, the soul craves more—something deeper that we can always count on to deliver. We want something solid—someone who won’t fail us. This is where, as a follower of Jesus, I find God to be absolutely captivating and enigmatic. In the Scriptures, we are taught that even in a world where we will be betrayed, lied to, and hurt by those we love, there is someone above it all who is not trapped in our fallen nature. One specific passage reminds me of the trustworthiness of God: “God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” (Numbers 23:19, NIV).

I love how the Scriptures remind us of the binary contradiction between God and humanity. “God is not human, that he should lie.” Basically, it might as well read, “Humans are a bunch of liars.” 

Let’s get brutally honest with ourselves: humanity is incredibly inconsistent. Despite our tendency to screw everything up, God is outside the human condition. How incredible it is to know that, even when the entire world seems to be filled with fakers and frauds, we can trust God to be the same as He was yesterday, a year ago, and 5 billion years prior. 

When someone you loved deeply lied to you and didn’t follow-through on a promise they made, how did that feel? The pain is often quite shattering, especially when it comes from someone with whom we’ve shared transparency and vulnerability. On the flip-side, we’ve likely betrayed them at some point in time, as well. The call to us in our human relationships is grace—the gift that says, “I love you deeply and I choose to trust you, despite the past.” The great news is that, with God, we don’t have to question whether or not He will keep His word. He is not human.

Jesus is the greatest reminder that God is not a liar. The promise of the Messiah was fulfilled in the coming of Christ, reminding us that God is with us, not far away. The name Emmanuel means just that: “God with us”. Jesus is one of many ways God has said, “I’m not human, that I should lie.” He is not one to back down from His promises, nor will He leave us in the dark. 

If you feel wounded at the hands of unkept promises and broken relationships, Jesus is there with you in the brokenness. He’s with you in the heartache and the pain. Nothing is beyond His grace, including you. We can trust Him, even when the whole world fails us.

Forgive those who have lied to you. Love them. Some may not be healthy relationships to restore and that is perfectly fine. In fact, it’s healthy to leave some relationships behind that are toxic and destructive. We can forgive without inviting everyone back into relationship with us. We are able to give grace to those who have hurt us without placing ourselves back in harm’s way. 

God is trustworthy.

Jesus is the embodiment of God’s promises fulfilled.

In the diction of Master Yoda, “Human, God is not.”

Step one: Pick a time and a place to meet with God.

Before my wife, Taryn, and I moved to Washington D.C. to plant Metro Church, I felt drawn to this influential area for many years believing that if you can influence this area for Christ, you can influence the world. But the people here tend to have an obsession with schedules and appointments. On more than one occasion, I have heard someone say something to the effect of, “I have an opening three weeks from now for thirty minutes. Sorry, everything else is booked solid.”

I have heard these same people confess that they struggle to find time to meet with God. My thought in pastoring them has been simple, How is it that we prioritize meetings with people we don’t even like and neglect to meet with the God we love?

I don’t say this in a critical way, but rather as a wake-up call and a reminder that we prioritize what we value. I challenge you to pull out your smartphone out right now and schedule daily time with God.

This sounds simple, but it is so easy to let the appointment slip if you do not guard it. In my earlier years, I was more sporadic in my devotional times, but I found that missed appointments with God led to disappointments in life.

How can I expect to find the abundant life He offers if I am not seeking Him each day to guide me into His fullness?

The time:

I recommend that you choose the time when you are at your very best. I believe that God always gives us His very best, so I want to respond by spending time with Him when I am most alert and ready to receive. Some people like getting up early, like five a.m.—that’s great for them, but I am not at my best that early. I have found that God does not speak to me at that hour because, well, I am asleep (He can speak to me in my dreams if He wants to say anything to me before the sun rises). God is happy to meet with you any time of day, so what time works for you?

The place:

Next, find a place for you and God to meet. I recommend going somewhere that you love. When I take Taryn out on a date, I do not go to Burger King because I want it to be a place that we both love and enjoy going to together. My organic, gluten-free-loving wife’s love language is most certainly not super-sizing some greasy french fries or being in an environment with screaming kids and dirty booths. Instead, I try to choose a healthy restaurant that has an atmosphere where we are able to connect with each other. In a similar way, I recommend choosing a place for your time with God that you are excited to go to and a place that is conducive to connecting with Him.

There is a classic ‘80s flick called Field of Dreams. The movie is about an Iowa farmer that hears a voice telling him, “If you build it, he will come.” Although in the movie it is referring to building a baseball field for the Chicago Black Sox, I have found this same principle to be true in my relationship with God. If you prepare a place for Him and build in time to be with Him, He will show up. If you build it, He will come! Once you have picked a time and a place, what do you do next?

Step two: Be still and worship.

In Psalm 46:10, God instructs to “be still and know that I am God.”

Honestly, I am not always good at being still. I would definitely rather be moving, preferably at a very high speed. Fortunately, the Hebrew word is not necessarily reflective of a literal stillness but more of a stillness of the soul. Psalm 46:10 can be translated as, “Stop striving and know that I am God.”

The context of this passage was at a time when Israel was being threatened by other nations. In the midst of these threats, they could trust in the covenant that God made with them and know that He would be their very present help, refuge, and strength (see Psalm 46:1). There is something about being still before God that reminds us we are not in charge—He is.

Once we are still before Him, we can enter into true worship. I have found that when I worship, everything shifts. If my perspective was off, I see rightly once again. I am reminded of the bigness of God and of how much He loves me and how much I love Him. I am also reminded again of how much I need Him and how trustworthy He is.

I have not always begun my time with God in worship, but I highly recommend taking some time to worship before you jump into reading the Bible. Worship helps you release burdens you are carrying and shifts your perspective so you see rightly again. Sometimes I will put a song on repeat, so that the words wash over me again and again. Our hearts are tenderized in His presence.

Step three: Read and pray.

God has written down His opinions and wisdom regarding the most common problems we face, so I recommend spending time looking at what He says in His Word. There is an integral partnership between the Word and the Spirit when it comes to God speaking. As you open your Bible and read, you are hearing what God has already spoken and asking the Holy Spirit to make it come alive so you can discern what God is speaking to you.

I recommend you start by spending 10 to 15 minutes in study after you worship. As you get into the Word, that time will likely increase. Sometimes I study for hours looking up Greek and Hebrew words and cross-referencing passages in the Bible. Sometimes I default to a topical study, or even a character study. Other times I spend just a few minutes reading a few verses.

Sometimes I feel as though God is speaking directly to me through His Word, and I understand exactly what He is asking me to do next through something I read. Other times when I read, God feels abstract and I struggle to understand how the passage has any correlation to my life whatsoever. This is very normal. Keep reading. As you continue to read with your ears and heart open, He will speak to you.

After you finish reading, take a few minutes to respond in prayer to what you read. Pray about whatever is on your heart. This brings us to the next step in how we can practically position ourselves to hear the supernatural voice of God.

Step four: Listen and write.

I recently heard that the above average listener only listens for approximately 17 seconds without diverting the conversation back to themselves. It seems that we are just naturally egocentric unless we intentionally guard against it. To illustrate this point, when you see one of your group pictures, who is the person you look at first? Is it your friends?

I didn’t think so.

In our relationship with God and with others, most of us struggle with being good listeners, but we will miss many important promptings from God if we do not take the time to listen for “the still, small voice of God”1 (1 Kings 19:12). Do you pause to listen to God or do you spend most of your time rattling off prayer requests? Don’t worry I have problems with it, too.

The single most revolutionary step I have taken in the past several years to dramatically increase both the amount of time I spend listening and the frequency I hear from God is something I call two-way journaling.

This is where you get out a journal or notepad and write a letter to God by just telling Him how you feel, asking questions, etc. After pausing for a few moments and asking Him to speak to you, simply write back what you feel like God is saying to you through listening to His still small voice.

If this is a new exercise for you, as it was for me when I started, I believe you will enjoy this focused way of processing with the Lord and hearing what He says as you write! Just like anything else you download from God any other way, it is important to test the message and take it through the same filters of seeing if it lines up with Scripture, testing it through asking the godly counsel in your life if it resonates with them.

Step five: Share and obey.

Who can you share with what God spoke to you? If it is direction you received, it is wise to share this with the right people in your life. I am committed to always having these kinds of people in my life and have given them permission to speak into my life and hold me accountable. The people that hold this place in our lives should also have a role of accountability. As we agree to be authentic with them and give them permission to speak into our lives, they bring great affirmation for the road ahead. Those who play this role in my life are the ones I can openly share with when I am walking through a challenge.

Although sometimes a bit humbling and even embarrassing, I have found it to also be one of the most freeing disciplines in life and it gives me the confidence to move forward feeling affirmed in what God is saying to me. Colossians 3:15 reminds us to let God’s peace lead us when we feel challenged to obey or step out because His peace is a tangible reminder of Him being with us.

Just remember God wants to speak to you and these five steps are simply helping to position you to hear His Voice in your daily life.

David I. Stine is lead pastor of DC Metro Church in Washington. This article was adapted from Stine’s book, Hearing From God, Five Steps To Knowing His Will For Your Life (2017 Howard Books). 

This was what I told my second-grade teacher when she asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. At eight years old, I was determined to earn good grades with a long-term view of gaining access to a prestigious university.

I was fascinated by the sciences and mathematics, always looking forward to perusing through science magazines and learning new math skills. I knew that becoming a doctor required excelling in academics, so I applied myself diligently, worked with determination, and even studied in advance of the next grade level.

My dreams of becoming a doctor looked promising.

“I don’t know what I want to do with my life.” 

Now, exactly two decades later, after the growth spurts, puberty, college graduation, countless nights questioning life, and landing my first “real” job, I would be remiss to say that by now I’ve graduated from Harvard Medical School and am well on my way to becoming a heart surgeon. Instead, through a series of twists and turns I never expected, with countless questions accompanied by eye-opening discoveries along the way, I eventually landed in the Silicon Valley working in the tech industry (far from being a doctor!) (no, I’m not an engineer, either). 

Looking back at the journey that brought me here, did I ever expect to land where I am? Not in a million years. Am I working my dream job? Not quite, and that’s okay. Do I know 100% know what I want to do with my life? Not entirely, and that’s fine, too. 

STOP PURSUING YOUR DREAMS.

When we live with a tight grip on the first draft of our dreams, we are sure to be disappointed. Being too enamored by our dreams, even dreams that appear God-glorifying, may cause us to reject any opportunities that don’t fall within our ideal blueprints, and therefore missing out on God’s unique calling and work for our lives.

However, if we allow for iterations of that first dream, or circumstances that may not look exactly like that dream, it leaves us open to the workings of the Holy Spirit. Holding onto our dreams closes us off from being sensitive to how the Spirit is leading, along with what God is doing in the world and in you.

You may have amazing, well-intended dreams to positively impact the world … but is that what God wants for you? You may have dreams of going into vocational ministry … but perhaps God wants you working at a 9-5 desk job to bring the gospel to your coworkers, or in education to help empower and shape the next generation of leaders with Kingdom perspectives. The possibilities are endless, but only through prayer, dedicated quiet time with God, and most of all an open heart to his will, not our own, will we be able to better understand God’s calling for us individually.

A lot of opportunities in my life have literally moved me from one city to another, one career path to the next. During those times, I thought God wanted me there for a specific reason, but it turned out that God had other plans way bigger than even my own imagination. 

PURSUE OBEDIENCE.

When I was working in my first job after graduating from college, I often felt antsy wanting to do “something more” in the world. I wanted my life to have a larger, more significant, more “important” impact on more people. I longed to use my God-given gifts for his purposes. After all, what good is my life if I’m not stewarding my talents, right?

I felt like David, tending his sheep, except I was bored of being “just” a shepherd when I felt like I was supposed to be doing something greater with my life. A little more than halfway through my tenure at my first company, I began applying for different jobs. Interview after interview, God closed each door. I became frustrated, while my desire to do “something more” grew.

Little did I know, despite my own restlessness, God was still working in the background.

One of my coworkers shared with the team that her husband was dying of cancer … and it was quickly spreading. Week after week, the news increasingly grew more dejecting, and her husband only had a few months to live. Realizing time was scarce, she would spend many days and nights in the hospital by her husband’s bedside. When she was in the office, I noticed she looked sadder by the day, and reasonably so. 

Seeing and sharing in her sadness, one day I realized that instead of looking for a wider ministry impact, I had been placed by God right where I was to be a minister, support and friend to this coworker—and that reflecting his love to one was just as equally important as doing it to many. 

“Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15:7).

On my way to the kitchen area, I would often stop by her desk and ask her how she and her husband were doing, taking every opportunity to just do one thing: love.

We grew closer over time, and a deeper friendship began to form. The topic of faith eventually came up, and I had the privilege to share more about my faith and beliefs. I learned that her church attendance had been inconsistent, and her faith had become weak. It was then that I knew for sure that God had put me there to be his ambassador to her.

I took many opportunities to pray for her and her husband. Knowing she didn’t have too many friends in the area, I visited her and her husband in the hospital. 

Over the following months, she began to pray more fervently, attended church regularly again and revived her relationship with God! She told me she was starting to read the Bible to her husband as he was laying in bed. I saw how she was like the lost sheep had been found, and I had gotten the honor to be just an instrument of God’s work in my office.

After a few months, her husband passed away, yet my coworker, in her confident faith, had peace that he had gone home to be with Jesus. 

Through all of this, there had indeed been a purpose to my placement.

God calls for obedience.

“He replied, ‘Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it’” (Luke 11:28).

You can fulfill all of your dreams and still miss the true purpose for your life. God can most use those who are yielded to him and will do what he commands. Our purpose is not to do grand things for God, but simply to obey him.

David never asked to be a king when he was tending his sheep. He had numerous seasons and roles in his life, from tending sheep and playing music in the fields, to delivering bread to his brothers in the battlefield, to escaping Saul’s unwarranted wrath, to becoming king.

Through it all, God was working on, preparing, and testing David’s character and faithfulness. 1 Samuel 13 describes David as “a man after God’s heart,” which is the kind of person God wanted to appoint him to be Israel’s king. 

Wherever you are now, appreciate your season for what it is. Be faithful and tend to what or whomever in front of you, with character and integrity. Love people unconditionally, for you might just be the only reflection of God to them. Live with relentless faith and an open hand to what God wants to do through you to bring his Kingdom on earth and into the field you have been placed in. 

That’s how rapper KB views therapy. As a self-described “pro-therapy advocate,” KB understands first-hand how privileged he is to have a good therapist in his life. Someone who can help him work through all the big and small issues in life, which he opens up about on his album His Glory Alone 2.

On The RELEVANT Podcast, KB shared how important therapy is to him, and why he hopes therapy becomes more accessible to those in need.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity. 

What are some of the things that you go into in your personal life on this album? 

KB: I think one of the big pieces is I talk about is wrestling with being a father and who has been fatherless. I’m wrestling with that dynamic. You know, you’re always the same age on the inside. There are things that I went through — let’s call them daddy wounds — that I would have thought that I was above, especially being a father. I started feeling like, “I don’t need a father, I am a father.” But there’s still a child inside of you that went through something that is still animating. Many of the ways you feel, or some of the actions you might find yourself kind of carrying out, those things need to be brought to the feet of Jesus.

But they don’t get there unless we talk about them. So I think that’s one of the main ways where I get vulnerable about the limitations and the challenges of my story.

How have you personally process the difficulties you’ve faced?

I think that a continual kind of challenge for me is not becoming over reliant on my abilities — my ability to be spiritual, my ability to be insightful, my ability to be smart or to read and articulate what they’re saying. Even my ability to manage relationships and manage people. It’s very easy to get very confident in those things and then find that you are not in control. The older you get, the more you learn of how not in control you are. Especially when your body is breaking down without warning.

Control is a myth. For me, I am taking that truth that I am not in control, I can’t control things. I am dependent in a lot of ways. One of those dependencies that I am unashamed of is on community, on the council of godly friends and a good therapist. I have consumed my life in those realities — community friendships, spiritual advisory from shepherds and leaders, and good therapy.

I thought about this the other day, that it’s a privilege to be able to have that. Part of it is worked on, right? A community, you have to earn that to some degree. A lot of long years of working and walking through stuff with people. It gives you a rich, rich friendships. But as I think about the ability to pick up the phone and call three or four people who are invested in me personally, not everybody has that.

It’s the same thing with therapy. If your insurance doesn’t pay that, you’re out of pocket. It’s expensive. And I realize that I don’t know where I would be without those things, but there’s so many people who are walking through this stuff alone. They’re hurting like anyone else would be. So as I’m talking about these things, I’m having to do with my hat in hand and seeing that the Lord has been very, very gracious to allow me these resources.

But I want to be an advocate for churches, for our government, for insurance companies, to see the seriousness of being able to support doctors of the soul, as well as doctors of the body.

Why do you feel like men struggle more with going to therapy?

I think men have been socialized to not be in touch with their emotions. I think a part of the socialization in our country is, you know, from misogyny to toxic masculinity, all of those buzzwords are all intersected into a man’s experience in this land.

I think when we say stuff like “women are emotional and men are rational,” you don’t give great thought to some of the most emotionally regulated people that I know are women, and some of the most unregulated, uncontrolled people are men. I haven’t heard of many women who someone stepped on their heels and they shot the woman or the person that did it. You hear what I’m saying?

Dealing with the inner expressways and highways of our emotions is something that we see that women do. We handle our issues with just sucking it up or putting up our fists — metaphorically or literally. That’s a massive mistake, and men are falling behind in dramatic ways, largely to do with the ways in which we have not valued what is going on inside of our souls and how the society also doesn’t value it. You’re not encouraged to take days off to get some mental health together, or you’re not supported in the event that there’s a major change in your life.

It is our men that are walking in the schools and shooting them up in the public places. It is our men who are taking their own lives at a rate that has exceeded all the major wars in modern history put together. You put all the deaths of men from the major wars, the AIDS epidemic — you put all that together, and men are taking their own lives at higher rates than all of that.

That is an issue of mental health. It’s a crisis that we have to be serious about approaching. Men especially, we have to be serious about our mental health. I appreciate men who we see traditionally as strong, athletes or fighters or leaders, who are publicly saying, “Hey, the most courageous thing that I’ve done all year is that I look my wife in my face and said, ‘I need help.'” That’s courage. That’s manliness. That is strength.

What what are some of the differences you’ve noticed in your life since you’ve gone to therapy?

I think the things that we need in this life are largely for emotional stability and they largely stem from communication. Violence, for example, is a language. It’s a way that, especially for men, that can help you understand what it is that I am feeling on the inside. It’s a mode of communication. Being able to identify what is happening in your heart with a term is so helpful. Whether it’s abandonment or imposter syndrome or ego or narcissism or narcissistic, being able to have categories from empirical data from human behavior that’s been studied over the years so you can put a name on a wound.

To put it in perspective, my mom has several conditions, and for years we could not figure out what it was. I remember the day that we got a diagnosis we rejoiced. We praised God, because now we know what we’re aiming at. Now we know what we are going after.

The internal workings of the soul are similar in the ways that you’ve been injured. You need to know what part of your soul has been injured because that drives our behavior. That’s been helpful for me, because as I’ve been able to name my own wounds, I’ve been able to communicate what it is that I am feeling, and then get tools to work through those things, to push back on those things, to help correct those things.

I don’t think it’s just therapists that do that, but it’s what pastors are for, spiritual leaders are for, community is for. It’s people bringing their kind of perspective, their means of communication to the table, and us finding a way to basically reach those wounds through the tools we’re learning from this arsenal of wisdom and therapy.

“This guy” — also known as Carl Wilson, my husband of almost a decade—and I had started dating not long before I asked myself that question, but it only took a few weeks for both of us to realize we’d found something special.

Carl had also backpacked around the world for a year after college and had moved to north Georgia to work in the marketing department of the nonprofit that put the trip together. A few weeks after I came back from my own trip run by this nonprofit, I did the exact same thing — moved to north Georgia to work in the marketing department.

On a chilly October evening just a few weeks after I started my new job, Carl and I went on our first date. We started talking about marriage just six weeks later.

Carl was the funniest, smartest, most wonderful human I had ever met (still is!). We’d both done a significant amount of personal growth before meeting each other, we’d both dated a lot, and we got to spend a ton of time together right away—fast-tracking a connection that could have taken months if we were long-distance or had different schedules.

Not only did I want to marry Carl, I wanted to get married in general. I’d always wanted to get married. Marriage was never a “maybe” for me, it was a “Definitely. Yes, please. ASAP!” kind of thing. It took a lot of work and intentionality to keep myself from wasting my single life because I was so focused on marriage. But when I realized the marriage thing was actually happening, like right now, I got scared.

One day I was innocently filing away wedding ideas for a relationship I didn’t have, and the next I was deciding whether to spend the rest of my life with the person I was currently dating—and finding that the decision was much easier in theory. I know he’s amazing, but is he “the one”?

It was like in driver’s ed where you watch a few videos, do a simulation, and drive around some cones in your high school parking lot, and then, before you know it, you’re in a real-life car merging onto the highway. You’re like, “Wait a minute, what are we doing? I’m not licensed for this!” The fact that your instructor thinks you’re ready doesn’t give you any more confidence; it just makes you question their competence.

Half of me was head over heels in love. I was floating giddily around town like the main character at the end of a romantic comedy. But the other half of me was freaking out, fumbling for the exit. My fear grew and grew until I was in an all-out panic. I wasn’t just nervous. I didn’t just have cold feet. I was petrified that I was going to marry the wrong person and screw up my life.

I’d made big decisions before this moment — abandoning my newly minted journalism degree in favor of an unpaid job in college ministry, backpacking the world for a year doing humanitarian work (which is how I started the blog that ended up starting my career), moving from my home in Colorado to north Georgia (where I didn’t know a soul) to work for that humanitarian organization (which is how I first met Carl).

But deciding who to spend the rest of my life with — it was the most high-stakes decision I’d ever made. Honestly, it probably still is.

When I was trying to figure out if Carl was “the one,” everyone around me had thoughts. Tons of couples in our circle of friends were getting engaged around that time, and we fielded questions almost every day about when Carl was going to pop the question. Not only were we dating, getting to know each other, and talking about our future, but we were doing it in front of an audience.

And the audience had thoughts.

My best friend thought we were rushing things and encouraged us to give ourselves some time. (Wise advice. We did exactly that.) My parents asked thoughtful questions about how we were going to support ourselves (fair), but didn’t take a hard stance. In my extended family, it was normal to date and live with someone for years before ever talking about marriage, so we were way early for their timeline. My boss made sure to tell me his thoughts. (Thanks for that!) He didn’t think Carl was a good fit for me. (He was wrong.) Random married couples, upon hearing that we were dating and talking about marriage, would warn us seriously, “Marriage is hard.” (I was never sure what to do with that input.) As the cherry on top of this sundae of expert opinions, I found a podcast from a couple who had gotten married just a few months after meeting each other. We became friends, so I asked for their advice. They said, “We say, the earlier the better!” They ended up getting divorced just a few months later.

One day during this season, I was sitting with a friend, running through my pros and cons list for the thousandth time. I was trying to figure out if Carl was the one. Every important factor I could think of was ping-ponging through my mind — everything I knew about myself, everything I knew about Carl and our relationship, and all the advice I’d been given along the way. I was panicking. I felt like I was making the most permanent decision of my life so far, one that truly had the power to make or break my life, and I had no idea how to move forward.

I was about to dive into yet another round of “what ifs” when she stopped me. She put her hands on my shoulders, looked me straight in the eyes, and practically shook me as she said, “Stephanie, you get to decide.”

Those words changed my life.

That day, I learned that a beautiful life isn’t one-size-fits-all. This is my life, and it can (and should!) look the way I want it to look.

The same is true for you.

You get to ask and answer questions like, “What do I really want? What will bring me joy? What do I want my life to feel like on the inside — not just look like on the outside? What kind of future do I want to build, and who do I want to build it with?”

This is true with who you marry, what career path you pursue, if and when you decide to have children, how you choose to create a home . . . you get to decide.

No path is perfect. Every option has some good and some hard aspects, and it’s up to you what specific combination of good and hard you’re willing to live with.

The same was true of the question before me: Did I want to spend my life with the wonderful, imperfect person that is Carl Wilson? If there was no exact right answer, no perfect answer, if I got to decide, then I decided yes. And it was truly the best decision I’ve ever made.

But the power of my friend’s words stretched way beyond the decision of whether or not I wanted to marry Carl. Those words changed everything for me. They’ve become my mantra, the words I’ve whispered to myself at every turning point ever since. Carl and I say these words to each other all the time, and they help us approach our life—the big decisions and the little ones too—with a combination of creativity and authority that I’ve discovered leads to a truly authentic life. That day, with four simple words, my dear friend changed my life. Those words gave me a sense of permission that unlocked everything.

Friend, these words are true for you too. When it comes to the important decisions you’re facing today, or the big decisions you’ll be making next month or next year, you get to decide. You don’t have to forfeit things that are good and true about you in an attempt to squeeze yourself into a life you don’t actually want to live. Your life should be a beautiful reflection of the woman who chose it. This is your life. You get to decide.

Taken from Create a Life You Love by Stephanie May Wilson. Copyright © (April 2024) by Zondervan. Used by permission of Zondervan, www.zondervan.com.

A new study by TransUnion revealed that Gen Z between the ages of 22 to 24 made an average of $45,493 in 2023. A decade ago, millennials at the same age were making $51,825 (adjusted for inflation). That puts Gen Z’s debt-to-income ratio slightly higher than millennials, coming in at 16.05% compared to 11.76%.

So what’s led to the difference?

TransUnion says this is likely because Gen Z has come of age during a high-inflation economy. Most elder Gen Zers entered the job market in June 2022, right as inflation hit a new peak and the consumer price index increased by 9.1%. Inflation has remained fairly high since then, and there’s no signs of it coming down anytime soon.

It’s no wonder that 14% of Gen Z feels “extremely stressed out” about their financial situation, compared with 8% of millennials a decade ago. That’s almost the exact opposite of those who feel “extremely confident” in their finances, with 8% of Gen Z saying so now and 13% of millennials in 2013.

It certainly doesn’t help that Gen Z is relying more on credit cards than their millennial counterparts at their age. According to the report, 84% of 22-24 year olds had at least one general-purpose credit card in 2023, compared to only 61% of 22-24 year olds in in 2013.

“It’s no surprise that in this economic climate, one in which the cost of living is significantly higher relative to a decade ago, younger consumers are increasingly turning to credit products to bridge their financial needs,” said Jason Laky, executive vice president and head of financial services at TransUnion. “This is a demographic that is younger and newer to the workforce and accordingly, is likely commanding a lower salary at an earlier point in their career. As long as inflation remains elevated and the cost of goods remains so as well, balances across products such as credit cards, personal loans and auto are likely to continue to grow.”

Maybe you’re dealing with a long-term diagnosable illness such as anxiety, depression or PTSD. Or maybe you’re just feeling burnt-out and uninspired lately, leading you into a downward spiral. One thing that can help you back on your feet is reading something inspiring.

We’ve compiled a list of seven mental health reads for your mental health needs. These pieces are chock-full of soul-lifting, hopeful messages that will have you feeling ready to take on whatever life throws at you tomorrow.

For Every One by Jason Reynolds

Jason Reynolds is known for his naked truth which rings clear without talking down to his audience. His words aren’t lengthy, but they pack a punch. For Every One is a poetic letter that inspires those who need to make the jump toward passionate and intentional living.

Reynolds’ message of hope through confusion is something that all humans need to read.

“Congratulations, By the Way: Some Thoughts on Kindness” by George Saunders

Three months after George Saunders delivered a graduation commencement speech at Syracuse University in 2013, a transcript popped up on The New York Times website, and it struck a deep chord with millions of people.

Saunders’ words tap into desire in all of us to lead kinder and more fulfilling lives.

Thriving Through Uncertainty: Moving Beyond Fear of the Unknown and Making Change Work for You by Tama Kieves

Tama Kieves is an inspirational coach and career-transition expert, and she knows a thing or two about dramatic changes. She graduated from Harvard Law School with high honors, and after an unfulfilling life at a prestigious corporate law firm, she left her job to pursue her passion and make a name for herself as a writer.

Thriving Through Uncertainty proves that the moment all your plans fall apart is the moment your life truly begins. She shares things like: how to control your mood to stay focused and happy, how to have faith in yourself and your journey, how to allow yourself to feel pain and discomfort, and more.

“Everyone Is Going Through Something” by Kevin Love

Kevin Love, five-time NBA All-Star, wrote a thought-provoking essay after suffering a panic attack during a game. He talks about being taught “how a boy is supposed to act” and “what it takes to be a man,” hiding his mental health from media and fans alike. Love, like many suffering with a mental illness, found that he didn’t know himself until he came face to face with his inner battle.

The hardest part of his journey was admitting that he needed help, which is a feeling that many people share. In telling his story, Love has opened the door for athletes and individuals, showing there’s more strength in seeking help than there is hiding.

Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes

The creator and producer of some of the most groundbreaking shows on TV today, Shonda Rhimes inspires people to live before they die. In her shows, her iconic characters have no fear in speaking their minds and living boldly. So who would have expected that Shonda Rhimes is an introvert? That she suffered many panic attacks before media interviews?

In Year of Yes, Rhimes talks about overcoming insecurity and how she blossomed into who she is today by saying yes to things she’d normally say no to. Anyone who’s feeling stuck or unsure of themselves should read this to change their way of thinking.

If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For by Jamie Tworkowski

In a collection of short essays, including the one that led to the founding of nonprofit To Write Love On Her Arms, we’re able to see that there is a relevance to a variety of difficult situations.

Tworkowski’s insight on depression is so raw and hopeful that it has the capability to pull someone out of their absolute darkest realm.

“In Dark Times, We Need Heroes — This One Is a Raccoon” by Hannah Jane Parkinson

News is sad. But not all news has to be sad. Columnist Hannah Jane Parkinson wrote a killer op-ed about embracing the good news stories over the predominantly negative ones. In her piece, she alludes to the raccoon that scaled the side of a Minnesota building earlier last month. Social media has such negative connotations in our society, but it doesn’t have to. Parkinson shows us an ulterior angle at the media that is readily available in support of our mental well-being.

The short answer is, a lot. Of all the surprising parts of parenthood I tried to anticipate, my spiritual walk was not one of them. If I could go back and redo things, I would spend more time thinking and praying through some common spiritual changes and struggles new parents face.

So take it from me, between wishing, trying, birth classes and gift-registering, new parents—and those who hope to be parents one day—should consider these three essential spiritual aspects of bringing a new life into this world:

You Will Be Reminded That You Are First a Spiritual Being, and So Is Your New Child

Human beings are spiritual, whether they believe in God or not. From beginning to end, the Bible traces spiritual formation of individuals in history and emphasizes the primacy of life in the Spirit (for example, in Genesis 5:1, 1 Samuel 16:7, Psalm 73:26, Matthew 10:28 and Revelation 3:17).

It can be mind-blowing that this vital reality largely gets ignored: bringing a new spirit into the word is a profoundly spiritual passage of life for the new mom and dad.

We live in a world saturated by humanist philosophy grounded in two centuries of Darwinian thought that have demoted humanity’s existence to not-too different from the family pet.

Over and over, the Bible tells a different story. Artful uses of heart, mind, soul and strength paint a rich picture of how humans are, in fact, spiritual beings and can personally relate to God (Deuteronomy 10:12-13, Mark 12:29-31).

Taking the time to study and understand what that means for yourself, and your growing child, will instruct you in ways never before imagined.

You Will Learn a New Level of Self-Sacrifice

There are countless stories to be told about 20-hour labors, stitches and failed epidurals. But the most painful part of bringing a life into this world doesn’t happen in the hospital bed—it is the ripping away of your own self-centered desires.

When I was a pre-teen, my best friend’s mom once said: “Everyone should have a child. It gets you out of yourself.” I thought, “What’s so bad about being ‘in yourself?’” I wanted to indulge myself—experience, explore, travel!

But adulthood—whether it is the biological clock or meeting the perfect partner—can change those feelings. When I got older, I realized my friend’s mom was right. Having a child will get you out of yourself, if you will let it. And while a wrenching process, self-denial is also deeply liberating.

The painful letting go of control and selfish desires prepares for an eternity of holding on, of clinging to a loving God and relying on His forces in Heaven that are fighting for you.

God will teach you through suffering to deepen your heart and connection with Him. You will cling to Him because, as the God of the universe, He is your only hope. And while the actual act of suffering may not be enjoyable, the benefits can be savored (Romans 5:3-5).

You Will Encounter Spiritual Warfare

Raising kids is difficult for many reasons, and it can be hard on your faith, too. A brand new family is a major source of concern to the enemy, and you may see the evidence in his desperate attempts to crush it.

Perhaps nothing is as threatening as a new spirit in this world, fresh from the breath of God. Nothing spells promise for God’s plan like a newborn baby and the new family formed around it. Your marriage is the lynchpin, an outpost of promise, and it will be tested for all it is worth.

The biggest fights my husband and I ever had were in those early days over decisions like sleeping methods, eating times and when to let go and find a sitter so we could have time together. It’s easy to get sidetracked on these less important matters by constantly fighting to prove you are right.

When your spouse snaps at you about the garbage, or says something hurtful—unintentionally or not—just see it for what it is: A tired soul worked on by the forces within and the dark forces without. If you feel menaced in this new phase, it is because you are being menaced (Ephesians 6:10-12).

But as Jesus would say, “take heart,” because His victory is everywhere (John 16). Your new creation, this baby and mom and dad—your family—has become a major force for good in God’s world. The enemy doesn’t like that, but he is no match for the one who lives in you or for prayers whispered in His name (1 John 4:4). Just take Jesus’ advice and live one day at a time.

The seismic wave of the spiritually profound time when a child is born will reverberate throughout eternity. And, if time is taken to pause and sink into it, the impact it can have on a new parent’s faith can be just as powerful. Bringing a new life into this world is so much more than learning to change diapers and survive on no sleep. It can be a way to draw closer to God, more than ever before thought possible.

If you’re a soon-to-be college grad, you’re likely equal parts excited and terrified. And no matter what, you’re bombarded with one question:

So, what are you going to do when you graduate? 

That’s a loaded question, chock full of purpose, significance, and direction; rife with tension and anxiety, full of your own expectations and the expectations of those who care about you the most.

Some of you may have your post-college plans firmly in place. Some of you have no clue what’s next. Regardless, you are entering a world which will bombard you with two very different and competing messages:

The first: “Live it up!” In other words, you can (and should) have it all. Wander, live a carefree life, and enjoy your post-college years before you’re tied down with a mortgage, a marriage, and a career.

The second message: “Figure it out!” Get your plans in place as quickly as possible, or you’re failing at adulthood. This brings a whole other variety of pressure: to get it right…right away.

Live it up, but figure it out. These messages cause post-college life to become an in-between land, an already-but-not-yet phase of adulthood. A neutral zone between a fun, carefree childhood and “boring” adulthood.

Both messages are false and confusing. To delay “real” adulthood for the sake of adventure is, let’s be honest, a stall tactic. It also assumes that adulthood is something to avoid (it’s not). But to sprint until we’ve checked all the boxes of a successful life is a recipe for disappointment. You simply can’t force your way into your future.

There’s a better way to thrive post college, a healthier approach than simply living it up or figuring it out right away. That better path is the way of vocation.

Post-college life: The Way of Vocation

Vocation, or God’s calling for your life, is a life lived faithfully with God in the many dimensions that make a good life. It includes our careers, but also our spirituality, our family, our church life, and our community. When we embark on the way of vocation, we live intentionally, even when we don’t have it all figured out. We also live our lives with hope, purpose, and meaning. Think of these three concepts as legs of a stool that support our post-college life.

Hope. English novelist George Meredith wrote, “To hope, and not be impatient, is really to believe.” These are wise words for your post-college life. Impatience can ruin some really good years.

The author of Hebrews (6:19) penned these words: “Hope [is] an anchor for the soul.” Hope provides moorings that steady you as you seek your direction in life. It also puts your desires and longings in their proper place. The post-college life is filled with ideas, questions, dreams, and expectations that often take time to unfold. Hope sustains you in the meantime.

Purpose. All your hopes and dreams may not be fulfilled in your timing after college. Patience will be required in abundance. However, this doesn’t mean this season of your life has no purpose. It is, in fact, intended to be a deeply purposeful time in which many important dimensions of the good life are developed. Your twenties aren’t just a holding room for a future “real.” They are real life.

Meaning. Annie Dillard once wrote, “How we spend our days is . . . how we spend our lives.” I think she’s right. Each of us is shaped by our habits and practices. The time and energy you devote to your post-college life is meaningful. It matters, and it’s much better to lean into it intentionally rather than simply letting your life happen.

Hope. Purpose. Meaning. Regardless of your plans, you can take these with that hard-earned diploma. They don’t eradicate fear or anxiety completely from your life, but they do provide the tools for you to take the next faithful step. The way of vocation is a process, not a destination. It’s a series of doing next right thing after next right thing, which Eugene Peterson calls a “long obedience” in the same direction. When you embark on the way of vocation, you can thrive. Here’s how:

1. Be fully present and fully prepared. In your twenties, it’s all too tempting to focus on one of these at the expense of the other. The best way to lean into your twenties is to embrace the tension of being fully present and fully prepared. In fact, being fully present to what matters now is often the best preparation for the future.
2. Actively participate. When things get hard, it’s easy to check out. Leaning into your twenties requires active participation in the many dimensions that make up a good life (spirituality, work, church, family, community).
3. Live implicated. To live implicated in your twenties requires having eyes that truly see what’s happening in and around your life, and a heart and mind that recognize your responsibility to be about God’s restorative and redemptive work in the world. Even in the smallest of ways.
4. Embrace freedom, not fear. Post-college life can be a scary place, and fear of getting it wrong can too easily dominate. The freedom of Christ extends to our vocation. Embrace it. He’s on your side.

Maybe regretful, ashamed, dirty, totally undeserving of an honorable man’s affections.

Sure.

But definitely not pure.

Here’s a little backstory: I had made many commitments to make drastic changes to my life before this day, but those empty words often resulted in nothing. I continued living my life the only way that I knew how.

I jumped from relationship to relationship because I was insecure and dependent. If I even felt that a relationship was on the rocks, I would make sure I had someone else waiting in the background. Sad, right? My heart was a torn-up piece of cloth and I kept trying to patch it with the wrong things.

There was one specific day when I found out that my on-and-off again boyfriend of three years was dating someone new. I had given everything to him and that physical and emotional connection meant double the heartbreak. It crushed me. My mind ran wild and my heart physically hurt for months.

But instead of healing in a healthy way, I decided to heal my broken heart by seeking more attention. I drank a lot and made bad decisions. I forced myself to date people who were never a good fit in the first place, because “I just wanted to be happy.”

However, it made me feel the exact opposite. I often went home crying, depressed and broken after a night out. I asked myself: “Why do I keep going back to this lifestyle if it makes me so unhappy?” I couldn’t answer that. And yet, I still ensured that I had someone on speed dial to keep me company, just in case the feeling of brokenness began creeping back up on me. And it always did. It always does, doesn’t it? I was a wretched mess who couldn’t stand on my own two feet without fake love and empty affection.

But God.

I gave my life to Jesus when I was 19. I have loved Him and failed Him ever since that day, but He still loves me endlessly. If I’m honest, my surrender to Him was initially more of a moment of “nothing else is working, so I might as well try this.” But God is good and gave grace despite my selfishness. And after I surrendered it all to Him – the filth, the despair, the loneliness—knew something was about to be different.

My desires were different. God was changing my present. And little did I know, He was drastically changing my future the moment that He led me to buy that ring.

I knew something new was coming. I was so ready and excited to destroy the life that made me feel undeserving and shameful and turn it into a distant memory.

After I purchased the ring that day, I got into my car and I shut the door. As soon as I placed it on my finger, I began to cry. I broke down into an overwhelming sob which led to a full-on ugly cry. I couldn’t have even prepared myself for the beautiful emotions I felt or the thoughts that ran through my mind.

I kept hearing this verse: “If anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. Old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

And in that moment, I felt a lot of things. But more than anything, I felt free.

Free from the obligation to be someone I never really wanted to be.

Free from allowing myself to feel used, just because I was lonely.

Free from permitting someone who called only when he “felt like it” to define every ounce of my worth.

Free from seeking attention and praise for my looks or my body.

Free from the desire to give myself up to anyone, especially who wouldn’t walk a mile for me—let alone 500.

I was free from the life that was so far from what was intended for me.

And that life is also so, so far from what is intended for you.

You are more than your mistakes. You are loved, precious and worthy. Whatever it is that you are dependent on or in bondage to, God is offering you a fresh start.

You may be married now and bear the burden of guilt for your past decisions. Or you are in the midst of living out these mistakes today, seeking a way out without any direction. Either way: You are loved. You may not have deserved a second chance, but you are offered one. And today you have the choice to choose Him—over yourself—and begin afresh.

I’ve been married to my husband, Jesse, for five years now. He and I fought really hard to remain pure until we were finally married. And it was so worth it. Some people mocked it, but I didn’t mind. I was secure in the belief that God created intimacy for my husband and him alone. I was content in waiting (even when it got really stinking hard).

Jesse loved God enough, and loved me enough, actively to show me that his priority was my heart and not my body. I had never been offered that kind of respect before. I had never even tried to earn it.

The closeness in our relationship was unmatched because we spent time talking and learning about one another rather than leaning on intimacy as a crutch.

He displayed an unconditional love for me that I had never once received in my life. He made me feel really, truly loved. He would have walked 500 miles for me without a second thought. And he made me feel like I was worth waiting for.

My story was no longer one of shame, but one of redemption. It’s a story of ashes to beauty because of forgiveness and love.

It’s never too late to start over. God moves in us. God heals us day after day from the brokenness we cause for ourselves. He fills our lives with a fullness that we can’t even fathom without Him. And He loves you enough to set you on a new path.

Lindsey Maestas lives in Albuquerque. She writes for the faith-based lifestyle blog, Sparrows and Lily.

As we sip our coffee, we’d probably have a great conversation, but my hunch is you wouldn’t bring up one of the biggest things you think about when it comes to your job.

Odds are, you might not enjoy your job all that much and you’re hoping someday to find work you love. Until then you have bills to pay and your job is the best option for income right now. However, through the everyday hum of life, you’ve wondered if God cares that you’re in a job you don’t particularly like. We know He cares about the big things in life like health problems and who you choose to marry, but does He care if you like your job?

If we scratch the surface a little more, perhaps the underlying concern is the fear that God doesn’t care about the suffering of a sort that you’re going through in a job you don’t like. You may be thinking, “if God cares, then why hasn’t He provided me with a job I like yet?”

There aren’t always easy answers to these types of questions. However, the Bible gives us some insight as to how God wants us to view work. According to the writer of Ecclesiastes, there’s no better experience in this life than to enjoy food, drink and work. In Ecclesiastes 2:24 and 5:18-20 the writer says finding enjoyment in those things is a gift from God.

God apparently wants you to enjoy your work and provides this enjoyment as a gift. So this begs the question, how can you enjoy your work when you’re stuck with this lousy job right now?

We get a little more insight about God’s view of our work in the New Testament. In Colossians 3:23 it says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” In other words, whatever type of work you’re doing, God wants you to do it with all your heart. Not sluffing off, not giving the bare minimum, but playing all out and giving it everything you have. That’s how God wants you approach your job, regardless of whether or not you actually like it.

Let’s face it, some of us are lazy and we don’t always want to give it our all. So where do you get the motivation to work with all your heart? Continue reading in Colossians 3:24. “Knowing that from the Lord you will receive an inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” The motivation comes from knowing there’s a reward for those who serve Christ.

So whether you’re sweeping floors, fixing cars, or analyzing stock data, God wants you to do it to the best of your ability to serve Him. He not only cares about your level of enjoyment with your work, He deeply cares how and why you do your work. So the motivation to work hard comes from understanding there is something more at play than just your day to day job. There’s a higher purpose for your work.

In addition, God wants us to be good stewards of all He has given us. This includes the abilities He’s provided to do our work. In the parable of the talents (Matthew 25: 14-30) Jesus speaks about two types of people. Those who use their abilities for God and those who don’t. God has given you the abilities, skills and talents you possess. As a result, He wants you to use them in a way that honors and glorifies Him.

However, you can choose work that is in alignment with the talents and skills God has given you and He lets you decide how best to use those abilities in your career. The good news is those abilities can serve as a guide to doing enjoyable work. In my experience, when you do work that uses your God given talents and abilities, your level of enjoyment goes up.

Going back to our coffee conversation, I hope we would talk about the question you’re not asking and you would realize the answer is yes. God cares if you like your job. He wants you to enjoy your work and cares about why and how you do your job. When your focus is to use the abilities He’s provided to you and your attitude is one of service toward Him, you’ll find enjoyment not so far away.