I felt like I was in that scene from the movie Swingers with Vince Vaughn. Vaughn’s character, Trent, goes up to a group of ladies and says, “How are you ladies doing?” One of the ladies, instead of answering the question, asks him, “What kind of car do you drive?” Trent is confused, so she asks again and Trent answers, “A Cavalier.” She rolled her eyes and starts talking to her friends. Trent, trying to justify his answer says, “It’s red.”

Needless to say, that was the first and only date I had with this girl.

Dating is such an interesting phenomenon. What if we could simplify it and focus on communication, rather than trying to impress our date with money we want them to think we have?

Below is a list of six date ideas you can use this weekend that will organically open fruitful conversation about life, culture and faith—and they’re all free!

The Beach or Park

Since I live in Southern California, the beach is usually my first choice. My first date with my wife was at the beach. After we started talking I checked out her social media and found out what she liked, so I prepared a picnic for her before I “taught” her how to surf. I think she was impressed that I put thought into the first date as opposed to being weirded-out by me checking her out online. Regardless, it worked.

The beach is nice because you can park on a side street, walk around in the sand and have great conversation all in the midst of God’s creation.

The park is another similar idea to the beach. It’s another opportunity to get to know one another in a refreshing environment and a place where you can usually feed the ducks.

Serve Together

A great way to discover more about the character of a person is to see if they are willing to serve. When we serve, we are making ourselves less and elevating others. If serving others is important to you (like it was and is to Jesus), this will show what your date’s perspective is.

You can serve at a soup kitchen, participate in a citywide clean-up day or even volunteer at a rescue mission.

Farmers Market

Farmers markets are a great place to peruse a selection of fresh produce or handcrafted products, hear live music from local musicians or even run into some friends.

The last time I was at a farmers market I was amazed at the multitude of styles of wallets and what they were made out of. And even the street entertainers are amazing! Part of the appeal is seeing creativity like never before. You don’t even have to buy anything, just wandering through the markets is interesting and fun.

Concert in the Park

I remember growing up going to concerts in the park. There would be well over a thousand people in attendance—and it was free! They had big band, jazz, classical, etc. For the most part I would not normally listen to this type of music but it was a great cultural experience in a peaceful environment.

Often times, cities—in addition to having concerts in the park—will also have musicals in the park. These musicals are usually performed by local professionals, and seeing one is a great way to support the arts. Some cities will also show movies in the park.

The great part about these concerts is they can open the conversation up to talk about the arts and are a great chance to get outdoors and enjoy the scenery.

Go on a Hike

Going on a hike is another way to be in God’s creation and enjoy it with your date. Maybe you know of a waterfall, an open pasture where wild animals roam or a peaceful creek. The more thought put into the location, the more appreciation your date will have for your thoughtfulness.

God’s beauty is experienced as you walk, which is a great opportunity for conversations about faith.

Movie Night—But Not “Netflix and Chill”

It’s important to set boundaries in dating. Boundaries develop trust and communicate respect. So for this type of date, it is best to invite friends over. Maybe you decide to watch a movie your group usually wouldn’t like a foreign film, a B-rated movie or a movie from the year you were born.

Chances are you will mock the movie, but you are creating fun memories and probably a lot of inside jokes to be overused over the years!

The wonderful part about this date is you’re surrounded with friends, creating memories instead of dealing with sexual temptation.

No BMW Needed

In order to go on these dates, you do not need a BMW. All you need is someone you are interested in and want to get to know a little better. Since these dates are free, the focus will be on developing the relationship and having great conversation.

In a developing marriage, it’s as if you’re watching a magician, but you’ve demystified his tricks. The magic has become normal. It’s no longer thrilling or mesmerizing.

The question marriage blogs, podcasts and seminars have trained us to ask is, ‘How do we put the magic back into our marriage?’ That’s the wrong question. We should be asking: ‘Is there something better than magic?’

On an episode of This American Life, host Ira Glass shared this quote by magician Ricky Jay:

“There are many effects in magic where what’s going on behind the scenes is actually much more interesting than what the audience sees. And as a magician, you sort of want to say, if only you could know what’s really happening here…”

That last line, “If only you could know what’s really happening here…” is the perspective of someone who is still amazed even after the magic is exposed as an illusion. The same is true of marriage. From the outside, marriage can seem like a cocoon that works in reverse, transforming your beautiful, spontaneous butterfly of love into a bill-paying, baby-making caterpillar. Within a marriage, however, the opposite is true. A boring marriage can become better than the goosebumps it replaced.

In The Meaning Of Marriage, pastor and author Tim Keller wrote:

“While marriage is many things, it is anything but sentimental. Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears; humbling defeats and exhausting victories.”

If you’re looking for a magical relationship in which you complete one another, your husband exceeds your expectations and your wife helps you find your true self, you’re going to be disappointed. That’s not what marriage is for. Marriage is designed to make us more like Christ.

In other words, marriage is like a foundry, designed to melt our pride and mold us into something glorious. And like metalwork, marriage is a slow process that requires heat and pressure. “Till death do us part” isn’t sexy, nor is it magical. In fact, the traditional wedding vows are specifically about the wonder and beauty that remains in marriage after the magic has disappeared: “…For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…”

Your spouse won’t complete you, your marriage won’t perfectly satisfy you and your life together will never be enough if the goal of your marriage is to fulfill your happiness. Because marriage isn’t meant to make you happy. It’s meant to bring you lasting joy. And the frustrating reality about life is that while temporary happiness and lasting joy sometimes look alike on the surface, they are often in complete opposition to each other.

In a New York Times article called, “A Roomful of Yearning and Regret,” Wendy Plump describes the difference between happiness and joy when she writes about an affair she had during her first marriage:

“When you have an affair you already know you will have passionate sex — the urgency, newness and illicit nature of the affair practically guarantee that… What you don’t allow yourself to think about, is that your life will become an unbearable mix of yearning and regret because of it.”

At the end of the article, Plump contrasts her affair with her parents’ beautiful and ‘boring’ marriage.

“I look at my parents and at how much simpler their lives are at the ages of 75, mostly because they haven’t marred the landscape with grand-scale deceit. They have this marriage of 50-some years behind them, and it is a monument to success. A few weeks or months of illicit passion could not hold a candle to it.

If you imagine yourself in such a situation, where would you fit an affair in neatly? If you were 75, which would you rather have: years of steady if occasionally strained devotion, or something that looks a little bit like the Iraqi city of Fallujah, cratered with spent artillery?”

Marriage is a lifelong relationship between two people who, on their best days, love one another and feel it, and on their worst days, choose to love one another even when they don’t feel it. Marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness, but it promises lasting joy.

Marriage sometimes brings laughter, googly-eyes and fun date nights. Other times it brings sleepless babies, budgeting and scheduled sex. That may not sound romantic from the outside, but when reality punches you in the gut, there’s nothing more comforting than knowing no matter what— for better or worse — tomorrow morning your spouse will be there ready to take on the world with you.

Disillusionment with marriage is not a red flag. It’s not a reason to panic and it’s not an indicator that you’re falling out of love. Actually, it might be the beginning of understanding the truth of love that’s unconditional.

Contentment is all about a shift in your perspective—a daily decision to trust God in all circumstances and to see Him at work in every chapter of your life. Here are a few keys to contentment during a season of singleness:

Cultivate a Heart of Gratitude

Your praise and thanksgiving is a powerful weapon. Instead of focusing on what you lack, remember and acknowledge all that you have. By doing so, you can fight those feelings of discouragement and give God the opportunity to remind you of His favor and many blessings.

Singleness is not God’s way of depriving you or punishing you. Don’t get so caught up in hoping and searching for a significant other that you forget about all the blessings God has given you—in other important relationships in your life, in the talents He’s given you, even in whatever freedoms you are able to enjoy as a single person. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18, it says that we should “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Invest in Your Family/Friend Relationships

Cherish every moment, conversation and experience with the people you love. Although family and friends will always be a part of your life, relationship dynamics change when that “special someone” enters the scene. As a single, you have the ability to dedicate your time and primary focus to nurturing these family and friend relationships. By looking beyond our own personal gratification, our vision is cleared and our awareness of others’ needs increases.

Pursue Your God-Given Dreams

Regardless of your relationship status, go after your goals, dreams and God-given aspirations. Do not wait! One of the biggest mistakes singles often make is waiting to chase their dreams until they have someone to do so with them. In doing so, they miss out on the wonderful things this season has to offer.

Don’t put your ambitions and passions on hold until you find someone. Rather, as you dedicate your time and energy to fulfilling God’s call on your life, He will bless you with a teammate along the way—someone who will support your endeavors and challenge you to become all that you can be.

Maintain High Standards

The longer you’re single, the more tempting it can be to just date whoever expresses interest, even if you know you’re not compatible. Don’t settle for second best or get caught up in the wrong relationships out of desperation. Obviously, there’s no perfect person who will meet every one of your expectations, but you shouldn’t compromise your core standards.

Keep Up Spiritual Practices

Regardless of your relationship status, things like prayer, time in the Word and journaling are important for keeping your spiritual life healthy. Prayer not only brings you peace, but it reminds you of who is in control. We often take this responsibility upon ourselves as though we have the capability to orchestrate every tiny detail of our lives. However, the truth of the matter is God has asked us to surrender our plans to Him—trusting that He knows best.

Instead of spending your time worrying, dive into Scripture and allow God’s Word to replenish your soul. I like to think of God and His words as the ultimate power source. When we plug into this power source, we receive His joy, strength and wisdom.

Surrender Control

In a season of singleness, it is easy to doubt God, especially when we can’t see the big picture. It can be tempting to think that it’s your responsibility to go out and find someone. But as you practice patience, be encouraged and know that as you wait and seek God, He is working behind the scenes and orchestrating your larger story. He is shaping you and maturing you into the man or woman He has called you to be. If God knit you together in your mother’s womb, then He must understand you better than anyone else. Do you trust Him with your future? Do you believe He knows not only what is best for you, but the timing in which it will all pan out?

Encourage and Serve Others

During this season, God has given you tasks and responsibilities to serve and provide lasting hope to those in need. Whether serving on the mission field, on your school and church campus or in your local community, you have a unique purpose and contribution to society. Every act of kindness, loving embrace or word of encouragement makes a difference in the global community. Changing the world begins with you.

God’s plan for your life is beyond anything you could ever dream up on your own, and His plan for you doesn’t begin or end with you finding a spouse. Let Him turn your worries and anxieties into contentment for the present and great excitement and anticipation for what lays ahead. Give God the pen and let Him write your story. It is going to be amazing.

Unfortunately, it seems like many young singles struggle to figure out just how to handle dating–and I’m not the only one who’s noticed how weird the Christian dating scene can be. As my friend Lindsey, married and in her thirties, recently remarked, “I’m sure glad I wasn’t much of a Christian when I started dating my husband!”

Whether over coffee in my kitchen or on the hallowed ground of women’s small groups, I hear these murmurs constantly. “My daughter was interested in this nice Christian boy, but he strung her along for a year and a half. The next one did too.” Or, “Jeremy acted like they were friends but she told me later that they were hooking up on the side.” With that kind of dismal dating culture at play, let’s consider the options:

First, there’s “Duggar Dating.” Duggar dating is the modern-day form of arranged marriages. I don’t have first-hand knowledge, but thanks to reality TV, I believe it appears to involve asking the woman’s dad if she is available to date, and possibly not kissing until the actual wedding.

Outside the Duggar-verse, there is the less overt but just as prevalent “ideal spouse” dating. This involves judging a potential guy or girl for the 38 qualities you are looking for in an ideal mate—before even grabbing coffee together. It’s like arranged marriages where no one is making the arrangements, and it doesn’t seem to work very well.

At the opposite extreme, there is “Faux Christian Dating”—in which young Christians have no idea what to do with dating, so they avoid it. Instead of dating, lots of “hanging out” occurs. “Hanging out” leads to all kinds of mixed feelings. Does he like me? Is she flirting? What does this text mean? Why did he sit next to me at church? Did she want my sweatshirt because she was cold, or because she likes me?

Sometimes the “hanging out” leads to hooking up, sans dating, which is another uber-confusing side effect of the Faux Christian Dating cycle.

But what if there was another option? What if Christians just began to date like normal people—not dating toward immediate marriage and not eschewing dating for the less-desirable “hanging out” no man’s land? Here’s what I think it would require:

1) Date Indiscriminately

Stop evaluating whether the guy who’s taken an interest in you is strong and tenderhearted enough to raise your future kids. Stop evaluating whether the new girl at church is hot enough and “low-maintenance” enough for your liking.

If you take notice, if you are intrigued or interested, make a date! Get together—one on one. We are talking about one afternoon or evening together, not a lifetime. And unless someone’s making arrangements for you, it’s worth spending at least a little bit of time with the person before you decide if they are worth marrying.

2) Date Casually

Not every date needs to be a total success. But it’s foolish to think that the way a girl or guy acts in a group of friends is the same as how they’ll act one on one. Dating helps two people sort out what it would be like to be together, to be in a friendship. Most of marriage involves time together, one on one, in a friendship. And spending intentional one-on-one time—not too serious, just time—allows both parties to experience what it would be like to continue in the relationship.

I can’t say it clearly enough: Hanging out in groups will not be enough information to determine who is worth marrying. Everyone is different when you get them one-on-one.

3) Date Often

When we were still in college, my husband had 38 first job interviews before he landed a second one. He was horrible at interviews, but by the 38th one, he had learned how to engage with good questions, talk about himself an appropriate amount and gauge interest from himself and the interviewer. He didn’t get necessarily smarter–he got more experienced. Dating can be like that too. Sometimes we all need a little practice with figuring out what we really want–not in terms of our “ideal spouse” but a real flesh-and-blood human.

4) Date Toward Interest, Not Toward Marriage

“Do you think Christian girls make dating too serious?” I asked several guys recently. “I need a buffer of at least five dates before I’m thinking of any future at all!” said one young man.

What if you completely jettison the idea of finding your husband or wife via dating, at least for the first five dates? What if dating is about getting to know someone and gauging interest, not lifelong compatibility?

The great thing about changing expectations is that it lowers the pressure on grabbing dinner together and figuring out if the two of you even like talking to one another!

Of course, one of the biggest obstacles toward casual dating is the inevitable “ending.” So many of us equate kindness with never saying anything hard to anyone. In truth, kindness is not about passivity. Kindness is honoring someone in your treatment of them, but kindness is also honoring them by ending a dating relationship if needed.

If you’ve maintained boundaries and treated your date with respect, you’ve protected him or her from false and premature intimacy. Will it be awkward? Sure, it will! But the purpose of dating isn’t to just accumulate boyfriends or girlfriends—it’s to find a best friend and partner for life. And when you find him or her, chances are, none of those other guys or gals you’ve casually dated will matter much in the light of your spouse.

The reality is that you can’t have it all. You can’t have the attention of multiple dates and still be pursuing a God-honoring relationship with one. You can’t maintain 10 flirty friendships and expect to make space in your heart for one awesome husband or wife. But you can start somewhere—slowly, and casually—and trust God to lead you into more.

Many of us are sometimes caught off guard, berating ourselves for not catching the signs much sooner. Feelings of regret, anger and disbelief collide in one single moment of realization: How could this person slander and gossip about me? How could this person jump to false conclusions about me? How could this person fool himself into thinking I will not find out about it one day?

Before we strike the gavel and pronounce the verdict, let’s examine three signs to understand how a relationship, unbeknownst to us, can turn toxic so quickly.

There is an imbalance in the friendship.

A healthy relationship exists when two people are committed to building and developing it together. If you catch yourself being the constant giver and counselor, then you are in trouble. You are no one’s savior. You cannot provide all the answers a person needs—it is not fair for you to become the parent or guardian in the friendship.

Recognize your own limitations and bring this friendship before God. 

There is a sense of guilt to prove yourself in this friendship.

Apostle Paul says it best with the following exhortation: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” The biblical sense of honor does not imply self-denial, stooping low and compromising your own beliefs, values and ideas for the sake of winning another brother or sister.

Neither does the Bible teach us that honoring means submitting blindly to another person, especially when God’s Word is compromised or taken out of context. If you find yourself currently in a guilt-ridden relationship, it is time to come out into the open. Confront yourself before confronting the person involved in a manner that is Christ-honoring. Trace and evaluate the root causes of your fear and guilt in this friendship. Then seek to reconcile and communicate with your friend, inviting the Holy Spirit to take hold of the situation.

There is passive-aggressive behavior in this relationship.

According to the English Oxford Dictionary, a passive-aggressive person is defined as: “A personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.” Passive-aggressive behavior is the harbinger of toxicity and destruction in any relationship. This is the type of behavior that waters the weeds of gossip to grow, leading to a vicious cycle of slandering and rumor spreading. It’s much more convenient to talk behind a person’s back in the disguise of seeking refuge and consolation from other fellow believers.

It’s much more convenient to play the victim, leveraging the sympathy and support of others. It’s much more convenient to rant in criticism behind the person’s back instead of mustering the courage to speak a single word to them. Do not be fooled. For a moment, you convinced yourself that you honored your friend by not shaming him directly. This is false honor. This is the beginning of cruelly setting a relationship on fire. “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body” (James 3:5-6).

Take the time to pray and reflect on these three signs. For those of you who identify at least one sign emerging in your friendships, bring this friendship before the Lord. Ask the Lord for direction in speaking with your friend. If you’re unsure how to approach this friendship, make sure to surround yourself with a solid community of Spirit-filled believers who can support you and reach out to you and your friend.

If you’re biting your tongue as you read this, it is time for you to seriously re-evaluate your relationship with this person. It is time to humbly pray and surrender this friendship to God.

If the Lord is beckoning you to let go and move on from this friendship (in the event that you tried reconciling, but to no avail), take the time to grieve and mourn, then move on. During this process, pray continually, discern and seek godly confirmations from Scripture, the Church and trusted brothers and sisters. Keep in mind, the ministry of reconciliation is at the heart of the Father and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Whatever you decide to do, speak and act graciously so that our Father in Heaven is glorified.

As far as Gen Z and millennials are concerned, dating apps are in their flop era.

A new report from Eventbrite, an event management site, found that young adults are increasingly turning to live events like speed dating and singles mixers to meet potential matches instead of dating apps. Last year, searches for live singles events increased 43 percent from the year prio, with over 1.5 million searches for it on Eventbrite’s platform.

To answer these questions, we asked Dr. Dharius Daniels, pastor of Change Church and all-around relationship expert. Daniels’s book Relational Intelligence examines the role relationships play in our spiritual, physical, financial, emotional and professional lives. 

We spoke with Daniels about why relationships today seem difficult, how we can make them healthier, and how we can handle them when they don’t live up to our hopes. 

This conversation has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

When you look at the landscape of the common mistakes you see young people making in relationships today, are there any common themes you see an extra amount of in our culture?

I think in every generation you’ll see patterns and trends. One of those is an underestimation of the power of emotional attachments. There is this assumption that you can casually date without making emotional attachments. What you’re really doing is rolling the dice with your heart and the impact that some of these relationships have on you emotionally, professionally or spiritually.

I think short-term dating is another trend. When it comes to long-term relationships like marriage, you are more than just people who date, you’re life partners. I think obviously, everybody that you date you probably aren’t going to marry, yet at the same time, I think there’s some danger to being shortsighted in your dating.

There’s not really a blueprint in our society right now for how to date without creating potentially unhealthy emotional attachments. What does that practically look like? And how do you know if you’ve found the one?

Use dating for data. I think when we look at the average dating experience, I don’t know how much data people are gathering. Dating shouldn’t feel like an interview or interrogation, but upon the initial stages of conversation, if people were more intentional about getting some data, then they would be able to make a more informed decision about whether or not they feel emotionally safe with that person.

I do think sometimes discernment comes through experimentation. It takes knowing what’s not the one to have a clear picture of who the one actually is. But here are three things that I think are really important: Is it healthy? Is it helpful? And is it holy? By that I mean does the quality of my life improve or does it get worse as a result of this relationship? Other than that, I don’t know. It gets tricky. 

Is there such a thing as two people who are right for each other in every way, but either their career or passion in life makes the relationship “not meant to be”?

I think everyone has to be clear on what are “my non-negotiables” and what are “my preferences.” Because I don’t think any two people are going to align in every way. Especially in the context of marriage, nothing would be sanctifying about it if that was the case. Marriage forces you to grow in a way that’s unique. Part of the growth comes from these differences and these tension points and you having to lay down some preferences and make adjustments and consider someone else before you consider yourself.

So I don’t think you align in every way, yet at the same time, I do think that there have to be some areas where there is alignment. I think to some degree a person has to sort through and ask themselves, “Do these two or three areas weigh more or matter more to me than the 12 areas where I feel like we’re in harmony?” 

You’ve said before that you believe in breakups. Speaking for myself, I was raised with a fear of breaking up and I never got very good at breaking up with people. From your personal experience, when it’s time to break up, is there a better way to go about that? 

One of the reasons I said I believe in breakups is I broke up with somebody in college that I thought I was going to be in a long-term relationship with. But months after that breakup, I met my wife. [There are] necessary endings sometimes. I didn’t know I was going to meet my wife. 

Sometimes breakups aren’t really you doing anything; sometimes breakups are acknowledging that the relationship is broken. It’s two people facing the facts that this isn’t what we thought it was and it’s not going to be what we thought it was going to be. I feel like they are necessary from time to time. 

I think the way we should go about doing it should really line up with the golden rule. The idea of doing unto others what I would have them do unto me. If someone’s going to end the relationship with me, I would think through how would I want that done? I feel like it’s important to try to do your best to deliver it in that way, because if you’re breaking up, you want to see yourself as releasing them and you into God’s next for you both. And you want to do it in a way where you minimize the trauma.

When I use that word trauma, pain, anything like that that could create bitterness or resentment or lower self-esteem, I think if a person has ever been on the other end of a breakup, it does cause some self-reflection. There are cases where someone’s done something wrong and you want to separate the behavior from the person in those kind of cases, but on the flip side, there are times where it’s just not working. You can minimize the trauma by not necessarily making the breakup seem as if this is happening because you’re inferior in some way, or you are not enough in some way, as opposed to this simply wasn’t meant to be. I do think that we’ve got a responsibility, even if we aren’t successful at it, to be conscious of how you do it because it is going to have an impact on someone else.

What would you say to somebody who has been the one who was dumped and is experiencing self-doubt and loneliness from the breakup?

First, most people have been dumped, even those that wanted it. But I think sometimes the pain is exacerbated because you feel unique, like you’re the only one. And secondly, I really believe that sometimes when there’s a breakup, the issue is not your value. Sometimes the issue is someone else’s values, but there’s nothing wrong with your value. There are also instances where it’s not an issue of value and values, it’s an issue of this simply isn’t meant to be. But I don’t think you should keep revisiting things you can’t revise.

A while back on the news, I listened to reporters praise a teenager for asking his Sports Illustrated supermodel crush (who was probably his mom’s age) to come with him to prom. How brave and courageous of him, they said. What an honorable thing to do in stepping out of his comfort zone and taking risks to engage his fantasies, they said.

To top it off, just last week I noticed the room of one of my friends’ teenage children plastered with posters of dreamy celebrities and attractive musicians staring at her each night as she dozed off to sleep.

It’s amazing how fixated we are on fantasy. So much so, that it’s almost become the norm.

We live in a society in which I’ve actually heard people claim they have literally fallen “in love” with celebrities, movie stars, porn stars and supermodels. But the problem is that they are falling in love from a distance.

There is something safe about keeping people at a distance. There is something appealing about the unknown that makes it attractive; something about the invisible that is seductive. Whether it’s the supermodel on the cover of a magazine or that guy at work who you’ve never actually talked to.

Somehow, keeping people at a distance makes us want them even more.

Because keeping people at a distance is never messy. Loving them from far away is never hard. It isn’t mixed with the reality of pain, vulnerability and selflessness; nor does it know the sacrifices of forgiveness and grace. But to really love, as C.S. Lewis says, is to be vulnerable.

So many men and women today are falling in love with a dream; falling in love with someone or something that doesn’t really exist, by taking the character of someone they don’t really know and adding the story that they find themselves living in the world of fantasy falling in love with a dream, falling in love with an idea, but ultimately falling in love with a lie.

And this isn’t just about crushing on Hollywood celebs, because fantasy can permeate so many other parts of our life.

Men and women are imprisoned within the confines of a dream whether its pornography, affairs, toxic relationships or anything else. You’ll find people stuck in a life they make up with people who don’t exist or don’t know them personally.

Fantasies in action

We’ve succumbed to a life fueled by fantasy rather than by reality.

The married man who glances at the beautiful office secretary, mentally engaging in a relationship with her, forgetting her flaws, neglecting her deficits.

The single woman, analyzing and obsessing over a man she’s hardly talked to imagining what life could be if and when—only to have her heart broken by his lack of interest.

The housewife, trapped in the fantasy and excitement of her romance novels, leaving her own reality behind instead of dealing with it.

The young woman stuck in an abusive marriage, making excuses and living for the dream of who he could be rather than acknowledging who he actually is and taking steps toward safety.

The lonely young man, spending hours every evening trapped by the pornographic images on his computer screen, growing numb to the beauty of the real woman—and of real life.

There is something provocative about living in a dream, but there is something even more paralyzing about it.

When we live in a dream, we lose sight of what’s real. We exchange our realities for something that can never actually exist. We live for what could be, and end up missing what really is. And in the end we are led into disappointment, disillusionment and destruction.

We set ourselves up for failure by seeking to find this thing that doesn’t actually exist, setting expectations that cannot be met by ourselves, much less anyone else.

When we live in a dream, we stop really living.

Though they might not be as easy as Hollywood romance, real life and real relationships are well worth the investment. With the help of God’s grace, forgiveness and selflessness they can flourish into far greater than a simple dream because they can become your glorious reality.

Close your eyes to the temptation of fantasy, and instead open your eyes to the reality of life here and now.

And if reality isn’t what you’d hoped for it to be, then make a change. Challenge yourself to learn and to grow; to forgive and mature. Deal with things in your past, face the things in your present and become the person you want to be. Don’t live a passive life, but instead create a reality you can be proud of.

Because only then are you able to truly live.

This article was originally posted at truelovedates.com.

We asked the Internet to give us the worst, most cringe-worthy Christian excuses they’d ever heard for a break-up. The answers did not disappoint. You can check out the full list of cringed responses here, but we’ve included a few of our favorites below.

10. Was IM really the best option?

9. Then again, IM is better than this.

8. Of all the Biblical characters to be compared to…

7. Some of God’s ways are more mysterious than others.

6. The toughest one to bounce back from. Absolutely brutal.

5. Someone else in their life? Are they aware of this?

4. We’re simply too stunned to speak!

3. Crazy how God always seems to speak to only one person in the relationship.

2. Not the yokes …not the yokes.

1. At least this time they didn’t blame it on God?

Maybe not a terrible first date? I thought. It’s a bit intense but fair enough.

Charlie accepted and seemed to have a good time. The day after their wedding date – I mean, date-at-a-wedding – the woman appeared on a front porch with a wrapped present for Charlie.

Isn’t that sweet?

He opened it to find a framed picture of them at the wedding. Awkward!

Don’t couples wait to give printed photos of themselves until they are an actual couple? Where would you even place a photo of you and the gal from the first date? On the mantle above the fireplace? On your desk at work? In a box in the attic?

While your dating life may not include that kind of extreme experience, I’ll bet you’ve got your own awkward dating stories. But if we’re being honest, all dating is awkward – inside and outside the church. Here’s the key: dating is awkward, but it doesn’t have to be weird.

What’s the difference? Something (or someone) is awkward when it’s uncertain, ineffective, or precarious. We primarily use the word awkward to mean uncomfortable and clumsy. Picture a newborn giraffe attempting to stand – that’s awkward. Her legs are weak and shaky. She’s unstable. For many newborn animals, this is a normal process. Similarly, when we lack skills or try something new – like dancing or playing the guitar – it’s awkward. I stepped on more than one woman’s toes while learning East Coast Swing Dancing – klutzy to be sure, but par for the course. Weird, on the other hand, is bizarre. If that same awkward-but-adorable giraffe was born with six legs and pink and purple spots, then it’s weird. A creature like that would be completely irregular. Awkward is normal; weird is abnormal. 

Imagine dating a guy or gal, breaking up, and then ending up at the same small group. It would certainly feel awkward, but it’s also completely normal. Weird is when your ex shows up to the same meeting wearing a Halloween costume so you won’t recognize him or her. See the difference? 

The bottom line is that awkwardness is inevitable, but weirdness is optional. Christian dating at its best means accepting the awkwardness but minimizing the weirdness. 

On the other hand, somehow some followers of Jesus can elevate the natural awkwardness of dating to a new level and make it weird. Have you heard a Christian use any of these expressions?

• “God told me we were going to get married.”
• “God told me to break up with you.”
• “The Holy Spirit didn’t give me peace about you.”
• “I had a dream about you and it was from the Lord.”
• “God gave me this Bible verse for us.”

Although spiritual assertions like these might be sincere, mediating quotes from heaven is often incredibly confusing when it pertains to dating. Even worse, they can come across as spiritual manipulation. Dating is already an imperfect process, but adding superfluous religious lingo turns it into an enigmatic one. Our faith in Christ should make relationships easier not harder, right?

One guy abruptly approached a woman I know and claimed, “God told me that you would be my wife.” She was surprised, but told him she would pray about it. Days later, she returned and responded by saying that the Lord wasn’t speaking to her in the same way about him. He became upset, left in a huff, and accused her of not hearing God correctly. It ruined their relationship.

There is no one right way to choose a spouse, but there are many wrong ones. Touting that “God spoke to me” then getting angry that the other person doesn’t see it the same way is a wrong one. This man’s immature rebuttal only proved that he wasn’t ready to be with her anyway, because mature Christians are honest, open, and humble when they make mistakes. Maybe he could have won her heart by honoring her no, backing off, and humbly accepting her answer. If he felt the same way a few months later, he could have contacted her again and been direct: “I know you said you weren’t interested, and I’m sorry for how I acted. I really like you. I think we’d be great together. Has anything changed with you since we talked before? Or do you still see us only as friends?” No fluff, no room for ambiguity. If she said no a second time, then he could drop it altogether.

I’m not here to thwart how God wants to speak into your dating life, but I’d recommend waiting to share anything related to “God told me about you” until later in the relationship. You might scare off a viable mate. If you insist on staying prophetic, be open to being wrong, and immediately follow up you assertion with questions like, “What do you think?,” “How do you see it?,” and “Would you mind praying about this?” By showing humility, you’ll not only protect your reputation but honor your beloved’s ability to hear God’s voice.

It’s easy to outrun reality when we want something (or someone) so badly. In romance, feelings can cause fuzziness in our spiritual antennas. The combination of sexual attraction, excitement, and fear often jumble the signal. Understanding how God is communicating to you in romance is indispensable, but tread lightly and give it time. And apply His revelations to how He wants to guide your decision process, not someone else’s, in dating. If you question how God is speaking to you and prompting you to act, ask others. 

Of course, I’d be ecstatic to receive a booming voice from heaven on whom to marry. The truth is, visions, dreams, or spiritual liver-quivers aren’t needed to kick-start a godly relationship, and the lack of a sign from heaven doesn’t need to keep you from exploring a relationship with another Christian. Some believers are willing to let their lives pass them by as they needlessly wait for a sign on whom to ask out on a date. Stay open to the more mundane ways God might want to bring you and your future spouse together. Whether meeting in college, through a club, at church, through friends, or on the internet – every way God brings people together is holy. 

But just because God can write the name of your spouse across the sky, He probably won’t. He regularly allows unexpected twists and turns in relationships to grow you to be more like Him. The process of what you learn in dating is as important as the outcome. For example, being open, vulnerable, and sharing your feelings when you’re interested in someone is awkward, but, at the same time, a necessary stepping-stone to Christlikeness and emotional maturity. Furthermore, the normal ups and downs of dating allow you to grow in courage, display wisdom, and learn to hear His voice in a way that a one-off divine intervention wouldn’t. 

Thank goodness God still works in the midst of our dating blunders. Remember my friend Charlie who received the picture frame after the first date? That eyebrow-raising gift didn’t stop him. He asked her for another date, and they were married a year later. Go, awkward dating!

Adapted from How Should a Christian Date?: It’s Not as Complicated as You Think by Eric Demeter (© 2021). Published by Moody Publishers. Used by permission. 

Gen Z — emerging adults and adolescents born between the years 1997 and 2012 — is the first generation to grow up surrounded by smart devices. You Gen Z’ers use social media around four hours a day and realize it’s bad for you. You’re also at risk for mental illness — though of course, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of that.

And if you’re one of these young digital natives struggling to attain mental health and choose to turn to the internet for help, you will find apparently endless resources offering you conflicting and possibly unhelpful information. You will encounter page after page of possible diagnoses, complemented by hundreds of internet personalities trying to sell you a solution to the problem you think you might have.

In fact, there are strong links between precisely this relentless froth of information and mental illness itself.

Smartphone saturation and heavy social media use have diminished attention spans, increased body dysmorphia and depression, weakened in-person social skills and blurred the boundaries of our identities. Smartphones even disrupt our sleep. And all of us, without regard to age, are bombarded with news around the clock — much of it bad!

The same place many of you would seek answers is the very place where you could be the most deeply harmed. It can be discouraging and lonesome to try and heal alone, adrift in a sea of meaningless and contradictory digital noise.

In addition, mental health, just like mental illness, is a complicated and deeply personal phenomenon. None of the labels the internet might offer you can adequately describe any person’s mental illness or help people attain mental health without the relationships, stability, professional insight, and emotional integration humans need to truly flourish — particularly during adversity.

And your generational cohort has a lot to contend with at the moment.

You’re facing one of the most important transitions of your life, from childhood to adulthood. But you’re navigating it while burdened with more digital access than your still-developing brain could effectively handle. It’s natural to become anxious, lonely, depressed. Maladaptive coping behaviors often emerge.

Don’t blame yourself. You’re stuck trying to survive when you should be learning to thrive. Healthy, mentor-like relationships can help.

A recent Young Life study underscored the felt urgency of this need: Gen Z as a whole still values close relationships and face-to-face interactions above digitally centric ones. You’re digital natives, certainly, but you are still human. You need and want guidance, love, and security every bit as much or more than you did as children. Sometimes other generations need to be reminded of this, though I doubt you do.

After all, we humans need, and have always needed, healthy relationships to help us discover and understand ourselves. Gen Z is no exception — and the internet is no surrogate for community. The internet offers complexity and diversity where simplicity would serve us much better, at least to start.

Take the gendered differences we can observe in the expression of mental illness as an example. Men and boys tend to struggle with mental illness with externalizing types of behavior: Anger, aggression, and the like. Women and girls, on the other hand, tend to struggle with mental illness with more internalization; they withdraw, and become anxious and overly scrupulous.

But scrolling through even hundreds of articles on the internet can’t really help you dissect your mental health. The articles and research we often read as a form of diagnostic care don’t even account for things as simple as effective stress relief, let alone as complex as family dynamics, trauma, community stability, and innate talent or predisposition. So we can’t start with the internet when we want to heal.

We have to start by reaching out to those nearest and most important to us. We need to reflect on ourselves, as we are right here and now. More specifically, we can cultivate the trust, transparency, time, and talent we may or may not already have in our lives.

Cultivate authentic relationships with older mentors. Foster openness and genuine concern, in yourself and in your most important relationships. Allow yourself to trust people who are worthy of it.

Commit to transparent communication. Share your life experiences — both triumphs and challenges — no matter how difficult it might seem at first. Through transparency, you will develop both a richer community and greater self-awareness.

Invest your time in things that will nourish and support you. Don’t let distractions steal your days. Deliberately spend time with people and things that uplift, guide, and improve your heart and mind. Defend this time fiercely, no matter how easy it might seem to give it up in favor of work or distraction.

Learn how to accept yourself — particularly your talents. Learn to acknowledge, value, and nurture your unique talents and gifts. Seek out and rely on mentors who will provide opportunities for growth, development, and realization of your capabilities.

These four elements of trust, time, transparency, and talent will look completely different from one person to another. We’ve been made marvelously and each of us placed in different circumstances, with different adversities and advantages to contend with.

That’s why there are as many ways to find mental wholeness and healing as there are people. God made us unique, and He delights in our differences. He calls each of us to an unrepeatable journey of suffering, healing, grief, and joy.

Life is uncertain. You can feel uncertain about how God will show up. But you can be certain He always will.

Find the well-being and health He made you for through purposeful relationships and mentorship rooted in Christ.

Dr. Julie Yonker is a psychology professor and the public health program director at Calvin University in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

It’s a question that’s been uttered many, many times before—and yet for me, right then, they seemed the most daring words on earth for me to speak.

The pause permeated the entire park and pounded in my heart. My knees were on the ground, and my heart was in her hand. I held the ring, looked into her eyes and felt the weight of the moment while I waited for her answer.

As soon as she said yes, everything changed. One kind of waiting was over and another kind would begin. The clock started winding down: four months and 19 days is 3,408 hours, and that was all the time we would have to pass until our wedding day.

By definition, engagement is essentially a holding pattern. The beautifully maddening in-between. It’s a season of preparing and waiting. But in a sense, it’s also a season of being stuck behind the starting line. You’re told to “enjoy the moment,” but you also have to “get busy” and race to get everything done before the big day.

The moment you get engaged, everyone wants to give you marriage advice—some you should take and some you can safely leave behind. But rarely do people offer engagement advice, perhaps because they assume you’ll move through it quickly enough.

Yet between the stress of wedding planning and our impatience to enter the next stage of life with our beloved, is there more to engagement than we give it credit for? Is this time a necessary stopover to the next season of life, or is it a season in its own right, filled with unique lessons and experiences?

I would argue for the latter. Here’s a few ways to make the most of your engagement, from one engaged man to anyone else who’s ever wondered.

1. See your wedding for what it is.

Yes, your wedding is “your day”—but it’s also far more than that. It is a day that God created to bring Him glory, just like any other day. He is the only reason you have the ability to enter into this amazing relationship, and the fact that He has brought the two of you together is a great reason to throw a party. So celebrate! And don’t stress over the details.

2. Don’t let the wedding planning replace dating.

Of course, the logistics of hosting 100 people or so for dinner requires some planning. But here’s the bottom line: Don’t stop dating during the planning. Dudes, step up and help her plan the wedding. Ladies, respect the fact that he wants to marry you and not just have a wedding with you. Don’t turn all your conversations into planning the wedding.

3. Start practicing faithfulness now.

Waiting and saving your sexual purity for marriage is hard. But you’re almost there—press on a little while longer. If you need to, pray and confess your mistakes and know that, with Christ’s forgiveness, the past is over and done. Don’t drop out of the marathon now because you know you are going to marry this person. Your word and commitment matters—just as much now as it will after you’re married.

4. Reset your personal goals.

Sometimes it’s best to plan ahead, before you are living in your new reality. And the truth is, marriage changes everything. It will, in some way, change your life goals. Take an evening to refocus on some of your personal goals and what it would look like to write your future spouse into them. How does marriage change where you want to be in the next five, 10, 15 years? Then add their goals to your list. How do they work together? Talk through together what you both aspire to and how you can help each other reach your goals, both individual and shared.

5. Make time for friend time.

After the altar, your first commitment becomes your spouse. This is a beautiful gift of companionship that you can give each other; however, it affects your other relationships. So use the time of your engagement to value time with your friends more than you ever have. Also, try to understand that your friends aren’t as giddy as you are about this special day. Ask them about what’s going on in their lives, which are not consumed with what kind of cake everyone will be eating three months from now.

6. Pray and fast.

When was the last time you did anything as important as pledging yourself to another person for life? And when was the last time you set aside a time of prayer and fasting? Pick a day and mark your calendar to do just this as you approach your wedding. Marriage is likely one of the biggest decision you will ever make. Let yourself feel the weight of it, and respond by crying out to God for His mercy and strength as you start your lives together.

7. Reframe your expectations.

“Expectations” is a word thrown around a lot when it comes to preparing for marriage. And perhaps the biggest expectation we all need to adjust is this: Marriage is not the answer to all of your problems. It will not be enough to fill you up forever. He’s a great guy, and she’s an amazing girl, but neither will be enough. God must reign over you both. So start practicing this truth by giving each other a break and giving Jesus the reigning role in your life of making you whole.

It’s easy to float through this stage of the marital rite without acknowledging the value of the specific lessons that could be learned during this time. But your engagement can be so much more. Use this time to practice the truth that marriage is not about a 50/50 split but about going all in. Use this time to learn to love each other well and to love Jesus more—because this will never be time poorly spent.

But enough with the bad news. What about the good?

Even if failed relationships are all you’ve had to this point, here is a helpful perspective: You can’t change your past, but you can change direction now.

Whether you are in a relationship now or hoping for better in your future, here are five positive signs your relationship could go the distance.

Sign 1: You are both physically attracted and spiritually compatible.

While looks and physical chemistry aren’t enough to sustain a romantic relationship, those things do matter. Physical attraction is a real consideration, and if you’re not attracted to a person, by all means move on. Some Christians have a very odd tendency to disregard physical attraction as long as the other person loves Jesus. But this is romance, not a Bible quiz.

More Christians are on the opposite end of that spectrum, however, meaning they overlook a person’s walk, or lack thereof, with God as a deciding factor on whether or not they should date them. The truth is, whether or not both parties love Jesus should be an absolute deal breaker.

In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul actually makes a concession concerning divorce for believers left by an unbelieving spouse, saying to let them leave. “For you, wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Or you, husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?”

That, among many other scriptures, should bring real clarity as to whether or not a Christian should ever embark on a romantic relationship assuming that faith in or serious commitment to Jesus will come later.

Sign 2: You have real conversations about things that matter most.

Simply put, we date people because of how they make us feel, but we break up with them because of who they are. We come to recognize some fundamental incompatibility we have with them that we did not see until we were deeply involved.

People in good dating relationships explore matters that will vitally support or disintegrate the relationship long term. When you talk about your ideas of family and how you envision the roles of a career or ministry in your life, do you share a great degree of common understanding? If so, be very encouraged.

Sign 3: People you care about approve of the relationship.

While not everyone’s opinion deserves influence in our lives, we must also acknowledge the importance of counsel from wise friends and family. When a trustworthy person asks tough questions about our romance, it may be for good reason. If we are the only ones who see great things in someone we are dating, our vision may very well be impaired.

Pleasantly contrary to objections, however, is the shared excitement and support we experience when those who know us best and love us most feel we have found someone truly compatible. I can remember when I was dating my wife, Christal, my best friend told me bluntly, “If you don’t marry her, you’re stupid.”

What welcome words those were. I received similar affirmations from my father. These were good signs I paid attention to—and their reservations, though difficult to hear, should have been heeded in my rocky romantic past.

Sign 4: Your emotions are well-founded rather than foundational.

Extreme excitement is a component of most every romantic relationship—whether it last days or years. Because of that, we should admit to ourselves that intensity of feeling isn’t necessarily an indicator of lasting love. But for someone in a healthy relationship built on character, shared faith, and common life direction, such excitement is should be embraced and enjoyed.

After all, love and marriage are about more than emotion, but they shouldn’t be without emotion.

In Song of Solomon 1:2, a young woman extols not just the attractiveness of her love, but his very character and reputation: “Your name is like perfume poured out.” In other words, she is head-over-heels not just about how he looks, but who he is. If your romantic interest lost their looks today, would you be left with someone you had reason to adore?

Sign 5: You’re both have a commitment to Biblical values.

That sexual purity is difficult to maintain is undeniable. The more you love or are attracted to someone, the more you want to have sex with them.

Is it difficult? Yes! But it’s not like defying gravity, as long as you have a shared a commitment to honoring God. If you are a Christian in a serious relationship looking for strength or needing to do an about-face concerning sexual purity, know that your best-laid plans must be mutual.

And remember, if one or both of you has messed up in the past, that doesn’t define you and it doesn’t condemn you. The important thing isn’t where you’ve come from, but it’s your mutual commitment to each other now.

In our culture where marriages are not arranged, we can’t take the risk out of dating. I wouldn’t have it any other way; I love and still adore the woman I freely asked to spend the rest of her life with me.

Just as there were early signs that my past broken relationships were headed for disaster, so I can also see that these five signs were accurate indication of what would become a satisfying marriage.

Jeff (not his actual name for anonymity sake) thought he and his wife were going to do great things in Hollywood, impacting the industry with hope and life. Rather, what resulted was a floundering marriage, a distance that would come between them, and an eventual divorce that left their family shattered. 

The trust they once held for one another was compromised by poor decisions made, as his now ex-wife became addicted to the lifestyle of fame and celebrity. Compromises of relational integrity always have repercussions. Jeff was left heartbroken and devastated in the midst of the separation, fearful of a life alone. How could he ever trust anyone again when his soul mate could leave him behind in the search of applause?

We have all suffered fractured relationships, whether it be romantic, platonic or familial. Everyone has lied to someone else—including me. I’ve lied and left promises undelivered far too many times than I care to admit. No one is immune to the fallen nature that leans towards falsehood over truth, hiding in the shadows rather than coming clean. It’s often that we look in the mirror and realize that we’ve even lied to ourselves in the effort to justify choices we’ve made that have derailed our life trajectory. Everyone is guilty—some more than others, of course, but all the same. Just as dishonesty and duplicity brought a distance between my friend and his ex-wife, so can it be with any relationship we form in this life.

One of the hardest things for me is to truly trust people on a deeply personal level. I’ll trust my family and closest friends, but it’s incredibly hard for me to take anyone else’s word seriously in a world where I’ve experienced far more broken promises than those that were fulfilled. Call it being jaded or being realistic, but I think we all know what I’m talking about. Every single one of us has suffered at the hands of empty words and fake relationships, with those “friends” eventually leaving us feeling used and hollow.

This is blasé and depressing; sorry to be a downer. And yet, the beauty of relationships is that God calls us to be gracious towards one another, forgiving the letdowns and the unmet promises. We will all let one another down at different times in this life, but grace is a gift we are all given that can be re-gifted to others. We aren’t called to be isolated, but rather to live in community with others that is filled with grace, love and compassion.

Even with grace being a redemptive factor in our human relationships, the soul craves more—something deeper that we can always count on to deliver. We want something solid—someone who won’t fail us. This is where, as a follower of Jesus, I find God to be absolutely captivating and enigmatic. In the Scriptures, we are taught that even in a world where we will be betrayed, lied to, and hurt by those we love, there is someone above it all who is not trapped in our fallen nature. One specific passage reminds me of the trustworthiness of God: “God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” (Numbers 23:19, NIV).

I love how the Scriptures remind us of the binary contradiction between God and humanity. “God is not human, that he should lie.” Basically, it might as well read, “Humans are a bunch of liars.” 

Let’s get brutally honest with ourselves: humanity is incredibly inconsistent. Despite our tendency to screw everything up, God is outside the human condition. How incredible it is to know that, even when the entire world seems to be filled with fakers and frauds, we can trust God to be the same as He was yesterday, a year ago, and 5 billion years prior. 

When someone you loved deeply lied to you and didn’t follow-through on a promise they made, how did that feel? The pain is often quite shattering, especially when it comes from someone with whom we’ve shared transparency and vulnerability. On the flip-side, we’ve likely betrayed them at some point in time, as well. The call to us in our human relationships is grace—the gift that says, “I love you deeply and I choose to trust you, despite the past.” The great news is that, with God, we don’t have to question whether or not He will keep His word. He is not human.

Jesus is the greatest reminder that God is not a liar. The promise of the Messiah was fulfilled in the coming of Christ, reminding us that God is with us, not far away. The name Emmanuel means just that: “God with us”. Jesus is one of many ways God has said, “I’m not human, that I should lie.” He is not one to back down from His promises, nor will He leave us in the dark. 

If you feel wounded at the hands of unkept promises and broken relationships, Jesus is there with you in the brokenness. He’s with you in the heartache and the pain. Nothing is beyond His grace, including you. We can trust Him, even when the whole world fails us.

Forgive those who have lied to you. Love them. Some may not be healthy relationships to restore and that is perfectly fine. In fact, it’s healthy to leave some relationships behind that are toxic and destructive. We can forgive without inviting everyone back into relationship with us. We are able to give grace to those who have hurt us without placing ourselves back in harm’s way. 

God is trustworthy.

Jesus is the embodiment of God’s promises fulfilled.

In the diction of Master Yoda, “Human, God is not.”

Maybe regretful, ashamed, dirty, totally undeserving of an honorable man’s affections.

Sure.

But definitely not pure.

Here’s a little backstory: I had made many commitments to make drastic changes to my life before this day, but those empty words often resulted in nothing. I continued living my life the only way that I knew how.

I jumped from relationship to relationship because I was insecure and dependent. If I even felt that a relationship was on the rocks, I would make sure I had someone else waiting in the background. Sad, right? My heart was a torn-up piece of cloth and I kept trying to patch it with the wrong things.

There was one specific day when I found out that my on-and-off again boyfriend of three years was dating someone new. I had given everything to him and that physical and emotional connection meant double the heartbreak. It crushed me. My mind ran wild and my heart physically hurt for months.

But instead of healing in a healthy way, I decided to heal my broken heart by seeking more attention. I drank a lot and made bad decisions. I forced myself to date people who were never a good fit in the first place, because “I just wanted to be happy.”

However, it made me feel the exact opposite. I often went home crying, depressed and broken after a night out. I asked myself: “Why do I keep going back to this lifestyle if it makes me so unhappy?” I couldn’t answer that. And yet, I still ensured that I had someone on speed dial to keep me company, just in case the feeling of brokenness began creeping back up on me. And it always did. It always does, doesn’t it? I was a wretched mess who couldn’t stand on my own two feet without fake love and empty affection.

But God.

I gave my life to Jesus when I was 19. I have loved Him and failed Him ever since that day, but He still loves me endlessly. If I’m honest, my surrender to Him was initially more of a moment of “nothing else is working, so I might as well try this.” But God is good and gave grace despite my selfishness. And after I surrendered it all to Him – the filth, the despair, the loneliness—knew something was about to be different.

My desires were different. God was changing my present. And little did I know, He was drastically changing my future the moment that He led me to buy that ring.

I knew something new was coming. I was so ready and excited to destroy the life that made me feel undeserving and shameful and turn it into a distant memory.

After I purchased the ring that day, I got into my car and I shut the door. As soon as I placed it on my finger, I began to cry. I broke down into an overwhelming sob which led to a full-on ugly cry. I couldn’t have even prepared myself for the beautiful emotions I felt or the thoughts that ran through my mind.

I kept hearing this verse: “If anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. Old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

And in that moment, I felt a lot of things. But more than anything, I felt free.

Free from the obligation to be someone I never really wanted to be.

Free from allowing myself to feel used, just because I was lonely.

Free from permitting someone who called only when he “felt like it” to define every ounce of my worth.

Free from seeking attention and praise for my looks or my body.

Free from the desire to give myself up to anyone, especially who wouldn’t walk a mile for me—let alone 500.

I was free from the life that was so far from what was intended for me.

And that life is also so, so far from what is intended for you.

You are more than your mistakes. You are loved, precious and worthy. Whatever it is that you are dependent on or in bondage to, God is offering you a fresh start.

You may be married now and bear the burden of guilt for your past decisions. Or you are in the midst of living out these mistakes today, seeking a way out without any direction. Either way: You are loved. You may not have deserved a second chance, but you are offered one. And today you have the choice to choose Him—over yourself—and begin afresh.

I’ve been married to my husband, Jesse, for five years now. He and I fought really hard to remain pure until we were finally married. And it was so worth it. Some people mocked it, but I didn’t mind. I was secure in the belief that God created intimacy for my husband and him alone. I was content in waiting (even when it got really stinking hard).

Jesse loved God enough, and loved me enough, actively to show me that his priority was my heart and not my body. I had never been offered that kind of respect before. I had never even tried to earn it.

The closeness in our relationship was unmatched because we spent time talking and learning about one another rather than leaning on intimacy as a crutch.

He displayed an unconditional love for me that I had never once received in my life. He made me feel really, truly loved. He would have walked 500 miles for me without a second thought. And he made me feel like I was worth waiting for.

My story was no longer one of shame, but one of redemption. It’s a story of ashes to beauty because of forgiveness and love.

It’s never too late to start over. God moves in us. God heals us day after day from the brokenness we cause for ourselves. He fills our lives with a fullness that we can’t even fathom without Him. And He loves you enough to set you on a new path.

Lindsey Maestas lives in Albuquerque. She writes for the faith-based lifestyle blog, Sparrows and Lily.

First, you need to know a few bottom-line truths:

1. Attraction is important, and you should be physically attracted to someone you’re in a relationship with. (This will help in the event of marriage and sex and such.)

2. Your guilt over this is real (and I get it), but you need to know you haven’t done a single thing wrong.

3. There is no right answer to your question. In fact, I’m going to be typing out of both sides of my mouth for this entire article. Hooray!

Let’s dig in.

Physical Attraction is More Than Meets the Eye

The moment we see someone, we make a snap judgement on his or her looks.

This is not to say that we are judgmental in the Christianese sense of the word (though we might be, and we should check that at the door). Rather, our brains determine — via some impressive synapsing — if someone is procreation-worthy. It’s primal, really.

For now, though, just realize that we’re all cave-people trying to find someone to watch Netflix with. And we know in an instant if we want to be snuggled up with a person on a cave rock — or not.

Now listen, your initial negative reaction, paired with many subsequent reactions, has given you pause — and that’s OK. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s the human condition to be attracted to some and not to others.

However, to think this initial reaction is all that determines someone’s attractiveness (in your eyes) is giving your brain and its Creator too little credit.

Attraction Can Be Won or Lost

There are times — many of them, in fact — when an initial reaction is different than subsequent reactions. In other words: things change.

You know this, don’t you? Of course you do. Let’s say, by way of example, that you meet a gentleman who strikes you as dashing. I mean, he’s got it all, “A body like Arnold with a Denzel face.”

Now, let’s say this man begins talking to you and he’s just, to use the King James, a complete jerk. I mean really, he’s talking about how much he hates Mother Teresa and thinks all puppies are ugly creatures. Would you still be into this chap? Would you look at him and still be flushed at the sight of his beauty? Probably not, because his heart revealed his true appearance.

Conversely, there are times when the initial attraction isn’t strong, but getting to know the person makes him or her somehow look better. It happens all the time, and it’s the basis of zillions of rom-coms, where the underdog gets the girl.

While those movies are exaggerated, there’s a modicum of truth there. A person can become more attractive as you get to know his inner beauty. Additionally, when you deeply love someone, attraction is superseded by a mystical connection, which makes beauty impossible to judge or understate.

But I fear I’ve gotten ahead of myself…

What Do You Do?

1. Settle down.

And if you read that as stern, please don’t. I wasn’t channeling Dr. Phil as much as I was Mr. Rogers, neighbor.

I want you to feel and know that this is not a “decision” or something you have to talk yourself into or out of. In fact, the only thing you should do is sit back, pray, pursue a friendship and see what happens. I assure you, there is no rush here. If it’s right, you won’t miss it.

2. Be careful with your friend.

Because while I don’t know him, if he checks off the other boxes, he’s probably a lovely guy who may already be interested in you. So be very gentle with how close you get.

As I’ve written before, I think there’s a limit to how friendly you can be without getting into murky waters.

3. Please don’t believe the lie that you’re going to miss the only person you could ever be happy with.

The truth is, there are endless people in the world with whom you could have a wonderful relationship. There is no “the one.” However, God knows the full arc of time. He makes marriages happen, and He has this situation under control. Your job isn’t to talk yourself into anything, it’s to let God move you and show you your next steps.

In closing (and speaking of God), attraction is a beautiful and multifaceted gift that was bestowed upon us by the Creator. You deserve to be attracted to your mate. If you know him well, and you’ve given this some time and prayer, it’s OK to not date him. God’s got you, and God’s got him also. Trust that, and remove this burden from your heart.

I was shocked, to say the least. She and I met in a small group three years ago. She has been involved in our church for even longer than that. How could she be interested in dating a guy who didn’t go to church?

I pushed back on her, and she finally answered me. She was tired of waiting around for the single guys at my church to ask her out. So, when a guy on an app showed an interest in her, she felt relief.

It was tough to hear, but I understood where she was coming from. We have numerous solid, Christian guy friends who are hesitant about the idea of casual dating, to the point where they won’t even give a girl a chance over coffee. After years of waiting around for one of them to take a small step of faith, I can see why she’d be interested in someone who doesn’t see one date with her as a massive undertaking.

Ever since our conversation, I’ve been trying to figure out why so many great Christian single men are hesitant to dip their toe in the dating pool. After consulting my guy friends, I’ve realized there’s a pretty big Christian culture problem we need to address.

Somewhere in the formative and oh-so-tacky ’80s and ’90s, a message spread through Christian bookstores (R.I.P.), pulpits, youth groups, and all the nooks and crannies of God-fearing culture. This message was that casual dating is not good, women’s hearts must be guarded by men, and all romantic relationships better have marriage in mind—or the people in them are just using each other.

Yet while all these concepts have elements of wisdom embedded in them, they’ve been distorted just like so many good ideas before them (i.e. keeping the Sabbath). The truth is, we’re a people who, when left unchecked, go into Pharisee mode like it’s our job. And we’ve done this with Christian dating. Let’s walk through the three messages:

Message: Casual dating is not good.
Reality: Casual dating to get to know someone is good—and necessary—if you’re ever going to, you know, move past your mom. The fear is that casual dating means casual sex, casual deep intimacy or casual love—which are all by nature not casual. But if we assume that a good man and a good woman understand those boundaries, why would getting coffee and learning more about the other person not be healthy, enjoyable and within any reasonable scope of OK?

Message: Women’s hearts must be guarded.
Reality: In case you need a reminder, women can guard their own hearts, make their own decisions, and suffer the highs and lows of emotional intimacy, despite what some people may have told you. The truth is, being a guardian of a heart is God’s job. A man’s job is to honor God, be respectful to her, and be brutally honest about when your feelings are casual and when they’re not.

Message: Romantic relationships should be walking toward marriage.
Reality: Yes, maybe it’s a good idea to have a distant goal in mind that possibly, in the future, you could marry a person. But notice, I intentionally said “a person,” not “this person” who you’re sitting across a table from, because knowing that you are moderately amenable to walking down that road means you’re probably in a good spot to date casually, honestly and respectfully.

But seriously, the amount of pressure that sizing up a newbie for marriage puts on a casual coffee date, not to mention the fact that you KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE PERSON does two things: 1. It paralyzes an organic and healthy period of “getting to know someone” and 2. It forces a depth of commitment that is best reserved for months and years later. In short, it puts the cart before the horse.

To the men reading this, here’s what I’m asking you to do: Please, please, please take a look within yourself and determine if any of these messages have become part of your DNA. And if they are, take from them what’s true, and discard that which has been distorted by a decade or more of emasculating dating advice.

The pressure’s off, guys. Women don’t seem to be asking you to be perfect or fully realized in your husbandness. We just want you to be present and slightly brave. We’re not looking for a husband right this second, and they’re sure as heck not looking for a savior. We’re looking for a kind conversation, a respectful follow-up, and perhaps a nice cup of ethically sourced, fair-trade coffee.

That’s what I told myself when I moved halfway across the country on my own last year. I thought getting there was going to be the most difficult part, but after the boxes were unpacked and I figured out how to get to the grocery store without using Google Maps, I realized there was a big part of my journey that was going to be more difficult than I realized: making friends.

I figured I could make new friends easily. After all, I’d done it before in college. I met people in class, at church, at the coffee shop who became close friends. Sure, there were some awkward conversations at first. But it wasn’t scary, and I was comforted by the fact that they were in the same season of life.

But things are a little different post-college. There isn’t a core spot to meet people in the city. There aren’t intramural teams looking for new players. Even at church, joining a small group can feel like a guessing game because you may end up being the only person in your group who is new to the area.

For the first few weeks living in Nashville, I let these worries and fears keep me isolated. I stayed in the comfort of my new apartment because I wasn’t ready to put in the effort and find friendships. After a while, I noticed that all that isolation was affecting my mental health. I was more anxious, more exhausted, more unsure of myself and my choices. I knew something had to change, and that something was community.

Maybe you’re feeling the same way. You’re ready to put yourself out there and find genuine friendships. But where do you start? Experts will tell you a million different ways that are easy to accomplish if you’re an extrovert with no social anxiety. But for my fellow introverts, the thought of signing up for a sports league or cooking class all on your own is anxiety-inducing. Surely there has to be a way to make friends without feeling like you’re on the verge of a panic attack, right?

The answer to that question is yes, there are actually a few different things to try. You can step out of your comfort zone without breaking a sweat. Here’s how:

Download the apps

Hear me out: You probably know there are dozens of dating apps out there that will help you find a romantic partner. But did you know there are also apps that help you find a friend? Platforms like Bumble BFF or Meetup allow you to create a friendship profile to match with people who share your interests or are in a similar stage of life.

Much like the dating apps, you have control over who you want to be friends with, and more importantly who you don’t want to be friends with. The profiles are a great way to see if you have common interests or goals while providing a safe way to interact with them. Just remember to exercise caution and discernment when interacting online, and prioritize face-to-face interactions whenever possible to deepen connections.

Join a small group

Maybe you’ve joined a new church and want to make friends, but don’t know how to make those connections. After all, it’s hard to strike up a conversation with someone after church when all anyone is thinking about is what they want to eat for lunch. Instead, take the pressure off by joining a small group. Find a group that includes people in similar life stages as you and who have common goals. Many churches have niche groups you could join too that align with your special interests. Maybe there’s a men’s prayer group, or a women’s book club. If you’re feeling really adventurous, look for a church pickleball league.

Just remember, you don’t have to force it. If you try a group and things aren’t clicking, there’s no need to panic. Chances are, there’s another small group at your church you can check out, too.

Volunteer

Engaging in volunteer work not only allows you to contribute to your community but also provides opportunities to meet individuals who share your passion for making a difference. Whether it’s volunteering at a local shelter, participating in environmental clean-up initiatives, or serving in your church’s youth ministry, these meaningful activities can lead to deep connections with like-minded individuals who are driven by similar values.

It wasn’t easy to put myself out there. I made more than a few calls to my best friend back home giving me a pep talk before I walked into my small group. It took time and intentionality, and I had to push through a few awkward conversations in the beginning. But a year later, I’ve found a solid group of friends who I can lean on during the good and bad days.

If you’re in the midst of trying to find genuine, adult friendships, don’t give up. Chances are, there are people out there just like you who are looking for friendships. You just have to figure out how to find them.

Even if you’ve never seen the movie, you know it. Lloyd Dobbler, played by a fresh-faced John Cusack, boombox held aloft into the darkening sky, Peter Gabriel saying for him what his own words could not in an attempt to win back Diane. It might be pop culture’s most iconic image of a breakup. Which is a shame.

Because of all the many things you can do with a breakup, one of the absolute worst is to pine over what might have been, trying to reverse engineer a thriving relationship out of the lifeless husk of what once was. A breakup isn’t fun, so the natural inclination is to back out of one and try to go back to being in a relationship.

“A breakup is like a death only the person is still walking around in the world,” says Dr. Suzanne Lachmann, a clinical psychologist with an expertise in helping people navigate breakups. “Any time you are experiencing anything that’s like a death of someone that means something to you, it’s going to hurt no matter how progressive society gets. A loss is a loss.”

That means you’re going to probably go through some version of the seven stages of grieving a breakup. This is a process identified by Lachmann as a sort of road map for what the days, weeks, months and even years following a bad breakup will most likely end up looking like. These aren’t really steps, since they’ll happen naturally. Consider them more markers to help you get a rough idea of where you’re at and how to best navigate this season.

STAGE ONE: SHOCK AND DENIAL

Your instinctive reaction to a breakup will probably be a little different based on whether you were the one who initiated it or not, but one thing most breakups have in common is an initial stage of shock and denial in which you don’t fully grasp the reality of what’s happening.

If you’re breaking up with someone, this stage comes before the actual breakup, when you’re refusing to accept in your head what you already know is true: You need to break things off. This stage can last as long as you can hold the realization at bay, but the sooner you come to terms with the fact, the sooner that knot in your stomach will go away. Breaking up with someone is hard because you know it will cause them pain, but it will ultimately make it more painful for them if you string them along. Pray for strength and poise, and do the right thing.

If you’re on the receiving end of a breakup, denial looks a lot like a desperate search for answers. You convince yourself the person who dumped you isn’t in their right mind or is just going through a phase. You hunt for tangible reasons they dumped you, convincing yourself that if you can boil the reason down into one clear thing, you can fix the break and things will go back to being what they were.

This is what denial looks like. It’s a coping mechanism meant to shield yourself from the reality of the situation. Heartbreak, disappointment and rejection are brutal feelings, so our minds find ways around embracing them. It’s understandable, but reckoning with the truth of your situation is your first step toward healing.

STAGE TWO: PAIN AND GUILT

That acceptance is going to come with a sharp, brutal pain that’s known in the business as heartbreak.

You go from seeing someone every day and sharing your life with them to not having any interaction with them at all, other than some tortuous social media teases. (Seriously, an Instagram pic from that restaurant we used to always go to?!) It can feel like a death, as someone very close to you vanishes from your life—and the future you’d been envisioning is swirling down the drain.

There is one thing to remember during this stage and, unfortunately, it’s not particularly fun. It’s simply to accept the fact that you’re in pain. That sounds easy enough, but a lot of people struggle with it. They try to convince themselves that the pain they’re feeling is silly and juvenile, and attempt to undermine their own feelings by shutting their eyes and being a “grown-up.” There’s a reason why Ecclesiastes says there is “a time to weep” and “a time to laugh.” Everyone likes laughing, but sometimes we need a reminder it’s OK to just cry and grieve.

And yes, rejection is embarrassing and breakups can be humiliating, but that is no excuse to treat your emotions like they don’t matter. Admitting that to yourself and letting yourself feel the full brunt of the breakup is much more emotionally mature than keeping a stiff upper lip and pretending to be hurting less than you are.

STAGE THREE: ANGER AND BARGAINING

Anger usually doesn’t set in immediately. Initially, the feelings of loss and loneliness overwhelm any real mad energy, which is why people generally turn to ice cream and fried chicken immediately after a breakup. But the anger stage is when people start turning to stronger substances (do not do this) or aggressive activities like kickboxing (much better). Anger is when the initial shock of sadness dissipates and all you’re left with is rage.

Sometimes anger gets a bad rap. Sure, the Bible says we should be “slow to anger,” but it never says we should avoid it all together. Here’s the thing: Anger is actually a good sign. It’s the first sign that you actually are progressing through the stages. Even better, it’s a sign that you’re starting to take stock of yourself again. Depending on your temperament, you might be mad at your ex, their friends, the circumstances surrounding the breakup or maybe just mad at yourself.

You’ve got two options here. The first is to let that anger simmer and calcify into a bitter grudge. The second is to use it productively. Anger can be a great motivator. You can take that energy to the gym, a creative project or even some simple housework. Pretty much anything is better than sitting in your own anger, stewing on the one who got away.

A quick note: This is a stage where you might be tempted to start dating again, just to prove something. This is called a rebound, no matter how much you try and convince yourself otherwise. Avoid the urge at all costs.

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS

“How long will it be like this?” The thing to remember is that this stage does have an end. It may look like the entire future is a yawning chasm of loneliness, but the day is going to come when you wake up and you’re not thinking about your ex. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not next month. Maybe not even in six months. But it’ll come. The important thing is to not try to rush through this stage. Lachmann says that might just end up making things worse.

“I highly, strongly feel there should be no expectation ever about how anyone processes a loss,” says Lachmann. “All the different formulas only put pressure and make you feel bad.”

Well-intentioned friends will be there to try and talk you out of your funk, telling you to move on and snap out of it. That’s what friends are for, but it’s also important that you recognize these feelings aren’t something you can just turn on and off. There’s no set schedule for getting over stuff like this.

There are most definitely people out there who won’t reject you. You and this person were just not compatible in ways that you didn’t see. That’s all.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Stay plugged in to church and don’t hesitate to ask for prayer—it really does work. Also, remember that counselors are heartbreak experts, and having someone with the resources to help you process your emotions is more valuable than you might realize.

STAGE FIVE: THE UPWARD TURN

This is obviously a welcome adjustment to your emotional state, and it’s important to remember that it’ll come. Old routines start to set back in. You’re still sad about things—obviously there’s no event under which you wake up one morning feeling completely better—but there’s an organization and clarity to your thoughts that you haven’t had in a while.

You start having fun again, here and there, but don’t let this lull you into a false sense of security or, worse, make you feel like you should be doing better than you are.

“There’s no point at which you can look up and say, ‘I’m officially over this thing,’” Lachmann says. “Because you have no idea if you might have some association three months later that makes you melancholy for a minute. It’s not an exact process and the worst thing you can do is set expectation on your own grieving process.”

Allow yourself to have some fun and enjoy life, but also, take your time. Build yourself back up slowly.

STAGE SIX: RECONSTRUCTION AND WORKING THROUGH

As a feeling of normalcy starts to return, you’re going to have the emotional margin to start making some changes to your life. Start thinking about the things you want to improve about yourself and set some goals with realistic plans about how to achieve them.

Reach out to some friends you haven’t seen in a while or maybe make some new ones. Pick up a hobby (Remember the kickboxing thing?). You’re going to have some fresh energy and now is a great time to funnel it toward something proactive, but make sure you’re not using these new activities as a bandage. There will still be moments of pain.

“Breakups take as long as they take,” Lachmann says. “There are so many ways to distract yourself from feeling sad that we lose sight of the fact that grieving is actually part of the healing process.”

In other words, don’t rush yourself. If you don’t process this grief now, it won’t disappear. It’ll just show up later, stronger and more stubborn. Better to do the hard work now than wish you had later.

STAGE SEVEN: ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. Sometimes the wound left by a breakup never completely goes away. Acceptance is about acknowledging that what happened, happened. The sting of rejection hurts, but it doesn’t have to define you moving forward.

This is the stage where, at long last, you’ll get through the day without thinking about your ex—and when you do, it won’t come with a wrenching pain in your gut. You’ll be able to move on and maybe start thinking about dating again. And, by this point, you might be an awesome kickboxer.

THE END OF THE BEGINNING

Breakups are made out of two pains: loss and rejection. Both take time to heal, and Lachmann makes it clear that the stages she’s created won’t necessarily go in order. Life, like love, is messy that way.

“You can cycle through [these stages]” Lachmann says. “Go back and forth through them, under them, around them, through them, for as long as you personally, physically, emotionally need to.”

Remember your absolute acceptance by God is secure, and there is nothing any ex can do to change that. That won’t necessarily fix the way you’re feeling, but it can provide a true north in a disorienting season.

The important thing to remember is that feelings you experience on the heels of a bad breakup aren’t permanent. “Remind yourself that there are most definitely people out there who won’t reject you. You and this person were just not compatible in ways that you didn’t see. That’s all.”

Don’t get me wrong, I know I shouldn’t. The average age women get married in the U.S. is 28, so I’m just north of that. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. But when I tell people at my church that I’m still single, I get a sense that everyone around me is pitying me in some way. I cannot express how many times I’ve been met with sympathetic eyes when I tell someone I’m not married or dating anyone right now.

Sometimes I feel like I’m wrong for feeling this way. I always thought I’d be married by 30, but my twenties took a few unexpected turns. I’m glad with where I ended up, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t hear a voice in the back of my head saying I should be married by now.

I also know I’m not the only one feeling this way. Society — and just to be clear, I’m talking predominantly western American society — has created a lie. This lie is that 30 is a warning beacon, telling women that: 1. You better get married soon, or it’ll never happen. 2. You better have kids soon, or it’ll never happen. But both those statements are simply lies. American women are getting married later. This is due to a number of factors: a main one being an increased focused on higher education for women, and a change in perception about marriage. One study puts it this way: Culturally, young adults have increasingly come to see marriage as a “capstone” rather than a “cornerstone” — that is, something they do after they have all their other ducks in a row, rather than a foundation for launching into adulthood and parenthood.

In many ways, the thirties are the new twenties. But that doesn’t make it all better. Because no matter what age you are, some well-meaning and wonderful people will always pity you for being single. They’re thinking (and maybe saying), “Oh she’s so pretty and smart, how is she not married?! I know a guy …” And while I appreciate the sentiment behind what they’re expressing, the truth is, it makes me feel like I’m running out of time, which doesn’t help my growing frustration.

And it’s not just pity for not having a spouse. At times, I’ve felt not only pity but anxiety from my friends that I don’t have time let to have children. But again, they’re wrong, or at least somewhat misinformed. Because I’ve still got plenty of time to have a safe and healthy adoption or pregnancy. Yes, there are increased rates of complications for pregnancies, especially after 35. I know I can’t reprogram the biological clock. But to view 30 as a dropping-off point is to negate nearly a decade of childbearing years. Furthermore, any child I bring into my home, either by adoptive or biological means, is never anything less than a miracle in the first place—25 or 35, it’s all God. So if God knows the face of my child, I can trust I’ll know it as well.

Speaking of biological clocks ticking, sometimes I get the feeling that my friends’ concerns are that being older is a less desirable trait, and I’ll have a harder time finding someone. In those moments, I remind them that they’ve been roped into a youth-obsessed culture that fails to acknowledge the real beauty of women of all ages. Scripture tells me I am perfectly and wonderfully made — and not just in my twenties. There is nothing about me, my age or the extra little wrinkle on my forehead that will repel a good man.

Some days, all of this is easier to believe than others. Wise friends of mine who are single into their thirties, forties and fifties have shared that no matter how much knowledge they have about their relationship status, doubt can easily creep in. Truthfully, I’ve spent more time than I can to admit worrying that I’m not actually “marriage material.” Those thoughts quickly spiral into other ones like “something is wrong with me” or I’m somehow repelling possible suitors. If I don’t catch those thoughts quickly, I can start to believe that I’ve passed the beacon of viability for being loved.

Maybe you’ve had that thought before, too. Maybe you have that thought now. The point is, none of those thoughts are worth more than a moment. Take a step back and lean on God when those lies and accusations fill your mind. Remind yourself that you are wonderful, datable, loveable and (in all probability) nothing about who you are is preventing a good relationship.

What’s preventing it is, well, nothing. God isn’t sitting on a cloud, laughing and saying, “Interminable singleness for her! Nobody will ever love him!” He doesn’t work like that. What He is doing is crafting a narrative, and letting me in on it a step at a time, which means that right now, my job is to be obedient in doing the things He’s called me to today. Then, I trust that if God desires for me to be in a relationship, He’ll make that known. My age will not prevent Him from working.

There is no cutoff date for gifts from God. If He can make Abraham and Sarah parents at 90, there’s no reason to think I’m too old for a miracle of my own.

“Can someone marry the wrong person?” is just one of those questions that, while yes, is important to ask, can also unfortunately lead to an unproductive and unhelpful wormhole. Having said that, I’d like to go down that wormhole a bit while also offering an alternative question that’s worth diving into.

First, the wormhole.

In any thinking Christ-follower, there is always an internal debate. That is, the debate between what we know (hope, think) to be true in Scripture, and how we reconcile that conviction when faced with it in real life. For example, someone may have strong feelings on what the Bible says about homosexuality. But, when that same person is sitting across the table from a 19-year-old who is desperately trying to make sense of his attractions AND love for Jesus, suddenly those beliefs, which may have been airtight, are a little more malleable (or at least graceful).

If both of the people in a relationship earnestly pray for and seek God’s wisdom on this marriage (and interpret some measure of confirmation) is it possible they’ve married the wrong person? Well no, not in theory. Because that would be making the assumption that God is wrong, which in itself is wrong.

However, I’ve sat with countless individuals who’ve prayed like crazy, felt some measure of assurance, got married, shouldered down for 15 years, and are now living in marriage hell with someone who is not the same person they were when they stood on the altar. In that case, did they marry the wrong person? Well, to be it plainly, no … and yes. And now we’re falling down the wormhole…

But there’s more:

If one person is a believer and the other isn’t, does that mean they’re marrying the wrong person? Well, the pastor in me wants to say, “Don’t even think about going down that road.”

But then, I know countless couples who have God-honoring, inspiring, marriages and have been walking this tightrope for years. Additionally, I know even more couples where God used the relationship to bring the unbeliever into a deeper understanding of who Jesus is. Is it advisable? Probably not. Is it possible those people were ordained to be married? The evidence would point to yes.

And there’s even more.

Many Christians may assume that non-believers are more likely to marry the wrong person because they lack God’s guidance in finding their one true love. But not so fast.

To discount this union as simply two people blindly stumbling to the altar, without God as a part of the equation, negates God’s loving work in all human life. Might God be working in the lives of two unbelievers, even before they realize it? Thankfully, yes. Can two unbelievers marry the wrong person? Perhaps, but certainly not necessarily. Wormhole engaged.

Here’s the thing: there’s just too much mystery to how God works to be able to definitively answer the question, “Can someone marry the wrong person?” Because for every situation that points to “Absolutely yes, you can marry the wrong person,” there is an equal, opposite, and convicting example of “Absolutely not, that’s God’s choice for you.” There’s just no rule.

So maybe the question you should start thinking about isn’t “Can someone marry the wrong person?” but rather “How can someone marry the right person?” God isn’t silent on that. (Quick summary: pray like crazy, get to know each other intentionally, ask for tons of advice, community, community, community, pray some more, repeat)

Additionally, if someone is married and asking this question, I would say that entertaining this conversation gives more credence to regret and living in the past—which is not helpful. What is helpful, however, is resolve and taking steps to fix what is broken.

If you’re single, you are likely the recipient of a lot of unsolicited advice, encouragement and pep talks. People want to help, they have great intentions—yet they sometimes cross the line of “too far” and end up miles past “helpful.”

So, non-singles, please hear me: people who happen to be single are so much more than their relationship status, as (I hope) are most people. Any list, article, or how-to will never apply to every individual—so seek to personally get to know the people around you. Look past the generalizations. And, please, watch how you phrase your well-intentioned comments. Here are some things to avoid:

“Oh… Sorry….”

I’m always confused why my telling people I’m single gets the same response as sharing a cancer diagnosis. Sure, some people don’t enjoy being single, and the world has made it out to be comparable to a disease, but continually telling people you’re so very sorry about this horrible thing in their life assumes they’re currently unhappy and reinforces the unhealthy viewpoint that a relationship is the be-all, end-all.

Instead of apologizing, give your friend the freedom to express how they actually feel about their relationship status. Don’t assume they hate it, when they could be enjoying every second. Don’t suppose they love it, because they could be really struggling right now. Before you attempt to comfort, first attempt to understand.

“How Are You Still Single?”

This is meant as a compliment, but it can come off as somewhat offensive. Being surprised that someone great is single assumes that there is something inherently wrong with single people—that they somehow deserve the “punishment” of singleness. Wonderful people find themselves in relationships, the thinking seems to go. Crazy, messed up people find themselves single.

But of course, that’s not how the world works. Singleness isn’t necessarily the symptom of some big flaw, just as being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re healthy.

”You Should Date [Name of Mutual Friend/Co-Worker/Cousin]”

Here’s the thing: friends ask friends before setting them up. So there’s no need to awkwardly hint at something, just ask before you start playing matchmaker. And allow people to say no. Sometimes, a single person is open to being set up with a mutual friend someone thinks they’ll hit it off with. Sometimes, the last thing a single needs is another awkward interaction with a stranger (we have dating apps for that).

“Wow, You Must Have So Much Free Time!”

This is usually an attempt to point out the silver lining. But this sometimes implies that your single friend’s schedule, and life, must be empty (and void of anything meaningful) when there isn’t a significant other in it. True, those of us who are single have just one person’s schedule to keep track of instead of two, but there are so many other important parts of our days that have nothing to do with our love lives.

“Use This Time to Better Yourself!”

I am a fan of increasing self awareness, of learning about yourself, of striving to be a better person. So much so that I believe everyone should constantly be bettering themselves—single, married, adolescent, senior citizen, whoever! Saying this “gift” of free time allows singles to become the best version of themselves sometimes comes off as claiming that people in relationships don’t need to do the same. Or, worse, that people need to reach some level of near perfection before they can be worthy of a relationship.

Instead of assuming your friend is waiting for someone else to spur their personal growth, celebrate what God is already doing in their life. Personally, the hardest part of being single is feeling like I don’t have a partner in ministry—a built-in encourager, prayer partner and someone who is journeying with me in the mess that can be the Christian walk. As Christian community, we’re called to recognize the Holy Spirit’s work in each other—with or without a ring on our finger.

“Marriage Is So Great!”

I’m not anti-marriage or anti-relationships. But non-singles need to realize that marriage is already portrayed as the ideal in so many facets of life—in movies, in pop culture, and especially the Church. We don’t need more voices telling us how perfect having a plus one makes your life.

I’m continually grateful for married friends who allow me to see the highs and the lows—walking through the good times and the bad with them grants me the truth that marriage is just as flawed and broken as the rest of our world is.

“…That’s Why You’re Single”

Unless you are a deep, personal friend of someone’s and feel called to to enter into a deep, vulnerable conversation with them, never say this, even if you’ve heard them joke about it from time to time. Reasons for being single are usually not up for discussion with mere acquaintances—they are typically very personal and unique to each person. Making a joke out of it does more harm than good.

“I Can’t Even Imagine Being Single. I Don’t Know How You Do It.”

Similar to the apology, this leaves your friend in the awkward position of having to justify why their current reality is not as horrible as you apparently think. Many people really enjoy being single, so your friend might not need you to commiserate with them.

Instead, ask some questions to find out what else is going on in your friend’s life. Relationships aside, life can be rough. School is stressful, work is never ending, family can drive you crazy. See what in particular your friend is struggling with, and offer to be what they need—it could be a listening ear, advice or simply a friend to eat ice cream with.

When we ask “How far is too far?” we’re appealing to a part of ourselves that wants rules for making God happy and parameters for how much we can get away with before He becomes “unhappy” with us. It’s a natural tendency, and we do it with many things: “How much alcohol is too much alcohol?” “How much do I have to tithe?” “How much should I pray or read the Bible?” And so on.

The truth is, we’re a law-abiding people, but we serve a heart-abiding God. When Jesus was directly asked (in so many words), what rules needed to be followed in order to get into Heaven, He replied (in these exact words), “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind,” and “Love your neighbour as yourself.” (Luke 10). You see what Jesus did there? He not only challenges the concept of a rule-based life, but He also gives us a much harder and more thoughtful command: to love.

Instead of focusing on where to draw the line in the sand, perhaps there are better questions to ask instead. Ones like, “What does God have for me and my significant other?”, “How can we each grow closer to the Lord?” or “Are we doing everything we can to keep our focus on Christ and not anything else?” Those questions will strengthen your relationship more than setting a line you can or can’t cross ever well.

However, you might be asking this question to someone because you want them to give you a definitive answer. Something along the lines of: “You’re allowed to do [somewhat super-hot act] but you can’t do [really super-hot act].” The fact is, though, I’m not going to do that.

What I’m encouraging you to do is pursue a deep and God-focused love for the other person. If you do that, a few things will start to happen:

1. The question will morph from “How far is too far” to: “How respectful can I be?” “How guarded can I be about not moving our affection into a place of guilt?” “How much can I love this person without entering into a place of intimacy reserved for marriage?”

2. You’ll view the other person more in-line with how God views them. He knows the inherent value of your significant other. He knows who their husband/wife will be. And He knows the painful reconciling that will take place when they do meet their spouse and have to wade through the guilt of giving too much away in an old relationship. That’s not a fun feeling, and you can love your partner enough to help them avoid that.

3. Your relationship will get better and better. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with it now. But if you are truly on the path to marriage and, subsequently, sweet lovin’ by the fire (yep, I said it), the work you do toward intentionally and respectfully loving each other will make the days pre-marriage significantly more rewarding and impactful.

To sum it up, the answer isn’t as concrete as you probably would like it to be. The truth is, the more you dig into God’s desires for your relationship, the less you’ll be focused on crossing or not crossing the “line.” In doing so, you’ll also be more focused on the opportunity to love each other well.

When life gives you zucchinis, you find out who your real friends are.

A whole afternoon spent stirring red lentils and zucchini, grating zucchini for chocolate bread, deep frying zucchini tempura and mixing up a mystery cheese-zucchini casserole feels just about impossible to find most days. Try this with a bunch of people bumping into each other in a kitchen and splattering grease on a lawn together, though, and you’ve got an amazing recipe for building community.

Community is revolutionary. When we bring it to a rolling boil, lives change and plans foment that ripple around the world. But it’s hard to cook up community from scratch in middle-class North America. Some days, just getting to know the neighbors on your street can feel like trying to get the wave going at a football game while everybody stares at you from their seats. Still, we go on believing that God made people—all of us, no matter your Myers-Briggs profile type—to need other people. So we need to figure out how to break our ruts of commuting, watching Hulu and consuming Hot Pockets alone.

Goofy parties help, and Zuke Fest was far from our first. Just after we got married, we lived in an apartment building where all the residents opened their doors and hosted events like “Fried Food Night,” “Dessert for Dinner” and “Vegetarians Eat Meat.” These were not Martha Stewart affairs with themed table decorations, mind you. They were more like a bunch of friends diving into minimal planning after saying, “Hey, what if we … ?” and then actually doing it.

Our attempts at feeding community often involve food—because, after all, everybody has to eat. When we lived overseas, we bonded with friends over attempts at Thanksgiving dinners in places without turkeys and cranberries. And we’ve been involved with what can only be called “The Whole Nicaraguan Village Is Eating Beef Because Somebody’s Cow Fell Down the Hill and Broke Her Neck.” But some of our connections with people don’t focus on food; we’ve also tried a square dance, a winter bonfire, a weekly sports night and a feat known to us as “Read the New Testament Straight Through in One Night.”

We’ve been charging this hill of community (and often falling back down it) for years because we know God made us and redeemed us for relationships. Here’s what we’ve been learning.

Give what you don’t want to give

If you’re serious about getting to know your neighbors, co-workers, churchmates, shopkeepers or other random people in your life, you can always start by giving them something. Think what might make somebody smile, and then figure out how to find or make it. It might be scones, a wood carving, a coupon booklet, an evening of babysitting, a lunch meeting to talk when you really want some down time, a ride to the doctor or even the tried-and-true casserole. Then stop by to give it to them and leave time to talk. Get each others’ info so you can reconnect soon. (And then do it.) Community often starts with asking how to help—and then actually helping.

Ask for stuff

On the flip side, ask people for help. Most people like feeling needed, as long as you’re not pounding on their door every morning asking for another splash of milk for your cereal. Think before you buy—maybe you could borrow what you need from someone instead. (And if nobody has the thing you’re looking for, maybe you could be the one who buys and then offers to share.)

Stick with your church

Sadly, this doesn’t go without saying. You need the Church, and the Church needs you. Get in. Stay in. Commit. It won’t be easy. But there’s no substitute for committing to a group of sinners (just like you and me) that Jesus is leading. We need to remind ourselves through this commitment that we can be weird in good ways and, through it, show love for a hurting world.

Get people to tell their stories

Don’t meet a new person and wonder, “How can this person be of use to me?” Instead, try to remember, “I get to share this right-here-and-now-moment with this person.” Treat people as people, not network threads. Ask questions that give them chances to share their stories, and as you listen, tell God thanks for the ways He’s working in their lives. There is no ordinary person on any continent. The person in front of you has a story worth hearing, opinions that will challenge yours, and maybe even some profound insights you need.

Take the bull by the horns

After complaining too many times that I (Chrissy) didn’t know anyone in the North American neighborhood we moved into a couple years ago, I finally figured out nobody but me was going to solve the problem. I got serious with God and started praying for one close friend and one tiny group of people I could have real conversations with at least once a month. It was a small start, but that’s where you’ve got to start. Then I took God seriously that He was going to answer that prayer and started making ways for it to happen. I brainstormed all the women I’d talked to in the last months about the lack of community in our lives and invited them all to the local Perkins restaurant. What started as sort of a “Lonely Ladies” support group is now, sure enough, a strong little community of friends a year later.

Be a quitter

Part of the reason community is hard to find is because people are so busy. Pick a couple favorite things, get fully involved in those, and quit the rest. Figure out the people you want to see more, and see them more—which, sad to say, probably means seeing some other people less. Most really close friendships don’t happen without seeing a person at least two times a week. Start with the people who live closest to you because that makes connecting with them easier. Don’t let your Facebook friends keep you from seeing the real faces of your friends.

Get to know people not like you

You might think it’s easiest to form community with those most similar to us, but if you happen to be busy, middle-class white people like us, you might also find that most people like us are lousy at community. That doesn’t mean people from different backgrounds than us are automatically good at community, but we do need people who are different from us in our lives. This means meeting families with kids if you don’t have kids and meeting singles if you do. It could mean pulling out your high school Spanish to strike up a conversation with a neighbor or helping an older woman carry her groceries across the street (seriously). Or, if you didn’t grow up in small town, Nordic, Midwest families where people greet each other by saying “Hey der” and make Tater Tot green bean casseroles for potlucks after church like we did, maybe the way to meet people not like you is just to make a casserole and invite them over.

And if all else fails, give us a shout and we’ll bring over a bucket of squash for your Zuke Fest. Seriously. We have way too much.

Especially if you grew up in the church, you’ve probably heard people say that Christians should not marry non-Christians. And since dating is the first step toward marriage, it follows that Christians should not date non-Christians either.

But many people think this is the ideal rather than the norm. I have met so many believers who—when times got tough or lonely—ditched that rule and started a relationship with an unbeliever. “What could be the harm,” they wonder. “My boyfriend acts more like a Christian than my Christian friends do,” they say.

And sadly, that may be true, but being a Christian is about so much more than just being a moral person. Being a believer means that your relationship with God has absolutely, entirely and clearly changed your life.

If you are a believer and profess to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, there is no getting around the fact that this is by far the most influential relationship you will ever have. It’s a relationship that will shape your identity, form your beliefs, influence your choices and guide the entire purpose of your life. It’s a relationship that, according to Scripture, will not just change you, it will re-create you. When you enter a relationship with Jesus, you’re not simply a “better version” of yourself, you are made absolutely new.

Again, I realize you’re just asking about dating, not about marriage yet, but I’m going to jump ahead to marriage because even if you’re not sure that is where the relationship will end up, that possibility should be a consideration when you’re deciding who to date.

Spiritual Connection

Through marriage, you are choosing to become one body with another human being (2 Corinthians 6:14-17). You are joining your hearts, your minds and your very bodies in an intimate and sacred connection. For those who are Christians, this union cannot fully take place with someone outside of relationship with Jesus Christ, because true “oneness” is something that cannot be forced or synthesized: it’s supernatural.

At the end of the day, there is no replacing the deep intimacy that comes when you are physically, emotionally and spiritually connected to another human being. Don’t sell yourself short out of fear and desperation, but instead, move toward God’s promises in faith.

The Reason for Christian Marriage

For Christians, marriage is about more than just companionship. It’s about the display of the glory of God at work through our relationship (Ephesians 5:31-33). Marriage is a glorious display of Christ and the Church—of sacrifice, and the laying down of our lives for one another. If we’re not looking at marriage with this purpose in mind, we’re actually missing what marriage is all about.

As John Piper so eloquently says, “Marriage exists ultimately to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His church. If you are married, that is why you’re married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream!”

When we choose to redefine marriage on our own terms, we miss out on experiencing marriage in the sacred, intimate, God-honoring way it’s meant to be experienced.

Compatibility

I tell my counseling clients all the time that modern psychology points to the benefits of being married to someone with whom you are “spiritually in-sync.”

Faith and spirituality are such important factors in our lives that those who have them in common tend to have a lower divorce rate. This statistic rings true for all belief systems, because having this integral part of our identity in common is like strings that hold two people together.

But above and beyond the strings of “commonality,” believers in Christ are held together by something even greater: the Spirit of God who lives, breathes and works in us and through us.

Those who are united in Spirit cannot be separated (Mark 10:9). According to Scripture, when God joins something together, something powerful happens that can’t be separated by mere man. The Spirit of God is the only guarantee that we will have what it takes to love, to confess, to sacrifice, to give and to forgive one another.

I am not saying that marriages between people of different faiths never work at all, or that simply being a “Christian” guarantees that we will make good choices in our marriage or that we will be exempt from divorce. But when both partners in a marriage are allowing God’s spirit to work in their lives, they then have the power to say no to their sin and flesh rather than being ruled by it.

Don’t let fear drive you into the arms of someone with whom you can’t share every single part of your life. God calls us to make relationship choices in our lives not based out of fear, but out of faith—faith that God is faithful, that He is good and that His great plan for your life is worth the wait. Don’t settle for anything less.

Have a question? Good! Send an email to AskRELEVANT@relevantlab.kinsta.com. All identifying information will be kept anonymous.

An earlier version of this article appeared at truelovedates.com.

Unfortunately, it seems like many young singles struggle to figure out just how to handle dating–and I’m not the only one who’s noticed how weird the Christian dating scene can be. As my friend Lindsey, married and in her thirties, recently remarked, “I’m sure glad I wasn’t much of a Christian when I started dating my husband!”

Whether over coffee in my kitchen or on the hallowed ground of women’s small groups, I hear these murmurs constantly. “My daughter was interested in this nice Christian boy, but he strung her along for a year and a half. The next one did too.” Or, “Jeremy acted like they were friends but she told me later that they were hooking up on the side.” With that kind of dismal dating culture at play, let’s consider the options:

First, there’s “courting.” It’s the modern-day form of arranged marriages. I don’t have first-hand knowledge, but thanks to reality TV, I believe it appears to involve asking the woman’s dad if she is available to date, and possibly not kissing until the actual wedding.

Outside the courting circles, there is the less overt but just as prevalent “ideal spouse” dating. This involves judging a potential guy or girl for the 38 qualities you are looking for in an ideal mate—before even grabbing coffee together. It’s like arranged marriages where no one is making the arrangements, and it doesn’t seem to work very well.

At the opposite extreme, there is “Faux Christian Dating”—in which young Christians have no idea what to do with dating, so they avoid it. Instead of dating, lots of “hanging out” occurs. “Hanging out” leads to all kinds of mixed feelings. Does he like me? Is she flirting? What does this text mean? Why did he sit next to me at church? Did she want my sweatshirt because she was cold, or because she likes me?

Sometimes the “hanging out” leads to hooking up, sans dating, which is another uber-confusing side effect of the Faux Christian Dating cycle.

But what if there was another option? What if Christians just began to date like normal people—not dating toward immediate marriage and not eschewing dating for the less-desirable “hanging out” no man’s land? Here are a few myths we’d have to ditch in order to get there.

1. You Have to Know Exactly How You Feel Before You Go On a Date

Stop evaluating whether the guy who’s taken an interest in you is strong and tenderhearted enough to raise your future kids. Stop evaluating whether the new girl at church is hot enough and “low-maintenance” enough for your liking.

If you take notice, if you are intrigued or interested, make a date! Get together—one on one. We are talking about one afternoon or evening together, not a lifetime. And unless someone’s making arrangements for you, it’s worth spending at least a little bit of time with the person before you decide if they are worth marrying.

2. You Can’t Date Casually

When we were still in college, my husband had 38 first job interviews before he landed a second one. He was horrible at interviews, but by the 38th one, he had learned how to engage with good questions, talk about himself an appropriate amount and gauge interest from himself and the interviewer. He didn’t get necessarily smarter—he got more experienced. Dating can be like that too. Sometimes we all need a little practice with figuring out what we really want—not in terms of our “ideal spouse” but a real flesh-and-blood human.

Not every date needs to be a total success. But it’s foolish to think that the way a girl or guy acts in a group of friends is the same as how they’ll act one on one. Dating helps two people sort out what it would be like to be together, to be in a friendship. Most of marriage involves time together, one on one, in a friendship. And spending intentional one-on-one time—not too serious, just time—allows both parties to experience what it would be like to continue in the relationship.

I can’t say it clearly enough: Hanging out in groups will not be enough information to determine who is worth marrying. Everyone is different when you get them one-on-one.

3. Marriage Is the Only Purpose of Dating

“Do you think Christian girls make dating too serious?” I asked several guys recently. “I need a buffer of at least five dates before I’m thinking of any future at all!” said one young man.

What if you completely jettison the idea of finding your husband or wife via dating, at least for the first five dates? What if dating is about getting to know someone and gauging interest, not lifelong compatibility?

The great thing about changing expectations is that it lowers the pressure on grabbing dinner together and figuring out if the two of you even like talking to one another!

Of course, one of the biggest obstacles toward casual dating is the inevitable “ending.” So many of us equate kindness with never saying anything hard to anyone. In truth, kindness is not about passivity. Kindness is honoring someone in your treatment of them, but kindness is also honoring them by ending a dating relationship if needed.

If you’ve maintained boundaries and treated your date with respect, you’ve protected him or her from false and premature intimacy. Will it be awkward? Sure, it will! But the purpose of dating isn’t to just accumulate boyfriends or girlfriends—it’s to find a best friend and partner for life. And when you find him or her, chances are, none of those other guys or gals you’ve casually dated will matter much in the light of your spouse.

The reality is that you can’t have it all. You can’t have the attention of multiple dates and still be pursuing a God-honoring relationship with one. You can’t maintain 10 flirty friendships and expect to make space in your heart for one awesome husband or wife. But you can start somewhere—slowly, and casually—and trust God to lead you into more.

This article has been adapted from an earlier version.

It’s been blamed for relationship problems, pain and even been equated to a lack of trust in “Waiting on God.” As a professional counselor and, well, a woman who dated, I see dating as an incredible opportunity to glorify God and get to know the people around you in hopes of finding true love.

But for as much as I’m a fan of dating, I can’t say that it’s always for everyone. There are definitely times and stages in a person’s life when dating may not be the right thing. Here are some examples:

1. You Hope a Relationship Will Make You Feel Better About Yourself.

I interact with some young men and women who believe that a relationship is the means to their end, as if all problems, insecurities, fears and worries will dissolve in the embrace of a lover.

If you are looking to a relationship to solve your problems and absolve your fears then hear this: You probably shouldn’t be dating.

There’s got to be an understanding that true security and value must come from within before you will be able to invest fully to another. Relying on another human being to fill those insatiable needs is a recipe for disaster—because no human being has the capacity to offer you what is needed for true value and self worth. True security must be rooted from the intimacy of your relationship with God, and founded in the value He has placed upon your life. Relationships and the joy that they bring are simply overflow.

Seek to understand your true value before trying to find it in the eyes of another.

2. You Just Got Out of a Relationship.

This is what we like to call the “rebound.” We all know that individual who is bouncing around from one relationship to the next, getting over one breakup by jumping into the arms of someone else.

The problem with this philosophy is that it never allows for healing, maturity and growth. When a relationship ends, it’s a signal that something was wrong. Rather than quickly starting over, it’s important to take the time to heal, recover and redefine yourself now that you are standing alone.

It’s important to review the former relationship and learn from your past wounds before you seek to try again. Give yourself time and a chance to heal, because that healing (or lack thereof) will follow you right into the next relationship.

3. You Haven’t Invested in Getting to Know Yourself.

For you to really have an understanding of what you need in a mate, you have to have an understanding of who you are. I would venture to say that the No. 1 determining factor of whether you are ready to date is how well you know yourself.

Of course, knowing yourself is a lifelong process, but your past, your present and your future are all important parts to you need to understand and work through as much as possible for the prospect of true love to become a reality. YOU are actually the most important person you will ever date.

4. You Don’t Believe the Timing is Right.

Sometimes it really comes down to this one thing. For some people, the adventure of dating is one that they are not quite ready to jump into. Maybe the timing is not right or maybe they are at a point in life in which their concentration needs to be invested in other things: school, career, ministry or simply getting their life more together.

No matter the reason, it’s important get a green light within your heart led by God’s Spirit in order to go ahead and step into the world of dating.

Dating can complicated—I get it. But it can also be a really special adventure. In order to pursue the rewards of dating and minimize the risks, it’s seriously important to make sure you are ready and that the timing is right for you.

Take inventory of where you are in life and then seek God as you take the first steps. Like I said, I’m an advocate of dating, but if you’re going to date, be sure to date well, because timing is everything.

The Christian rhetoric of “men initiate, women respond” gridlocked my heart into eleven months of waiting. As the story often goes, I really liked this great guy. Our relationship escalated from group hangouts, to study breaks and late-night runs, and from there on to dinners off-campus and formal events. He never expressed his feelings per se, so I mastered the art of channeling my anxiety about his ambiguity by scribbling in my prayer journal. I was that girl.

“Does he like me? Will he ever profess his true feelings?” I asked God, but I never asked my crush.

I didn’t ask him how he felt because I was told good Christian women’ don’t initiate, and speaking up crossed into the forbidden category of pursuing. I was instructed to pray more, trust God, sit by the phone, and wait. As a result, I lost my voice. And as it turned out, he did finally profess his feelings—to another girl. Spending a year of your life swooning over a guy only to discover he never fancied you “that way” can feel like a small death, can’t it?

We all know how hard it is to land a date with a good man, both statistically and anecdotally. We’ve heard about prolonged adolescence and know how The New York Times suggested the word “date” be stricken from the dictionary because no one is really “dating” anymore. Added to all this are the common Christian teachings for women seeking romance:

1) God calls us to wait.

2) We can’t ask him to tell us how he feels or clarify his intentions because that’s “taking matters into our own hands.”

3) If a woman initiates, even just once, she’ll set a pattern that could lead to a marriage in which he’ll never be the spiritual leader.

4) He’ll pick up on your hints, so there’s no need to be explicit with your feelings.

5) Flirting will make him stumble.

We talk about “biblical dating,” but since there was no modern concept of dating in the Bible’s historical context, what does this really mean? Is the mandate that women should not initiate a biblical idea? Are women in danger of dominating their future husbands because they suggest hanging out one on one? Is it really God’s will for women looking for “the one” to wait and be patient?

When we take a closer, more critical look, we find these rules are not necessarily based in biblical teaching. I believe Christian men are called to lead—but that doesn’t mean women have to lose their voice.

Here’s a look at a biblical woman who was strong, courageous, took risks, and—drumroll, please—initiated. Ruth, a single woman, put on her best rockin’ outfit and to Boaz after dark. Of course, there’s cultural context in this story, to be carefully studied and considered, but there’s at least one simple principle that speaks to us today: Ruth didn’t sit at home praying Boaz would come knocking on her mother-in-law’s door. She didn’t read into his kindness. assuming he liked her and would eventually make a move. After he showed her special attention, Ruth took a risk. She initiated and allowed him to respond.

Ruth teaches us a few insights into how women can pursue romance:

Don’t be afraid to initiate

If you have your eye on a guy, suggest a Saturday run or something casual to do together. Invite him to come out with you and your friends. Don’t just wait for him to pick up on your hints. Initiating can be scary, but it also circumvents a lot of confusing games. If you reach out, you’ll put the ball in his court. Then, it will be up to him what to do next.

Be clear with your desires

Communicating—in words, not actions—what you want is vital. If he’s singling you out, engaging you in witty text banter, or prolonging an unspoken possibility, it might be time to speak up. At some point, you both need to clarify and communicate your expectations. And if he’s not talking, you might need to be the first to bring it up. Does that mean you are a dominant woman? No. Does that mean you’ll turn him into a passive man? No. It means you are strong and have good communication skills. Hanging around Boaz’ field’s wasn’t getting the job done, and lingering by his side on a group evening doesn’t count as telling him you’re interested. Let’s stop the subtle communication and use our words.

Ask him to clarify his vague intentions

Asking him what he wants will protect you from unnecessary wondering and heartache. Boaz’s kindness to Ruth was initially vague—we don’t know if it was motivated by romantic interest or simply a familial obligation to care for a distant relative. So she actively put him in a position that required him to clarify. And we can do the same. If he’s singling you out, giving you special treatment, and hasn’t been explicit about his feelings or intentions—ask him.

This takes courage, especially because you’ll need to be prepared for a favorable or unfavorable response. Whatever he says, you need to know that his response does not define you. Instead of hinging your self-worth on what he thinks of you, remember who God made you to be and speak out of that confidence.

As women, it’s easy to allow a man to string us along, grasping at signs of his affection and remaining silent. I did it for entirely too many years. But when my husband Michael came into the picture, I was committed to protecting myself by not putting up with vague intentions. After several great phone conversations, he sent a nonchalant Facebook message ending with: “Keep me updated.” You know what I didn’t do? I didn’t pray he’d clarify his message. I didn’t remain silent and hope he figured out I was the one for him. I took a risk and told him I’d love to get to know him better and would like for him to keep calling.

Two days later, my phone rang. And the conversation hasn’t stopped since.

Of course, it’s second nature to gravitate toward those who share the same passions and interests. We tend to click with people who are like us—birds of a feather, and all that.

Yet the problem with defaulting to doppleganger friendships is that shared interests can only take a friendship so far. They can even stop short at companionships of convenience that mask a lack of true intimacy. For intimacy, in fact, has less to do with shared interests and more to do with shared vulnerability, and above all, a commitment to growth. The best friendships are birthed from a desire to engage at a deeper level … to challenge one another, to grow individually and collectively, and to be willing to learn from one another.

It’s a beautiful image, but also certainly a tall order. And it means that if we want to break beyond our standard bubble to seek deeper opportunities, we’re going to have to be intentional about it.

Take inventory of your inner circle. Does everyone look, talk, and think like you? If so, maybe it’s time to branch out. There’s no surefire formula for creating community, but there are few kinds of friendships you might be missing in your life—and that you might want to pursue.

1. Someone Who is Older—and Wiser—Than You

It’s one thing to wish you had better habits, more self-discipline or refined character. It’s another thing to find those qualities personified in someone you respect—and follow them as a real-life model. This is not a friend you idolize or envy, rather, it’s someone who is one or two life stages ahead of you and can call back to you tips for the journey.

Mentor friends, like no one else, can help you set your own bar higher. You may not share occupations or hobbies, but this person’s character is aspirational for you. The best mentor relationships involve enough vulnerability to see that person as a “whole person”—someone worthy of emulating but not devoid of flaws.

Take stock of the people in your life and ask yourself who embodies the character traits that you would like to improve in yourself. Looking to be more content? Hoping to put more joy in your life? Wanting to be a more patient parent or supportive spouse? Wishing you could improve in your spiritual maturity? Think of people you know who are living out your goals, and approach them about the possibility of being in a mentor relationship.

2. Someone Who is Younger Than You

If having a mentor to look up to can improve your character, being a mentor for someone else can challenge you to do the same—from the opposite end of the spectrum.

There’s no bigger motivator to be more careful in your steps than having a constant shadow. When a friend is looking to you as a living example, you will be challenged to live better—that is, to live a life that is worthy of imitation.

Psychologist Erik Erikson describes the developmental task of adulthood as “generativity vs. stagnation.” His theory is that the fulfillment we derive from helping others helps us maintain our own sense of purpose, and is an integral element of personal growth. On the other hand, if we don’t invest in others, we stunt both our personal potential and the opportunity to influence someone else for the better.

The bottom line is that you have something to give. As a mentor, you get to speak meaningfully into someone’s life, advise them against making the mistakes you did and allow the relationship to sharpen yourself in the process as well.

3. Someone Who Has a Different Home Culture Than You

There are few better ways to broaden your horizons than to be in community with people of different cultural backgrounds than yourself.

Cross-cultural friendships stretch us outside our limited vantage point as we seek to understand someone else’s unique customs, values and traditions. Such friendships are mutually beneficial. It allows those of us steeped in American culture to reconsider some of our default societal norms and values, and maybe even adapt some new ways of engaging with the world. It also makes us more empathetic to global issues when we have friends from various backgrounds. At the same time, those of us who are new to American culture can benefit from a sincere friend who can help them navigate the changes and challenges inherent to acclimating to a new place. It’s equally important to delve honestly into sensitive conversation topics such as racism, immigration and cultural differences, in order to dialogue and learn from each other.

Editor and writer Deidra Riggs cultivates cross-cultural friendships through a group of women dedicated to just that. “We call ourselves ICU,” she says, “which means Increasing Cultural Understanding; it also means ‘intensive care unit’ because we believe addressing these issues is critical for the Body of Christ; and it means ‘I see you.’” In addition to serving as common ground for friends of different cultures, age groups, worldviews and political viewpoints, Riggs says, “These women also serve as mentors for me.”

4. Someone Who Holds a Different Worldview

We naturally develop friendships with others who affirm our convictions—whether in terms of religion, politics, moral ethics or any other thought arenas where our opinions come passionately forward.

But when you only surround ourselves with a chorus of people who nod and amen at every turn of the conversation, you begin to lose touch with people from other walks of life. It’s easy to make straw men and stereotypes of people who hold opposing views, but when “those other people” are your trusted friends, it’s harder to dismiss their ideas. Instead, you’ll be pushed to listen more honestly and grapple with these differences in the context of a relationship. And not only that, but having friends with whom you hold clashing views can lead to spirited conversations that would have never happened in like-minded community.

David Henson, a postulant for Episcopal priesthood and blogger at Patheos.com—committed to interfaith dialogue—believes that everyone needs a friend who is an atheist. “It is a reminder that morality isn’t confined to the realms of the religious and that humans don’t need faith to be good, moral agents in the world,” he says. “It is a constant reminder to question one’s assumptions … My friends who are atheists don’t just make me a better Christian, they make me a better human.”

5. Someone Just Next Door

While it’s great to seek out certain kinds of new friends, don’t overlook the potential friends who might already be in your life. Who do you interact with on a weekly, if not daily, basis?

Whether a neighbor, a barista at your favorite coffee shop, or a fellow commuter on the train to work, instead of averting eye contact and keeping necessary interaction efficient, consider who you might engage in a deeper relationship. At first, you might think the only thing you have in common is a zip code, but proximity can be a powerful force in friendship.
Whether it be a neighbor, a barista at your favorite coffee shop, or a fellow parent at soccer practice, be mindful of the people you come in contact with, and consider who you might engage in a deeper relationship.

While there are many benefits to diversifying our friendships, the ultimate reason is that it teaches us to love others like He did—unconditionally and indiscriminately. And when we love others not as “projects” or potential converts or friends in high places, but with the love Jesus modeled, our circle of friends begins to look less like the segregated cafeteria of days gone past, and more like the Kingdom.

This article has been updated from an original version that ran in 2013.

Christian books for men focus more on avoiding women than interacting with them. Sadly, there is little room for fellowship within the Church between men and women when women are more often talked about as potential stumbling blocks than as sisters in Christ.

“A woman is at her best when she is being a woman,” John Eldredge, author of Wild At Heart (2001) says. Being a woman, according to Eldredge, is about being “more seductive than fierce” and using one’s beauty to “arouse” and captivate men. Eldredge believes that the most important question for women is, “Am I lovely?” He concludes that women would rather be valued for their beauty than their efficiency, independence or service to others. This view starkly contrasts the often referenced “Proverbs 31 woman,” who is characterized by her mercy to the poor, her strength and her desire to fear God over being charming or beautiful (Proverbs 31:20, 25, 30‑31).

Eldredge quotes the poet William Blake who said, “The naked woman’s body is a portion of eternity too great for the eye of man” and he holds up Ruth as an example of godly womanhood, summarizing the biblical story as one where Ruth seduces Boaz in order to secure his favor.

So what does Ruth do? She seduces him. . . . Ruth takes a bubble bath and puts on a knockout dress; then she waits for the right moment. . . . This is seduction pure and simple—and God holds it up for all women to follow when he not only gives Ruth her own book in the Bible but also names her in the genealogy. I’m telling you that the Church has really crippled women when it tells them that their beauty is vain and they are at their feminine best when they are “serving others.” 

A woman is at her best when she is being a woman. Boaz needs a little help getting going and Ruth has some options. She can badger him: all you do is work, work, work. Why won’t you stand up and be a man? She can whine about it: Boaz, pleeease hurry up and marry me. She can emasculate him: I thought you were a real man; I guess I was wrong. Or she can use all she is as a woman to get him to use all he’s got as a man. She can arouse, inspire, energize. . . . Seduce him. Ask your man what he prefers.

While Eldredge praises the beauty of women, purity rhetoric often depicts female beauty as a threat. Instead of encouraging men to view women as sisters, authors of Every Man’s Battle (2000), Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, talk about how it is impossible to “eliminate attractive women,” so they must instead “get zapped” by a man’s metaphorical “clicker.”

What they mean is that men should quickly avert their eyes when faced with visual temptation, but their language brings to mind the image of a buzzing, iridescent lantern that singes any bugs that fly too close. With so little advice offered to men about how to interact with women other than to avoid or “zap” them, women begin to resemble mosquitoes more than image bearers of God.

Although fighting sexual lust is biblical, depicting women as obstacles to and rewards for purity rather than as fellow image bearers of God is not. I asked Paul, a single Christian, his thoughts about how sexual purity is discussed in the Church. He said, 

“I don’t think the idea that women are sexual objects was ever effectively refuted, since it was never replaced with an alternative approach to women. In fact, I think simply telling us not to lust almost affirmed the idea that women are sexual objects. But perhaps the biggest issue was not what was taught but simply that the topic was not discussed enough, not meaningfully anyway. Only in a token and shamed away.”

“How will you talk to your son about lust in a way that affirms the dignity and value of women?” I asked him.

“I will tell my son that lust is deceitful. Lust tells you that sexual gratification is fulfilling, but there is no such thing as sexual gratification from an object. If you treat women like objects, you won’t find satisfaction in that. Sexuality is about vulnerability and acceptance. You can only find those things in a person you respect. And respect doesn’t mean treat politely and gentlemanly. Respect means that you think of the other person as being as much a person as you are.”

Christine Gardner, author of Making Chastity Sexy, remembers hearing a call for men to respect women at one of the Pure Freedom events she attended, but notes that it seemed like a disconnected, “eleventh-hour” attempt in a day that focused almost entirely on male lust. Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (2001), stands out in his focus on women as “created in the image of God” and admits that he used to view women as “nothing more than objects to satisfy [his] desire,” but when he gave up dating, he learned how to value women beyond their physical attractiveness and what they could do for him. In general, though, the value of all women is not a main focus in purity teachings for men.

Proactive Versus Reactive Strategies

Books like Every Man’s Battle reinforce lust as the problem, and rules like [Billy] Graham’s make avoiding women the solution. Christian writer Katelyn Beaty acknowledges that men who practice the Billy Graham rule likely do so with good motives, believing that “it’s better to limit interacting with women altogether than open the door to temptation.” However, she also points out that this way of dealing with sexual sin elevates “personal purity” above the biblical command to love our neighbors. Instead of teaching men to avoid women, a proactive strategy for battling sexual lust urges men to see women as neighbors.

Long-term solutions to the problem of sexual sin and abuse are not accomplished, as Redeeming Sex author Debra Hirsch, points out, by “imposing distance between men and women.” Though there are times when a Christian must flee sexual temptation, like Joseph did from Potiphar’s wife in Genesis 39, Christians must focus on proactive rather than reactive strategies. The problem of lust, as with any sin, must be discussed in light of the fact that Christians were created for community.

The apostle Peter calls Christians to “love one another earnestly from a pure heart” (1 Peter 1:22 ESV). If women are to be viewed as whole persons, the male gaze must be addressed holistically. The problem of male lust is not solved by looking away from women, but by looking at them correctly—as more than their physical bodies, the temptations they pose or the sexual satisfaction they provide. They must learn to see them as sisters, image bearers and coheirs of the kingdom of God.

Adapted from Talking Back to Purity Culture by Rachel Joy Welcher. Copyright (c) 2020  by Rachel Joy Welcher. Published by InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL. www.ivpress.com.

If you’re trying to spend less time stressing and save more money, here are a few date ideas that won’t set you back a dime and will still make memories.

1. Car-less drive-in

As drive-in theaters become less common, a piece of Americana slips into oblivion. Recreate the fun Mom and Dad encountered by hauling a DVD player and a projector out to the backyard on a starry night with a blanket and some bug spray. The neighbors might think it strange, but you’ll have a blast.

2. Have a romantic meal — wherever you want!

Eat dinner at home. Later, go out for Krispy Kreme or Dunkin’ Donuts. Stop at the ice cream shop. Just get a snack together, which is definitely cheaper than a whole meal. Or instead of going out late, get up before sunrise and go out for breakfast. The point is that you’re sharing a delicious meal with someone you really care about.

3. Spend an evening at the library

Incredibly enough, the United States is full of huge buildings full of books that are absolutely free for you to peruse and enjoy at your leisure. Usually, heading to the library is a solitary adventure, but there’s no reason it has to be. For most people, books are a huge part of their lives and development. Take your partner to a library and peruse books from your formative years together. Find passages from copies of books like A Wrinkle in Time, The Chronicles of Narnia and Kindred that moved you and read them to each other. Or go back even further, to books like Where the Wild Things Are and Goodnight, Moon. The only thing better than a walk down memory lane is a date on memory lane.

4. Get wild

The admission fee at your local zoological park is probably less expensive than you may think. You can spend the whole day watching the monkeys pick lice out of each other’s heads, or you can just walk around and enjoy the landscaping. The wild animals can lead to some pretty interesting conversations, and conversation can help you get to know each other better—which is why you are dating, right?

5. Stargazing

Need we say more?

6. Coffeeshop it

Live music and poetry readings, with a three-dollar cover and a two-dollar cappuccino, is quite romantic. You can sit there all night. Just drink slowly. It’s a great atmosphere: calm and laid back, and perfect for conversation. If they have an open mic night, write a silly love song or poem and surprise your date with a performance. Even if you have no talent, the sentiment of making a fool out of yourself to say, “I love you,” is very romantic.

7. Look at old stuff

Go to a museum. They are inexpensive or free. Spend some time walking through the exhibits, and talk about it. Talk quietly, though, or they will kick you out. History has a very romantic appeal to it. While the dinosaur bones may not be that romantic, spend some time in the medieval section and talk about chivalry. Or look at the World War 2 section and find some pictures of love-hungry sailors, and then take turns making love-hungry faces at each other (but seriously, don’t do this—you will be mocked, and deservedly so).

So, whether you want to be married or not, here are some ways to live with intention and passion in your single years, straight from the hearts of fellow men and women we interviewed who have been—or still are—in your shoes.

Serve Those Around You

“I invested myself into a small group of teenage girls,” one millennial says about her single years. Another shared about volunteering at a juvenile correctional facility, and another about how she “lended [her]self out to married couples by helping with their kids.” While our culture prizes self-care and self-indulgence, the reality is that serving is one of the clearest pathways to joy and true fulfillment. 

As one interviewee said: “I have gotten more than I ever could have given through serving.” An additional bonus? When you serve in your church and invest in the families, kids and teens around you, it might start feeling easier to understand your role as central to the body of Christ—because that’s exactly what you are.

Don’t put off doing what you’re dreaming about.

Of the singles that we talked with, the happiest ones all shared one common trait: They did what they were dreaming about, even if that meant doing it without the spouse they originally hoped to have. One millennial shared about spending a summer in Spain working during her single years. Another talked about earning an MBA; several started and finished other graduate degrees. Another wrote about “traveling across the world,” and another about starting a business. One even trained to become a wilderness instructor!

You don’t need to be married to travel, become an entrepreneur or learn new skills. You can do those things now; you should do those things now. Grab a friend or go solo—but whatever you do, don’t put off doing something you love until you’ve wed. Life is happening right now, and we don’t get our days back. 

Get smart about finances.

Aim to be intentional about how you spend your money now and you can reap the rewards later. If you’ve got expendable income, consider putting most of it aside for now rather than spending it all and wishing you had more later. One millennial saved wisely and was able to purchase a home at the age of 24, while another shared how she put a lot into retirement savings.

“Had I stayed single, I would have turned it into a down payment on a house, but now that I’m approaching motherhood, it’s good to have a solid nest egg,” she said. A little foresight now can make the years ahead—whether you’re single or married—a little smoother if you’ve been saving and investing wisely in your early working years. 

Trust that God has His best for you in mind right now.

If you’re single and you don’t want to be, it can be hard to reconcile your current life with the one you thought you would (or “should”) have instead. But God has promised us that “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

He is working out the circumstances in your life for good, right now, even if you can’t see it right now. One millennial—a single mother in her early 30s—shared that she had “two different journeys being single: one journey trying to find someone and one journey accepting my role as a single mom. The latter is much better!”

Time and time again, the people we interviewed shared that they are aiming to live life intentionally and purposefully now, and that even in the midst of being unsure about the future and even longing for a spouse, they are experiencing genuine joy in their current lives. That’s because they’re choosing to live by trusting Christ with their future. As one person said, “I want to live, not wait.” We believe that’s what God wants for all of us, too.

God loves marriage, and for most Christians who are single, God has a special someone in mind just for you. While I believe in the sovereignty of God, I believe the way God leads us to our spouse is often times way more practical than most Christians expect.

In fact, you can think about the future details of all this so much, you can build unhelpful expectations in your mind that hinder the practical side of meeting, dating and marrying the one God has for you.

If you are ready to be more intentional in your search, here are seven common unhelpful expectations that could be poisoning your chances at meeting your future spouse.

He has to have the same Christian story as I do.

In theory, Christians typically fall into one of two categories: either “I grew up in a Christian home” or “I became a Christian later in life” category. When we meet someone at church for the first time, it’s all too easy to make that snap judgment after hearing when their spiritual birth date was.

Subconsciously, we typically gravitate towards people with similar backgrounds as ours.

If you were the pastor’s daughter, you might be looking for a pastor’s son. If your testimony is pretty standard, you probably have not opened yourself to being with someone who was saved out of a drug addiction.

But if you only consider men and women who are “older Christians” or “younger Christians,” you are drastically limiting your options. A guy who’s been saved for three years might be leaps and bounds more mature than the apathetic guy who grew up in a Christian home.

She has to share my theology.

When you’re a Christian, it’s impossible not to fantasize about what your future spouse’s walk with Jesus will be like. There’s nothing wrong with imagining how the two of you will love waking up early to pour over thick theology books read in most seminaries.

But the reality is, your future spouse might not have the same theological flavor as you. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain doctrines that all serious Christians should not bend on. But to shut down all possibilities of dating someone just because they are not reformed enough or charismatic enough will definitely cause you to miss out on meeting some really cool people.

If someone really loves Jesus and values the word of God, but doesn’t fit perfectly into your theological expectations, don’t feel guilty about going on a date or two to feel them out.

We have to have a great story for how we met.

One of the most common ways to slow down your chances of finding a future spouse is by death gripping how you think the two you will meet. Some people love the idea of marrying an awesome friend. Other people feel like blind dates are the most romantic thing ever.

Odds are that you gravitate toward whatever suits your personality best. If you are on the shy side, you’ve probably just assumed you would become friends with someone and eventually fall in love. If you are a bit more outgoing by nature, your ears probably perk up when your friend talks about a guy at church she thinks would be good for you.

Don’t force yourself into thinking you’ll find your future spouse in one specific way. Do what comes natural at first. But if it isn’t working, don’t be afraid to go out of your comfort zone.

He has to look exactly like this.

Okay, this may seem a little obvious. But just because we all know we shouldn’t judge people their looks doesn’t mean we don’t still do it.

Everyone has their attractions. You might be more attracted to girls with blond hair compared to brunettes. You might like stocky men more than skinnier guys.

If you’re a guy, you may want a girl shorter than you and if you’re a girl, you may want a guy taller than you.

We should all marry someone we are attracted to, but first impressions can be deceiving. You’d be surprised at how attracted you can be to someone simply because they make you laugh, listen well or are really good conversationalists.

Attraction can grow the more you know someone. So try getting to know the person first before claiming you just aren’t attracted to him or her.

She has to make a certain amount of money.

We all grow up in a certain economic class. This will cause you to either be more comfortable with how you grew up or it may make you want to live totally different than how you grew up.

While it’s a huge blessing to marry someone with the same financial goals as you, assuming you will marry someone with a high-paying job is a recipe for disaster.

Of course you should never settle, but if you find someone you love and who really loves you back, you’ll find a happiness no money can buy.

I’ll never try online dating.

Online dating is still relatively new. Most people looking for marriage in 2016 grew up as online dating was just beginning, so it’s a scenario most people rarely imagine.

I’ve never talked to someone who said, “I always dreamed of meeting my spouse through an online dating website.”

If you’re the type of person who tells his friends, “There’s just no one to date around here,” then online dating might be just right for you.

Just remember, you want God to direct your search for a spouse. There’s nothing inherently sinful about online dating or holy about traditional dating.

What counts is that you are walking with God through the process. Pray about it and do what you feel God is leading you to do, even if you didn’t expect to take that route.

We have to enjoy all the same hobbies.

“My future spouse needs to love to hike.”
“I need to marry a bookworm like me.”
“I can’t stand people who watch Seinfeld.”
“If she hates video games it’s just not going to happen between us.”

It’s fair to want to be with someone who enjoys the same stuff you do, but be careful not to look for an adventure buddy rather than a future spouse.

Hobbies come and go.

Look for someone you are comfortable doing life with rather than someone who runs ultra-marathons or kayaks like you. It’s a bonus if she likes that stuff, but you may sell that kayak when you realize you need to make room in the garage.

Expectations are part of the fun. But don’t poison your chances of finding a spouse by overloading your checklist. Define what’s really most important to you, be open to God’s leading and think outside the box.

Now, if you are married, you would know the following truth: being in a relationship and being married are two very distinct stages of life–on so many levels. I mean, that’s not rocket science in itself. Things change and all of a sudden it might matter a whole lot if you clean your mess up today or tomorrow or you put your toothbrush back in the same place as before. Things that before were yours only to decide are now a compromise between you and your spouse to make things work. I think you get it by now. Change is inevitable. I mean at least for my wife, and I because we didn’t live together before we got married.

However, one of the things I’ve recently discovered is that there is one thing in relationships, not just in marriage or in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but in every single relationship on the planet that is not up for discussion. One specific thing with the power to break years and years of love between two people, life-long friendships or just a random conversation for 15 minutes with a random stranger you’ve never met before but somehow ended up in contact with. One thing.

That thing is called PRIDE.

Pride is not something you can say “yes” or “no” to, obviously. Nobody wants to be prideful. But the thing about pride is that it creeps in your life, your words, your brain and your actions every day. Every day. On some level. I’ll go as far as saying I guarantee it. But the funny thing, or maybe even the worst, is that you (myself as well!) probably don’t even see it coming when it’s sneaking up behind you. And then all of a sudden it’s gotten a hold of you. Just like that.

In your words in a conversation with your mom: “I don’t need you to tell me what to do. This is my life. Your past mistakes are not for me to learn from. It was YOUR mistakes. I got this.”

In your thoughts about your co-worker trying to teach you something: “Don’t you try to teach me something – I’ve been at this company 7 years longer than you. Who do you think you are?”

In your actions toward your spouse: “He better come and apologize to me. I’m not taking the first step. He started the fight and is being totally unreasonable.”

And I’m sure you could find at least 10 other situations where pride has been a factor, when you think about it. Right? Either consciously or unconsciously. And the thing is, when it’s consciously, we don’t want to admit it, so we become prideful of actually being prideful. When we consciously act out of pride it’s a literal statement, because that means we acknowledge it’s there but won’t give it up for the sake of humility. That’s bad.

When it’s unconscious, it’s actually worse because that’s when it’s visible to people without us even realizing it. We are bringing our very own personality to the table not knowing what we actually brought with us. Talk about the elephant in the room, huh?

And I tell you this. Pride is one of the biggest reasons, if not the biggest, for isolation, distance and disconnection for people today. Not just a specific age group. For all people–no question about it. It simply removes love, openness, closeness and intimacy from the equation of relationships. The question really isn’t whether or not pride exists in our lives; it’s more “in how many aspects of our lives?”

The reason we put on our ugly pride-masks is to make cover-ups. On our flaws. On our shortcomings. On our selfish actions.

It’s actually a self-defense mechanism to hide your fear of stepping out of your comfort zone and into a new, but unknown job situation, to keep people from finding out about your critical financial situation because it’s “too embarrassing to talk about” or perhaps to hide your vulnerability after losing your boyfriend/girlfriend for the last four years.

The examples are never-ending, but you could probably think of one situation within the last couple of days where pride has been your response to people actually caring for you, wanting to get to know you better, asking about your family, sending you a text to see if you needed company because they just heard you got diagnosed with cancer. But no. Pride came creeping back again.

”Pride is the mask of one’s own faults.” – unknown

So how do we “fix” this problem? Well, I’m not saying it’s a simple process but the answer is simple in itself. To use words like “I’m sorry. It was my fault” or “Can we talk? I need some advice and I thought you could help me” or “I’m willing to learn from you despite of our age difference” or simply saying “Please forgive me.” Humility is always the best way forward. Always. Even when it involves looking vulnerable, broken or even weak. I tell you, my friend.

At least these are some of the words I’ve started to use in my marriage. And can I tell you a secret? It works. It actually does work to say, “I’m sorry”. It re-establishes intimacy, it brings love back into the equation and it gives us a new standard for our relationship.

Bring these words back to your family relationships, your marriage or your friendships. It’s the best thing you can do today.

That’s what one newlywed couple said to my wife and me during dinner one night. I may have exchanged a glance with my wife at the time, but I don’t remember thinking it was a big deal.

Boy, was I wrong.

The couple proceeded to bicker, make passive-aggressive jabs at one another, and all but physically accost each other during the rest of the evening—really giving new meaning to the phrase “game night.”

To be fair, they may have just been having an off night but I sure didn’t forget it. If you want to have a healthy relationship, it’s not about whether or not you fight. Given enough time, every couple fights in some form or fashion.

What sets healthy couples apart is the way in which they fight. Research even suggests that the way in which you fight affects your chances of getting a divorce.

If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you’ve likely experienced exactly how damaging a poorly handled fight can be. When I was a newlywed, I had no clue how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. I would hold all my feelings inside until they festered and either oozed out in the form of bitterness or exploded out in anger. Clearly not good strategies.

It took me years to replace the destructive strategies I brought into marriage with healthy strategies for resolving conflict. In hopes of helping those who, like I was, are clueless as to how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, I’ve put together five of the most practical lessons I’ve learned over my eight amazing years of marriage.

1. Take a Minute

All the bad stuff happens when you get too upset.

Talk to your significant other about when a timeout is appropriate and agree on parameters. You might not need parameters; however, if you’re like me, you gravitate toward using timeout as a “get out of jail free” card (“Just another three hours, honey, and then I’ll be good”).

Once you agree on using timeouts, you then have to learn to watch your own emotional dashboard to know when you need a time out. This can be harder than you think. You’ll know your timeout is effective if at the end of it, you are calm enough to be able to pray together.

2. Recognize Context

Bringing up the wet towel that was left with abandon on the bed (again)? Perfectly fine. Bringing it up after a 13-hour road trip? Not cool.

Recognize the context of your circumstances and know when you need to table an issue or at least go into the issue recognizing that you aren’t at the best place to deal with conflict.

If you’re like me, you also have to be careful not to use this to wait for the absolute “perfect time” to bring up an issue (“Mars and Jupiter are aligned and we just won the lottery … I can finally bring up that hurtful ‘the 90s called and wants my cargo shorts back’ joke”).

3. Assume the Best

This is the only advice I give to newlyweds because it was by far the best I ever received. I can interpret my wife’s “Did you wash the car?” as her nagging me or as her genuinely trying to understand if it has been done.

If I assume she is nagging me, bad things will follow. But, if I assume the best and think, for example, that she is trying to plan out her day, I avoid hurting her and possibly causing a fight. Always, always assume the best and you will not only communicate love and trust to your significant other but you will also avoid a number of fights.

4. Swallow the Bitter Pill

When you’re the one who messes up, you are faced with two choices:

1) You can defend what you did, and push blame away from yourself by pointing out other issues—all just so you don’t have to stomach the idea that you hurt people and “failed.”

2) Or, you can do something extremely hard and just swallow the bitter pill. You screwed up and hurt others. Once you do this, you stop causing more harm by fighting about it and you can then empathize and apologize which is what our significant others wants and needs from us anyways.

In my experience, admitting that I’m wrong is often less harmful than escalating a fight by denying, distracting or defending my actions.

5. Look Past the Surface and Address the Deeper Issue

This is the absolute game-changer when it comes to resolving conflict. If your fight has some emotional fuel behind it, it’s likely because you’re actually fighting about something deeper.

It took me years to be able to both recognize when we were fighting about a deeper issue and then speak directly to the underlying issue. The trouble is that we can get so caught up with the surface issue that we can miss the real issue altogether.

Is your wife upset about the wet towel left on the bed or, really, is she upset because it feels like you don’t care about her enough to consider her simple request?

As the new year begins and people’s determination to make this their last year of singleness is renewed, dating apps are swarmed with new, shiny (and not so shiny, in many cases) dating profiles. Some may be re-entering the dating pool for the first time in a long time. Others may have been swimming in the deep end for a while. Either way, you’re diving into uncharted waters, which means you need to be on high alert about who and why you’re swiping.

As a licensed counselor and the author of some of our favorite relationship books, Deb Fileta understands the relationship game about as well as anyone. She talked to RELEVANT about what people preparing to get out there and find the one need to be mindful of.

This conversation has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

In the last 10 years, how have you seen, or have you seen the way people in this country, in our culture, think about dating relationships change, shift? 

The current dating focus is almost like shopping. We go on Amazon, we’re scrolling through what I want and what I need, and we almost have a tendency to view relationships in that same way because it’s the same gesture. I’m swiping, I’m reading up, I’m clicking. It’s like a consumer approach to relationships. 

But the problem with that mentality is it doesn’t do justice to the equation of a healthy relationship. The equation of a healthy relationship is that when you’re healthy, you attract healthy relationships, because you’re 50 percent of the equation. But the focus these days is so much on what I can get, rather than who am I when I’m standing alone? How healthy am I standing alone? The word relationship means how we relate to people, right? How we engage with people. But a huge portion of how we relate has to do with how healthy we are, right? 

Emotionally healthy, mentally healthy, spiritually healthy. How do I relate to the world? What patterns do I bring to the world of relationships? Am I stuck in cycles of unhealthy relationships? And so it’s important to take inventory of the fact that we tend to have that consumeristic approach. 

So do you think the apps are just bad?

The apps are not bad at all. If I was single right now, I would be on the apps. It is the most convenient way to meet people right now. Especially in 2021, where else are you going to meet people, right?

Yeah, waiting in line to get your vaccination isn’t the most romantic setting. 

The platform is not the enemy. Just like years ago, they used to say dating was the enemy. Nobody’s saying kiss the apps goodbye. These things are good. 

But when we’re healthy and when we are at a good place, understanding who we are, what we have to offer, what we need to work on, then, we approach these apps, these online platforms and online relationships in the best way possible.

It starts with stepping back and really taking an inventory of how healthy I am. It’s really more about the why that you’re doing things, your underlying motivation, rather than just the what of what you’re doing, you know?

How do you do that? It’s very difficult to have an honest self-assessment of how things are going on inside of you, even for people who are fairly high functioning. 

Having community is so helpful. Not just any community. Honest community who are going to speak into your life and reflect how you’re doing. If you don’t have a friend who you can sit down with and say, “Hey, what do you think I’m struggling with? What do you think I need to work on?” then you’re missing an important aspect of health.

Another thing to remember is that emotional health, mental health, this isn’t stuff you’re born knowing how to do. You’ve got to develop and train and practice. Everything from books to podcasts, to therapy, I mean, this is a process of being intentional about getting healthy. Just like if you wanted to take up cooking, you’re going to learn everything you need to know about it. You’re going to read books. You’re going to go online, look at blogs, listen to podcasts. Maybe even take a class or two. Why do we assume that this process of emotional health is just going to happen?

You’ve got to be an active participant in the process. Maybe that means a season of therapy. I would recommend a season of therapy before you start dating, just to be on top of things and just to get an idea of your past patterns and habits. 

And then, the third thing I would recommend is journaling. There is so much power in expressive writing and facing your thoughts, putting them down on paper, being a witness to what’s going on in your head by writing it down. It helps you track the process of healing, it helps you track how you do relationships. We have a tendency to forget if we don’t write things down. 

Expressive writing has been proven in research to be a helpful part of the process, but it’s just such an important way of getting things out and keeping track of your personal journey and where you’re at and how you’re doing.

Last question. How do you know when you’ve found the one?

I think the question, in and of itself, sets you up for a lot of confusion. You’re just out there looking for this one right relationship, and putting so much pressure, so many expectations on a relationship that, at the end of the day, isn’t going to be perfect. 

There’s no such thing as a soulmate, someone who can complete your heart and soul. We have to back up and have healthy expectations of what we’re even looking for. When we’re talking about finding someone, we need to start reframing the conversation. It’s not finding the one, it’s finding someone who’s a good match for your life.

I like to think of human beings kind of like puzzle pieces. You’re not going to find somebody who is exactly like you, but there are people who fit your life, and there are people who don’t fit your life. In order to know whether or not someone fits your life, you’ve got to know yourself first. I’ve got to understand my shape, I’ve got to understand my colors, because if I don’t understand who I am, everything from my lifestyle to my faith, my morals and values, my culture that I come from, my lifestyle, if I don’t understand what I bring to the table of relationships, I’m not going to know if someone’s a good fit for me or not.

And what you see end up happening today is, these people who are just grasping whatever random puzzle piece they could find and just trying to force fit it to their life. But what do you end up with? Brokenness. 

It hurts when you try to force somebody into your life that isn’t a good match. How do you know if somebody is a good match? You start by getting to know who you are standing alone, and what you need in a relationship, what your triggers are, what works for you and what doesn’t work for you, what your personality is like. If you don’t really have a grasp of those things, you’re not going to have a good understanding when somebody, literally, is not a good match for you.

Once you find that person, you’re done. You’ve won. Because this person is perfect. Not truly perfect — we all know that nobody is perfect — but this person is perfect for you, just as you are perfect for them. They are your “soul mate.” And because of this “match made in heaven,” once you do find each other, everything will work out perfectly. The hard work is finding each other; once you find them, the relationship will be easy, because it’s a perfect fit. You’ll get married and never have conflict and always make each other happy.

I’m here to tell you this is a fairy tale. It’s a myth. In fact, the term soul mate is literally from a myth: the concept comes from an ancient story that claimed humans originally had four arms, four legs, and two faces. In this story, the mythical god Zeus cut each person in half, creating the two-legged men and women we know today — but each with only half a soul. Since each person was only one half of a whole, they were literally incomplete unless or until they found the one person on earth who was their other half — their “soulmate” who had the other half of their soul.

If you’re looking for your “soul mate,” or “the one,” or your “twin flame,” or whatever you want to call it, and you define that as being the one person on the planet who is perfect for you — you’ll never find them. They don’t exist. They’re off riding unicorns with Bigfoot.

You should be thankful for this. Although it may seem less magical or romantic, it is more hopeful. Finding “the one” can feel like a desperately difficult search — because it is.

One NASA scientist ran the numbers and determined that, if “soul mates” were real, only one person out of ten thousand would find their mate over the course of a lifetime. And that was using the most optimistic assumptions. That’s the reality of trying to find “the one.” But, there isn’t just one.

Instead, there are many “ones” available who would make a great mate for you. If you know how and where to look, the odds of finding one of the many are quite high.

Overlooking Good Options

One problem with looking for “the one” is that it can keep you single far longer than you need to be — maybe forever.

Obviously, if you’re looking for someone who doesn’t exist, you’re going to have a really hard time finding them. And when you do meet someone, even a great someone who could make a wonderful spouse, any tiny flaw or minor difference of opinion may be seen as proof that they’re not “the one” for you.

The fact is, you’ve almost certainly met multiple people who could have been a wonderful match for you, but you never gave them a chance because you were looking for mystical sign that will never come — or, if it did come, would not be trustworthy.

Ignoring Red Flags

Besides keeping you out of a relationship, the idea of “the one” can also keep you in the wrong relationship too long.

This happens whenever you become convinced you have found “the one” and start dating them. Because you think they are “the one,” the relationship likely becomes very serious very quickly. But then red flags start to appear. Maybe this person has vastly different beliefs than you do. Maybe they push you to go too far physically, or they cheat on you with someone else. Maybe they even become abusive (although you refuse to call it that). If you believe from the start that they are “the one,” the only one, the person you are destined to be with for life, then you are vastly more likely to overlook such things.

You’ll ignore your friends and family when they all say that your boyfriend or girlfriend is no good for you and you should break up with them. After all, how can you break up if you’re meant to be together? And if you leave the only one for you, doesn’t that mean there would be no one left? If you say goodbye to “the one,” doesn’t that mean you’ll now be single forever?

The real answer to those questions, of course, is that there is no magical “one,” and so you are free to break up with (and should break up with) anyone you are dating who proves they would not make a good spouse.

But believing in this “soul mate” fairy tale can keep you stuck in some very bad dating relationships and lead to a very un-fairy- tale ending. In those situations, the best-case scenario is that you do eventually come to your senses and choose to break up (or get broken up with), but at the cost of lost time, pain, disappointment, and likely some other consequences as well.

Setting Unrealistic Expectations

The idea of “the one” can also cause you to be unhappy in a good relationship due to the unrealistic expectations it creates. There’s been research about this problem, based on the effects of watching romantic comedies.

Psychologists found that the idea of “the one,” which is a prevalent theme in rom coms, causes people to think that relationships should be easy. For example, they found that people believed that their spouse or “soul mate” should be able to know what they were thinking without having to say it out loud.

This led to communication problems in their relationships since people basically didn’t communicate at all and then got upset when the other person couldn’t read their minds. People also believed that once they found the “right” person, a long-term relationship with them should be easy and not require ongoing work.

The impression people get is that the hard part’s over when it’s the relationship that requires sacrifice and work.

The result, then, is that people get dissatisfied with a real, lifelong relationship. When they realize their spouse isn’t perfect, marriage takes work to be successful, and the initial spark fades away, they see this as evidence that the person they married is not “the one” after all, because if they were “the one,” the relationship would be easy and exciting and perfect.

They become disillusioned and lose interest. And then, when someone new comes along and they again feel that initial excitement, they think that surely this person is “the one.” They believe they made a mistake the first time and chose the wrong person. So, they have an affair and/or get a divorce so they can pursue this new “soul mate.”

So, belief in a “soul mate” can end up ruining a relationship, because you always end up searching for something else.

And even that sad process gets romanticized by Hollywood. Just think of how many movies revolve around the concept of a girl (or occasionally a guy) who is engaged to or seriously dating one person but then leaves them for someone else because this other person is “the one.” We’ve essentially redefined cheating as “romance.”

Real romance means making a commitment and then, once you are committed, sticking to it. It takes work because all relationships take work. My relationship with my own kids takes work. Even my relationship with my truck takes work, requiring regular maintenance and the occasional major repair.

It may not be magic, but it does keep everything running smoothly.

Taken from Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed by Jonathan “JP” Pokluda (Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group) © 2021. Used by permission.

So, I bring you a list of some of the key principles I’ve discovered in my dating journey.

Changed Assumptions

Your approach to dating may be all wrong. Perhaps you’re waiting for “The One,” you’re expecting someone to be plopped in your lap with little to no effort on your part, you assume you’ll hang out with someone for a few years and “see where it goes,” or you have an ideal “type” that you’re holding out for.

It’s time to change your assumptions about dating and realize that finding a life partner isn’t a mystical experience where the stars align and a light shines down from heaven. Dating is getting to know healthy but flawed people who share your values and esteem for marriage. Any number of folks could fit this bill; start looking for them.

Prayers for Guidance

Too many of us jump into dating in our own strength, assuming that our looks, smarts and/or winsome personalities will carry us through. But today’s dating culture is a flat-out mess, with hookups, “friendlationships” and self-centered priorities dominating the landscape.

If you want a relationship that goes the distance, it’s time to get on your knees. Ask God boldly for wisdom in the process. Pray for your future mate, even if you’re not dating yet. Put your heart on the line, and listen to what God says. He’s the only one who knows what’s best for you and actually has the power to do something about it.

Friends Who Love You

Dating can’t be done in a vacuum. It’s a community project. Surround yourself with a tribe of folks who are for you and your relationship future. Be open to setups from wise and discerning friends who know you well. Listen to advice—even honest rebuke. If you want to get married someday, say so. Don’t be ashamed to voice your desire to others, and let them help you get there.

Grown-Up Choices

Dating isn’t for dummies. It’s for grown-ups. If you haven’t grown up yet, you shouldn’t be dating. Now’s the time to get a full-time job, tackle your crippling debt, move out of your parents’ house, and take ownership of your responsibilities and choices.

Counseling Sessions

Don’t be afraid to get professional help when you need it. Baggage from your past, as well as current addictions and unhealthy behaviors, need to be met head-on. Find a professional counselor or pastor who can help you start processing and healing. Cycles of behavior and sin can be broken, but they don’t just go away.

New Connections

Think you’ve met every single person in your known world? Then it’s time to expand your world. Join a committee at church. Volunteer somewhere. Try out a new small group. Go to that party hosted by a friend of a friend of a friend. Give online dating a shot. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut; getting out of a rut takes effort and risk. But the risk may pay off. At the very least, you’ll make new friends and gain a few new experiences.

Willingness to Ask (or Accept)

Speaking of risks, and lest we forget, getting a date actually involves asking someone out (or accepting an ask). Are you actively considering potential people in your sphere? Are you willing to give someone a chance whom maybe you’ve written off before?

Remember, this is a date, not a marriage proposal. This isn’t about serial dating or being a player, either; this is about getting to know a variety of quality people. By making a bold ask and seeing what happens, you’re setting yourself apart from about 80 percent of your peers. Go for it.

Realistic Standards

Should you date just anyone? No. That’s a waste of time. But so is hanging on to your unrealistic list of 50 must-haves. To move into relationship with someone, you both need five things: a serious relationship with God that actually affects the way you think and live; evidence of growth in this faith—no stagnation or stall-outs; the maturity and ability to move a relationship to an end goal of marriage, a humble and teachable spirit; and a general alignment of priorities in life. Everything else is negotiable to start.

Healed Relationships

Before entering a healthy relationship, you may need to heal some other ones or dump them altogether. Still bitter toward your parents? It’s time to forgive them. Stuck in a go-nowhere relationship? Cut the cord. Pining after the guy who clearly isn’t into you? Let him go. Be relationally whole and free to look ahead with confidence and joy.

Trusted Mentors

Face it; you don’t know it all. You need people in your life to tell you what’s what. You need mentors. You also need accountability. Find mature people of the same sex (or couples) who love Jesus and are willing to tell it to you straight. Example: if you’re dating someone and all three of your mentors think he or she is a bona fide loser or leech, break off the relationship—no questions asked. When we’re into someone, we lose objectivity fast. Your mentors shouldn’t let you get away with it.

Healthy Views of Marriage

For the Christian, the ultimate goal of dating is marriage. Otherwise you’re just doing decades of pizza dates and hangouts. Lame. Date with purpose and a healthy view of marriage. Avoid these two extremes: 1) treating marriage haphazardly like a plan B or C, where it’s nothing more than a capstone to be tacked on at your convenience and according to your expectations, or 2) looking to marriage as the be-all, end all, the thing that will solve all your problems and complete you. Marriage comes with its own set of problems. But it’s also pretty awesome. Honor it at all costs (Hebrews 13:4).

Belief in a Sovereign and Good God

This is my favorite, because it’s what I cling to when I’m tempted to shake my fist at God, throw in the towel and eat three pints of Ben and Jerry’s. God’s in control. He’s not wringing His hands, wondering what to do about your love life. He’s not limited in His ability to match you with someone amazing. Best of all, He loves you unconditionally, regardless of your past mistakes and missteps. He’s a God of fresh starts and surprising stories. He is a relational God and the Creator of all relationships. He’s got this. Put your story in His hands, do your part in crafting it, and see what happens. You won’t regret it.

That’s according to a recent Generation Lab survey that found 79% of college and graduate students are steering clear of dating apps. In fact, only 12% of students said they use one at least once a month. 

Despite dating apps targeting college students with advertising and campus events, the majority of young people express a preference for genuine, face-to-face connections. 

“I feel dating apps have ruined the dating scene for many people my age and ruined their self-confidence,” said Melanie Perez, a junior at Sam Houston State University. “I’d rather meet and start as friends than use an app that’ll most likely end in hookups.”

The survey also sheds light on the shifting priorities of college students when evaluating potential partners. A notable 37% of respondents rated beliefs as the most important factor, beating out professional goals and physical appearance. Another Generation Lab poll revealed that most college students wouldn’t consider dating someone with opposing political views, highlighting the significance of shared values in modern relationships.

So what are dating apps doing to try and bring a once-major demographic back to the apps? Implementing baffling subscription options. 

This week Tinder launched its premium subscription service, Tinder Select, priced at an eye-popping $499 per month. The company claims the subscription offers the “best of Tinder,” such as sending messages without matching and access to the most desired profiles.

However, the online response has been overwhelmingly negative, with users questioning the value of such a premium service. YouTuber Marques Brownless asked, “How down bad do you gotta be? At this point just get an escort.”

It seems the future of dating might be less about swipes and perks, and more about genuine, in-person connections.

In other words, marriage is not an institution for the faint of heart or weak of spirit. So what if you’ve met the partner of your dreams, and the two of you are beginning to talk about the “M” word? It’s important to know if you’re truly prepared to tie the knot and give your best toward a healthy, happy marriage for decades to come.

But how do you know when you’re ready, let alone when your partner is? Here are five signs to look for.

Despite what’s depicted in pop culture, you realize that love is not all you need.

My husband and I recently went out to dinner with a friend. As I sat across the table from him, listening to our friend talk, I had a chance to study my husband’s face. To take in how it’s changed over the years and how it’s stayed the same. To note that the sparkle of his eyes far surpasses the tiredness that surrounds them, but that there is in fact a tiredness there that wasn’t before.

We have three kids. A mortgage. Obligations and medical concerns and no time to speak complete sentences to one another. And while these things have occasionally rocked us to our marital core, nothing has ever undone the dedication and loyalty we feel towards one another. Note I didn’t say the “love” we feel; the stresses of life and tediousness of daily living have a way of masking the pheromones and dopamine in which love’s first seeds are sown.

In the years when jobs are changing and becoming more demanding, kids are tugging at your arm and money never seems to be quite enough, a fluttery heart won’t cut it: you’ll need the infamous “help meet” for your marriage to make it to the golden years. Look for signs of meeting the help meet standard in both yourself and your partner.

If you find either or both of you lacking, you should probably wait a bit longer before sealing the deal.

You understand who you are, but also realize that you will change over the years.

I was “old” when my husband and I married, and he was “young”—we’re only a few years apart, but a few years can make a world of difference when it comes to marriage.

I surprised myself in the early years of our marriage with my somewhat inflexible dedication to the routine I had established in my single years. And in more recent years, I’ve been surprised—happily, I might add—at the unexpected person my husband has grown into being. My point? Who you are today is not necessarily who you’ll be five years from now.

And—surprise!—this is true of your partner as well. This is one reason some folks say it’s better to wait until your 30s to get married. Get married too young, and who you are may change dramatically enough over the years to wreck your marriage. Get married too old, however, and you may be too set in your ways. There are pros and cons to each side of the age debate, but what remains true no matter one’s age is that you must not take yourself too seriously.

Life will change you, and it will change your future spouse. Are you willing to accept that and commit to growing together?

You’ve learned the art of compromise.

Compromise is necessary in every aspect of a life lived together, from whose turn it is to build a career while the other watches the kids to what series you’ll spend the next month binge-watching on Netflix. If you’re still insisting on getting your way, or pouting when you don’t, you still have some work to do.

Of course, you can learn about compromise during the course of a marriage (like I did), but entering into a marriage with this trait firmly under your belt will make your lives together easier from the start. Thankfully, the wedding-planning process usually provides a great opportunity to find out a person’s ability to compromise!

You listen to your elders.

Like it or not, those who raised us and have lived through things we haven’t, tend to know what they’re talking about. Not always, of course, but often enough that we should listen far more than ignore. When those folks tell you what to look out for—both good and bad—in a partner and in preparation for life, if you find yourself thinking, “Yes, but we’ll be different,” you’ve just uncovered a surefire sign that you’ve not yet attained attributes one through three.

This isn’t a criticism—we’ve all felt that way at one time or another. The fact of the matter, however, is that marriages—and people—tend to follow the same patterns over time, and encounter the same stumbling blocks. And those who have known us the longest—those who raised us—know us better than we like to think they do. Take their advice with a grain of salt if you want to, but do take it.

You understand that there is no such thing as being “ready” for marriage.

Now that you’ve read items one through four, please disregard them. No matter how well-prepared you think you are, or anyone else tells you that you are or aren’t, there is simply no way one can truly be “ready” for marriage. That’s because marriage, like life, is unpredictable, uncontrollable and dependent on not just your actions and preparedness, but the actions and preparedness of another.

There no way to know for sure that your spouse won’t decide he or she is going to no longer live out the vows you made to one another. There’s not even a way to know that you won’t. Similarly, even if you think you’re prepared for the rough and tumble of life, trust me when I say you aren’t. I’m not either, and neither is the marriage “expert” calling to you from the Christian section of your local bookstore.

It’s true that these readiness tips focus on the negative aspects of marriage rather than the positive. That’s because we are all prepared to live long, healthy, happy lives, but far fewer of us are ready to live in union with another during the hard times—the times of sickness instead of health, poverty instead of wealth.

Whether you marry at 18 or 80, a curveball will come your way. All anyone can do is take necessary steps to be better prepared, not perfectly prepared. These steps might include pre-marital counseling, mentorship with a couple who has lived in the martial trenches and lived to tell the tale, seeking wisdom and strength through prayer (both individually and as a couple), and talking to your partner about the inevitabilities of life and seeing how that conversation goes.

If too many things are shrugged off, or arguments ensue, slow down and reassess. If all goes well, well then congratulations! You might just be ready to take the next step.

Editor’s note: A version of this article initially appeared in 2017. 

While we were dating, Jeremy and I won the virginity battle, but we lost the purity battle, so to speak. Sure, we saved the actual act of intercourse for marriage — and we’re so thankful we did — but that’s not even half the battle.

I think Christians especially tend to overvalue virginity and undervalue purity. Purity is less about refraining from one act and more about honoring the other person’s mind, heart and body as you progress toward marriage. It’s recognizing that until the day they become your spouse, they do not belong to you, nor you to them. And it’s honoring the person who is to be their spouse one day (whether or not that might be you!) and not creating confusion or stirring up feelings that will cloud judgment as you discern whether you will be each other’s partner for life.

If you’re reading this and your sexual past has left you feeling shame, guilt, dirty or impure, let these words from Mary Pickford sink in: “You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

When it comes to purity, you can choose a fresh start too. When Jer and I messed up, we didn’t give in to the rest of our desires because it was “too late.” We started over each day. If you have ever worried it’s “too late,” hear this: God desires to wash you white as snow (Isaiah 1:18) and to create a new heart and renew a right spirit within you (Psalm 51:10). He delights in making you blameless and pure, without fault or blemish and free from guilt and shame (Philippians 2:15).

God’s grace makes the purity battle not about what you did with your body but about what He did with His. If you repent, forgiveness is yours, purity is yours, wholeness is yours. And in case you’re hearing this for the first time, I need to make one thing clear. There is nothing you or I can do to earn this gift of grace. We simply get to receive it and allow it to transform our lives. As Jer and I learned to make purity the focus in our dating relationship rather than virginity, we came up with some practical boundaries.

For example, setting an alarm for when we would say goodbye for the night, finding a friend or mentor who would hold us accountable (and tell them when we would be spending time with each other, particularly at night), not lying down together when watching movies, not watching anything with nudity (together or separately), finding a friend to stay with rather than sleep at each other’s houses when visiting long distance and having accountability partners (not each other) around areas of pornography, screen use and relationships with friends of the opposite sex with a heart to honor God and each other.

Questions for Safeguarding Sexual Purity
If you’re dating someone who isn’t honoring and respecting God’s design for purity now, what makes you think he or she will honor and respect God’s design for purity within marriage? To all of you boyfriends or girlfriends out there, if your dating relationship is headed toward marriage, I encourage you to start asking some of these questions. Ask with curiosity, with compassion and with an open heart. These are hard questions that can be filled with shame or unveil fear, but they’re also beautiful opportunities to offer grace, forgiveness, healing and hope to begin a new chapter of your story.

• What acts of physical intimacy do you want to save for marriage?
• How were you raised to view purity?
• Have you been sexually intimate in a previous relationship? If so, how has that affected you?
• Have you ever looked at pornography or anything that has caused you to lust for another person or reality? If so, when was the last time?
• Do you have people in your life holding you accountable to resist sexual temptation?
• What can I do to help you as we pursue purity and respect in our relationships?
• Does any of this warrant seeing a counselor to guide you on the journey to health?

Wrestling with these kinds of questions will help you establish boundaries so you can win the purity battle before and after you say, “I do.”

Maybe you’re reading this and have been married for years but never asked your spouse if they struggle with pornography or what accountability and boundaries they have in place to prevent their eyes from wandering. Unfortunately, so many couples never talk about purity struggles within their marriage until someone gets hurt. Modify the list above to springboard a conversation with your spouse. Maybe you need to unfollow some accounts on social media, put away your devices past a certain time of day, limit time with a particular coworker or stop watching a particular TV show.

Sexual intimacy is a gift to be given within the context of marriage, shared between two people for the purpose of unity. We believe it is a gift to be guarded, savored and celebrated. As the saying goes, you steer where you stare. When you stare at the goodness of God, you won’t be satisfied by a counterfeit version of sexual intimacy and love. If you have stopped pursuing each other in intimate ways because of bitterness or fatigue or just life, take some time to address this and ask for forgiveness. Renew your commitment to pursue each other, and if you want some help, seek a counselor. (Counselors can be wonderful resources to move past old wounds and patterns and to write a new script, whether your marriage is in jeopardy or you just need a fresh perspective!)

I don’t know what you need to more fully pursue purity in your relationship, but I encourage you to begin the conversation with your person.

Adapted from Creative Love: 10 Ways to Build a Fun and Lasting Love by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff Copyright © January 2021 by Zondervan. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com

I’m going to teach you the same process Natalie and I taught other couples who have been burned by relationships in the past and want to try an approach that leads to finding their mates without trashing their hearts in the process. In a time when relationships become “Facebook official” overnight, you need to take time — without everybody else applying pressure or giving an opinion — to see if you’re really attracted to the other person, if your values line up and if you can help each other become who you’re meant to be. 

Wouldn’t you like a clear path to a healthy relationship? 

Take 90 days to get to know each other without pressure. Gasp! “90 days?!” Hey, it’s just three months, less than the length of a football season. That’s not such a long time to spend forming an intentional friendship, which might lead to intentional dating, which might lead to marriage, now is it? 

If you can, go through this process with advisers in the form of a trusted married couple who are wise in the ways of the Lord. The first time you meet with them, it’s like an on-ramp to a relationship. The last time you meet with them, at the end of 90 days, it’s like an off-ramp to get out of the relationship easily if it hasn’t worked out. Or else it’s like a green light to continue the journey and see where it goes. 

Discuss Your Relationship Fears

Write down your three greatest fears of being in relationship, and share them with each other. Maybe they include “getting pressured to be more physical than I want.” Or “telling my deep secrets and having you share them with your friends.” Or “not being treated like I’m important.” Or “having my hopes built up, only to have them ruined.” 

By doing this, you each know something about your expectations. You get a chance to be protective of each other’s hearts. And this vulnerability provides accountability later on. For example, if she said she wants to still be a virgin when she marries and he is pushing to have sex, that shows he doesn’t care about her values. 

Agree on Boundaries

No matter how old or how experienced you are, if you want to have a pure relationship and not create too strong of a physical tie before marriage, then you need to agree from the outset about what you will or will not do. You may be thinking, I don’t need boundaries. I’m grown. Well, so are your pain, disappointments and frustrations. Boundaries aren’t bad; they’re actually a blessing. 

These are a few rules for the road so you don’t get in an accident on the journey. 

• Set a curfew. Every date needs an ending time. Decide that one of you is always going to go home at midnight or whatever other time you agree on. 
• What’s a no go for touch? Maybe it’s hugs that last longer than thirty seconds. Or French kissing. Or whatever. Know the triggers that could take you all the way to sex. 
• What else would help? Maybe you’ll agree not to watch movies with sex scenes in them. Or not to send each other notes or texts that are too suggestive. A lot of couples agree to never chill in a horizontal position (lying down on a couch or bed), only in a vertical position. 

These kinds of boundaries may seem petty, and they’re not meant to be legalistic, but they have a way of helping people keep from succumbing to natural temptations. They create a safe place for you to learn about each other. They encourage less touching and more talking. 

Have Focused Conversations

It can be hard to make conversation when you don’t know each other well. So, read a book about relationship and discuss it. It will help you get to know each other and start sensing if you’re right for each other. 

For example, I encourage couples to read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. It will give you a peek into how the other person works and help you frame the relationship. For example, if one person loves gifts, the other one had better be prepared to open his wallet from time to time. It can also help you avoid mistakes. If somebody loves quality time and the other one loves physical touch, you’d better set strong physical boundaries because one is going to want to sit on the couch all the time and the other one is going to want to be touched — and that’s a recipe for a baby. 

After ninety days, have a conversation to see where you stand. Are you attracted to each other? Green light or red flag? 

I always encourage people to pay attention to patterns, not potential. All of us have the potential to do better in our weak areas, but can we live with each other’s patterns? For instance, she may seem flirtatious to you, but she says it’s just her personality — she’s bubbly and likes talking to everybody. Can you live with that? Transformation in this area may come eventually, but even if so, there’s no timetable on it. 

You may want to go ahead with more dating together, hopefully leading to engagement and marriage, or you may decide to call it quits. If you do decide to end it here, hopefully the breakup will happen without all the painful ripping apart that can happen when a dating couple is too tightly bonded. Instead of feeling like you lost, you can feel like you gained — you had some fun, you got to know somebody else and you picked up some relationship tools that you can use next time around. 

Your relationship goal of marriage is still alive and healthy.

You never thought you would get to this point … Your mind races back to the first moments as you scramble to figure out why and how this could have happened.

This person wasn’t you. It’s not who you are supposed to be and it certainly was never who you sought out to be.

You are convinced that he is the one. You find yourself reasoning. You justify the cost.

How do I escape this? How can I stop? You think back to the first time you crossed the line.

Every time was easier after that. You’re ashamed. You’re stuck.

You’re not alone. This is the story of many young people.

What I am about to say is for those who are struggling, lost and filled with guilt. It’s also for the young person who has never had their first kiss.

Because the truth is, no matter who you are, where you come from or what you believe—purity is one of the hardest things you will commit to do.

First, friends, please understand this: No matter your physical past, you are NOT stuck. If you want forgiveness, it’s yours. Jesus gives it freely and He has His arms wide open to envelope you in love. Please do not live in the prison of shame.

Colossians 1:14 says: “God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He’s set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.”

Before you even enter a relationship, I want you to come face-to-face with the reality of three things:

1. If you are alive in this world, you WILL be tempted with sexual sin.

2. Everything, good and bad, in a relationship starts small.

3. Without a plan, you will not succeed.

The battle of purity is the fight your flesh does not want to win.

How can we realistically save ourselves for marriage when we know the world tells us “It’s OK”?

How can we actively fight our flesh? And maybe even more important, how can we stop when we have found ourselves crossing lines we never intended to cross?

No one is immune to falling into sexual sin. I sure wasn’t. It was a battle to stay pure at every new season in my relationship with my fiancé. Waiting was hard. There is no doubt about that. But what God has for us in marriage is beautiful.

Here are six things that helped us win the battle for purity, and I know it will help you, too.

1. PUT JESUS FIRST IN YOUR LIFE.

You always hear people say, “Keep Jesus at the center of your relationship.”

But what does that actually look like? Putting Jesus at the center of your relationship will not happen unless you both are putting Him first in your own personal lives.

When you pursue a relationship with Jesus and put Him first, you are laying down your own flesh and selfish desires before you ever run into temptation. Check your heart.

How can you fight if you are spiritually running on empty?

2. KNOW YOUR “WHY.”

Why do you believe in not having sex before marriage? Do you actually know?

Genuinely ask yourself this question! It’s OK to realize that you may not have a good answer. You have identified a weak spot beforehand, now you can go find answers.

The Bible tells us very clearly why we should not have sex before marriage, but you need to seek those answers in the Word on your own so they can be real to you.

3. YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION, YOU ARE THE RULE.

We cannot allow room for any evil or even the appearance of evil. No matter what. This lie we tell ourselves is the perfect opportunity for the devil to come in.

Is it worth it? No.

Here is the truth: You are not a superhero with your ability to battle temptations, and you can’t treat yourself as such.

For instance, when my now-husband and I began dating, we made a rule that being alone in a house together was not an option. This was decided before we even kissed, so why should it matter? If we hadn’t even kissed we certainly would not be tempted to have sex.

Fast forward a year later, if we had not set that boundary early on, we could easily have fallen into temptation. I am a young woman who is capable of falling into temptation like anyone else.

Always treat yourself as the rule, never the exception and you will be helping your future self.

4. SET UNWAVERING BOUNDARIES.

A common thing I tell young people who have found themselves crossing boundaries they never thought they would cross, is to “Put the line down where it hurts.”

If you find yourself crossing boundaries in a car, maybe you need to save the kissing for when you’re out of the car. Too hard?

If something “hurts” to cut out, that can be a good indication that you need to draw a line. Boundaries can be added, but they should never be taken away.

The truth is, if you move it even a little you will find it easy to disregard your boundaries altogether. 

5. GET ACCOUNTABILITY.

Your accountability partner is not your boyfriend or fiancé.

You need someone from the outside who can see things clearer than you and who will boldly ask you the uncomfortable questions.

The questions you hope they will not ask, but need them to ask.

The healthy fear of knowing someone will check up on you will help you in hard moments. Make sure you trust your accountability partner and verbally give them permission to ask the hard questions.

It is so powerful to have someone running alongside you and cheering you on!

6. PHYSICALLY PACE YOURSELF.

This one is the hardest for people to apply because it requires being honest with yourself and, typically, doing the opposite of what you want.

I can tell you from personal experience that this is the most critical step. Where are you headed, physically?

If you’re dating, let’s assume that you have plans (or, at least in your head) for marriage.

Are you in school? How many years do you have before you both can make that commitment? Do you even want to get married soon?

Let’s say that you have at least two years before you would even consider marriage.

You have already been dating for a few months and the likelihood that you will have your first kiss soon is very high. If you kiss now, and still have a while of dating left, do you think you are physically pacing yourself for success?

Are you going to be able to handle that level of temptation in the long run? The odds are against you because the truth is the longer you wait, the harder it becomes.

The reason I am asking the hard questions and challenging you to do the hard things is because not falling into sexual sin before marriage is hard.

I remember when I was young and I made the decision to wait and give everything to my husband.

I waited. He waited. And together we fought to wait.

Even if you have struggled with sexual sin in the past, what the devil meant for shame, hurt and brokenness, can be redeemed. God wants your story to be beautiful.

Waiting is worth it. The fight is worth it. Saying no now is actually saying an ecstatic “yes” later on.

Somewhere I blinked, and two decades later, I remain unmarried.

Christmastime can easily stir up discontent and insecurity in those of us who are single. As families gather during this season, they remind us of the lack of our spouse and children. Relatives ask about significant others and we have to smile and explain that there’s no one right now. It can be difficult to experience holiday cheer when the desire for other circumstances is so powerful.

Feel Free to Grieve Lost Time

This can be a gloomy season. Extended singleness feels like a loss for those longing for matrimony. Many of our hopes and dreams of intimacy and family are tied to this sacrament. It’s OK to grieve the lost time, instead of masking it with Christian platitudes.

Storm clouds aside, there are numerous opportunities a solo life creates. Education, travel and the ability to become financially stable should be taken advantage of while there is flexibility. Yet, these do not replace a spouse. You can earn a Ph.D. or travel the world and still feel lonely.

Thankfully, God can handle our pain and disappointment. I’ve shaken my fist at Him a few times myself in frustration. Yet Jesus loves us and desires our best—even when we struggle in this relationship tundra. Again, don’t be afraid to grieve, but don’t let the pain freeze your life.

Remember That God Wants You to Thrive

Maybe paradoxically, it’s God’s desire that we not only survive but thrive in our season of singleness. To do this, we must accept His timing for marriage, no matter what the clock says. Sometimes that means rewriting our life planner; other times, it means scrapping it altogether.

Some of us might end up being older parents than we originally thought, but that doesn’t mean an amazing spouse and family aren’t waiting for us in the future. In the meantime, when the situation looks bleak, can we still praise God?

Look for a Spouse Who Will Make You More Christlike

Just look at Job in the Bible. He is Scripture’s poster child for perseverance. He was “blameless and upright” but God allowed him to be tested. After experiencing a tremendous amount of suffering, his trial finally ended. Then, after no real explanation from God, “The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part” (Job 42:12).

God’s blessings to Job weren’t part of some cosmic restitution He was paying him for suffering. Both the pain Job endured and God’s blessings were part of God’s plan for Job’s life.

If you’re struggling with being single, don’t waste your own trial. The Lord often uses the season of singleness to teach us virtues that hold value in this life and in preparation in the next. The importance of developing the Fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23) as groundwork for marriage cannot be overstated. Maturity will thwart many future relationship problems that are caused by immaturity.

My greatest internal revolution has probably been the change in the type of person I seek. I have jettisoned the notion of finding a perfect wife—she simply doesn’t exist. Now, instead of petitioning God to fulfill my consumeristic wish-list of traits in a spouse, I pray God will bring me a wife who can join with me to glorify God more than if we were both single, who I can serve and who will make me more like Christ.

I believe God will answer this kind of prayer.

Trust God’s Timing

While we wait patiently (or not so patiently) for a mate, we can honor God through serving others. When I fall into an emotional pit, I love to randomly text my friends words of encouragement. Some of those closest to me have lost children, parents, and are otherwise without any family to celebrate with this time of year.

Lots of people need our love.

This is a key to thriving during singleness: Love others at the point you want to be loved. Are you lonely? Be a friend. Need affirmation? Give encouragement.

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).

Know That God Wants to Give You More Than You Imagined

Overall, we needn’t need to fret. God can do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). We can rest in faith, therefore. We should remain open to meeting people, but the Lord isn’t frantically running around shopping for our future spouses, and neither should we.

We celebrate Christmas as God giving His Son to the world. Let’s become giving people, as well. Even when our hearts are seemingly empty of romantic love, they can become a source of someone else’s blessing. In this process, God also refills our own spiritual wells. “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” (Proverbs 11:25).

God may not give us answers to why we’re still single, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an amazing redemptive story in the making.

Job would agree.

And yet, on more than one occasion, I’ve totally been that girl—the girl I absolutely never wanted to be post-breakup: inconsolably upset, irrational and desperate.

Through my breakups and relationship disappointments, I’ve learned there is a battle going on for our hearts. Our hurt can be an opportunity for doubts about God’s character to creep into our hearts and minds. We may start asking things like, “If God cares so much, why isn’t He giving me what I so desperately want? If God is really in control, then why did He let this happen?” Just like any sort of hurt or disappointment, a bad breakup can bait us into questioning God’s goodness.

That’s why there are a few things I would recommend not doing when specifically struggling with a breakup or relationship disappointment.

Don’t Wallow

There are a multitude of good breakup songs, but trust me, singing/shouting at the top of your lungs “We are never EVER getting back together!” over and over again and then sobbing uncontrollably will only throw you further down into the black hole of self pity and despair. Maybe this is just a girl thing, but surely there is a male equivalent. Both genders—resist the urge to wallow in emo breakup ballads or just generally feeling sorry for yourself.

Don’t Facebook Vent

Social media is a quick and easy way to let the world know your status—emotional or otherwise, but hinting at your heartache, ranting about the opposite gender or passive-aggressively posting about how happy you are now that you’re single is all a recipe for disaster and regret.

It’s OK to step back from the screen, (in fact, I think it’s a huge sign of maturity) and journal it out via a medium you can later discard. Trust me, you’ll probably want to. As a side note, Facebook “checking in” on your ex is the same as Facebook stalking. Self-discipline to not see what they’ve been up to also helps speed up the moving on.

Don’t Numb Your Pain With Entertainment

So your relationship tanked—might as well find some hope in the latest season of your favorite show right? After all, it’s nice to know that it’s possible to find love and that some people in this world are happy.

Stop right there. While movies and shows obviously aren’t necessarily bad, it can be tempting to dive into a world of entertainment to numb your pain momentarily instead of actually dealing with your emotions. And, I’d just like to add that most films/books/tv shows are fiction, a.k.a, not true, a.k.a simply meant to entertain, and might only set you up for future disappointment when your next boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t measure up to your celeb ideal.

You don’t have to wallow, but you also shouldn’t pretend like nothing happened. Be honest with God and with close friends about how you feel, and don’t lose hope. As Paul writes in Romans,“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love” (Romans 5:3-5).

Don’t Find Solace in His or Her Flaws

Suddenly you can see all the ways he so was not the right one for you. I mean come on, she did dress terribly, never really treated you as well as you would have liked, wasn’t actually that spiritual in retrospect, and surely God has someone much more good-looking in store for you.

Yikes. Do you really feel better? Maybe temporarily, but even if your ex had some serious flaws you couldn’t see at the time, focusing on their shortcomings isn’t going to help you grow.

Don’t Stop Talking to God About What You’re Going Through

Be honest with God about your feelings. No need to sugarcoat, He knows your heart. As much as it hurts, keep reading the Word—not merely to find a quick remedy, but with a desire to know more about the Creator of the Universe, the lover of your soul.“You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). “The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him” (Lamentations 3:25).

The bad news: we are not strong enough to fight the battle for our hearts on our own. But, the good news is really good: we are not expected to fight the battle on our own. It is only with God’s strength that we can overcome, and through Christ who strengthens us, we can do all things. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” This is the most essential knowledge we can obtain. When the enemy of our souls tempts us to despair and consume us with earthly worries, we can slice through the lies of Satan with the sharpest sword of Truth: God’s Word.

Most of us desire to end up as part of a happy couple one day. We want relationships that will last and bring us real joy. And God wants that for us, too. Therefore, it’s important for us to know what a healthy, lasting relationship looks like. We may need to assess the one we’re already in—or we may want to know what to look for in the future.

Below are eight key traits of a healthy relationship that can help create the foundation for long-term, side-by-side growth and happiness as God intended:

1. It Feels Stable

There is a sense of consistency to the right relationship. This doesn’t mean it’s never hard, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re riding a roller coaster where amazingly happy moments are followed by extremely awful ones.

Some people assume a relationship is good because there are good times. But, just as good relationships have hard times, even bad relationships have some good times. The key is recognizing how often the bad times come and how severe they are.

There should also be a stability in your own thinking about the relationship. It’s a problem if you feel like you’re wildly in love on Monday, but on Wednesday, you feel ready to end it.

2. You Like Yourself in It

Like it or not, dating will change you. The more time you spend with someone, the more you pick up their tendencies, speech patterns and habits. Your partner’s personality will bring out different facets of your own.

If you don’t like the person you become around your partner, that is a huge red flag. On the contrary, some personalities will complement yours and help you become a better version of yourself. This can be challenging and hard, but in a way that feels good—like you are growing more and more into who you want to be.

Also, in a healthy relationship, you should feel loved and respected. While we are meant to find our self-worth in God, He also wired us to feel good about ourselves when we are being affirmed and cared for.

3. You Connect on the Deep Stuff

Small variations in habits, likes and personalities are usually not a bad thing. However, as research has shown, there are some areas couples really need to connect on in order to have a rich and lasting relationship.

You and your partner have to be able to agree and dialogue about the big stuff that affects your daily thinking and view of the world. This includes faith, relationships with family and communication.

Many people get into and even stay in relationships because they fall in love with surface stuff like affection and the fun they have together. But these things can only take you so far. The best relationships have depth to them, where the couple can practice faith together and communicate meaningfully.

4. You Feel Close to God

When Adam and Eve sinned, their inclination was to hide from God. We also tend to hide from God and others if we’re ashamed or we’re doing something we know is wrong—even if we don’t want to face it. How do you feel about praying for your relationship? Besides making you feel guilt, an unhealthy relationship will likely distract you and dampen your interest in God.

The right one, however, will help you feel closer to Him, be grateful toward Him and even feel a greater desire for Him.

5. There’s a Mutuality

It can be easy to fall into a place of helping someone when they need it, or relying on someone who feels like all we ever wanted. But it isn’t healthy. It prevents us from growing or respecting ourselves, and it doesn’t form a strong foundation for the future of the relationship.

The healthiest relationships have a “give and take” to them where both people help one another out relatively equally. There may be times when one partner is struggling, but the dynamic over time should be that of a mutual partnership, not a codependent relationship where one person is the caretaker, and the other person is leaning on them totally.

6. You Feel Safe

Obviously, physical safety is paramount in a relationship. But you should also feel safe emotionally. You should feel comfortable around someone; able to be yourself. You should be able to bring up an issue if you’re upset and not worry that your significant other is going to yell and storm off.

A relationship can only be successful if both people can communicate honestly and feel safe express their hurt or fears. They need to feel they will be supported, not judged.

7. God is First for Both of You

God made us for Himself first. There’s only so much satisfaction we can get from another imperfect human being. The best relationships are those where both people completely enjoy each other, yet also recognize their personal relationships with God are immeasurably more important. Only as we lean into Him will we have the resources to grow and give to others.

8. Friends and Family Approve

Let’s face it: Sometimes we just don’t see what’s in front of us when our emotions are involved—or sometimes we just don’t want to see it. That’s where our friends and family come in. These loved ones who know us pretty well, can often recognize if a relationship is good or bad for us.

Of course, they don’t always agree. But be sure to listen if you have a few friends and family members who voice concerns over red flags in your relationship. They are concerned because they love you, so be willing to ask for and heed their advice.

God’s Desires for Us

It’s good to keep in mind the kind of love God has in mind for us. It’s special. It’s a mixture of a comfortable friend and a passionate love (check out Song of Songs). It’s one that will reflect His care for us, bring us closer to Him and to our potential.

Too often, we are tempted to settle for less than what He has planned. Along with asking ourselves about the above signs, our best tactic is to pray. Our thinking can only take us so far, but God can reveal what’s really true about a situation, and if we invite Him to, He can lead us to what is right. He loves us enough—and is powerful enough—to bring the best relationships (romantic and otherwise) into our lives.

[This article initially appeared in 2016.]

You are fresh in your relationship and your heart is probably pounding with excitement. Or you are reading this because you are getting close to sealing the deal.

Either way, wherever you are, welcome to the beginning stages of your relationship; full of joy and excitement.

Relationships are a gift, and not something to be taken for granted or expected. 1 Corinthians 7 states: “God gives the gift of the single life to some and the gift of the married life to others.”

God does not owe you a relationship. This is something a lot of people have unwillingly ingrained in their mind because of the society we live in. Sometimes, we can feel entitled to a relationship, especially if we have been waiting for so long. Only God truly knows when and if you are ready for a relationship. He will bring someone into your journey at the right time, knowing that it will only make you stronger.

I believe that relationships are meant to help you grow; they were never meant to get into if you are bored or looking for fun. It is not a game, but will always be worth fighting for.

La La Land Is Really a Thing

Picture yourself getting on an exciting roller coaster that seems never-ending. The ups and downs excite you, and the thrill of the new adventure is a complete adrenaline rush. It is an intense but short-lived emotion. This is the beginning stages of your relationship. In your mind you truly believe nothing could ever come between the two of you, and in your heart it seems impossible that you would ever get mad and or upset with your partner. Let’s face it: Infatuation has set in.

This isn’t a bad thing. It is something we should try to practice throughout the course of the relationship to keep the passion fresh and alive. But, ultimately, if we lived in this phase forever, we wouldn’t have any other relationships due to the infatuation. Friends and family wouldn’t even be a priority because of the constant distraction of being so infatuated with the person we are dating. Sometimes, couples get stuck in this phase and they pull away from the people around them. This is not healthy. It is important to remember that you need to have a balance in your life and that a healthy relationship does not mean getting upset when the person you are dating is spending time with other people.

There will come a point when you will eventually get over the whole infatuation phase and the flaws in your partner will be evident. Remember that it is completely normal.

Relationships Take Work

This is the fun part. You get to go through obstacles as a couple. Ultimately only making you stronger. Healthy relationships consist of vulnerability. If there is a lack of vulnerability and a lack of emotional intimacy, your relationship will typically live on the surface level. And usually, problems that you are stuffing down are not being brought to the table. What I have noticed from being in a relationship myself is that the things I was once confident in while being single completely shifted once I was in a relationship. Sometimes insecurities would come up, and it’s an uncomfortable feeling. But I believe God brings up certain insecurities to refine the relationship itself, and to help you tackle these root issues before they become something more. Don’t hold back in this area.

Having a Vision Is Healthy

It’s really important to have a vision and a goal with your partner that you are wanting to work toward and chase after. It’s OK to talk about this in the beginning of your relationship, especially if you are dating with a purpose. Making sure you are both on the same page when it comes to your destiny and your future plans is not a bad thing. You can hold someone back by not talking about these topics, and you don’t want to date for a long time and get to the point where you are completely in shock or heartbroken once you finally do talk. Moving forward will be extremely difficult because of this. And ending the relationship will be twice as painful. Futuristic thinking in the beginning stages of your relationship is a good thing.

We need to gain a heavenly perspective on this topic, and try to see what it ultimately looks like from the eyes of the Father. We need to understand what the season of being in a relationship is intended for. We need to learn to recognize the importance of this gift, not take it for granted. Relationships are definitely different from the outside looking in. Once you are in one, there is so much to learn; whether it is to grow you, or if the relationship is a forever thing—it is worth every season endured.